First Time That I Noticed - Scared

[didithappen]

I know I have severe PTSD, from childhood trauma as a 14 year old boy, and up until my son (now 18 months old) was born I had no memories or idea. From my sons birth it has been a rollercoaster of flooding memories, sometimes new, sometimes just more detail.

I have nightmares, flashbacks, all the usual, but never noticed until Saturday that I disassociate, I was out with my brother-in-law for a few beers, having a good evening, then suddenly I felt the pub fall in on me, it was like I was being squashed, I said to my brother-in-law I am popping out for air.

I remember going outside, and then the next memory is getting my phone out of my pocket to see who is ringing me. It was the brother-in-law, asking me where I am, I look around and tell him. "what the hell are you doing there, on way, stay there".

No idea how I got there, but I had managed to go to the next town. Either by train, taxi or walk, but no idea.

When my brother-in-law arrived my top was shredded, I had ripped the armpits and down the centre on the front.

Since then I am now noticing after I zone out, or end up somewhere. But it answers the years of having conversations that I have no recall of, or going somewhere and for me no memory. Or meeting someone that knows me, but I have never seen them before.

What have I become?

 

[ashdawn8287]

Develop healthy coping strategies. Ground yourself to the present. Research dissociation.

It will be okay. I am sorry you are dealing with this. It is important that you learn how to relax and take care of yourself during stressful periods because this is life, their is always going to be stress and you have PTSD so your stress level is already at its peak and you have to learn how to deal with that or it will just get worse.

 

[twopenny]

I'd say you've become a perfectly normal person who has some stuff to deal with.

I dissociate too, although I've so far never managed to end up in a different town, I normally just zone out and stay still (but everybody's different).


It will be ok - you need to get some help, and do some reading, but you're not insane.

 

[Deleted member 14359]

You are still you, nothing new or different-least of all insane.

If you don't have one already, please get yourself some help from a good trauma therapist.

Things will get better.

 

[didithappen]

Thank you all. I am based in the UK, and I was seeing a therapist privately which was costing quite a bit, saw him for 16 sessions before I made it to the top of the NHS waiting list. I was referred to a local service KCA, who did an assesment and referred me to the local Trust Mental health department, and I saw a CBT therapist for a further 5 sessions, however once I told her this, she has said I am beyond her capabilities and what she does would possibly not help, so now I am again therapist-less and in limbo waiting of a further referral, and at the moment I simply cannot afford to pay for it, I ran myself in to debt to try to sort my mind.

 

[anonymous]

Hi dont know what your trauma is, but if it is sexual abuse, rape or domestic violence related try here:

Dead Link Removed click on the link > click on your part of the UK which will send you to local free charity in your area. Therapy sound be for two years.

Hope that helps, if not all the best trying to find a T.

 

[didithappen]

click on the link > click on your part of the UK which will send you to local free charity in your area. Therapy sound be for two years.

Hope that helps, if not all the best trying to find a T.

Thank you so much, yes it was, oral and anally for about 2 years from the age of 14, unfortunately all of the centres within a reasonable distance are for woman, and I is a man.

Why does it have to be so hard?

 

[ashdawn8287]

Look about books about your traumas. Educate yourself get to know yourself. Listen to your body. Fight those awful thoughts with every ounce of your soul.

I posted a thread about what my first steps were....read my posts in that thread.

 

[Deleted member 14359]

Hey, I posted anon before, sorry. Didn't mean to...

My husband managed to get T from a partner agency connected to the one I use in my local area, perhaps call them (I know that's harder said than done) and see of the same applies for you.

Yes, it is hard, and I think in many ways more so for males for a host of reasons.
All the best with your journey

 

[wicked child]

Hi
A neighbour told me that I was out riding my motorcycle in the middle of the night. It didnt believe her then. Now I do. Now I am aware that I do it do it quite often. My trauma was caused by beatings/humiliation / horror from my toddler days. Perp was my "mother".

I am in the UK too.

 

[Powder]

I am sorry that PTSD has lain mostly dormant for you and then reared itself up in you now. This has happened to all of us here, I'd wager.
Some things you said that I noticed:
1. You were drinking. Alcohol can cause you to switch into another state if the trauma sealed off into ego states.
What you describe sounds like a blackout. Not to scare you, but you are right that you need to seek treatment for a dissociative disorder. What you describe "sounds" like a fugue state.

2. Diagnosis you have is PTSD. But you have new symptoms. We cannot self-diagnose, so it's necessary to go to see a reputable psychiatrist to seek an accurate diagnosis. If one is diagnosed PTSD yet has a fugue, it is possible the diagnosis needs to be updated to take into account new information. Basically, a counselor might miss this fugue episode or may not know how to help.

3. Enlist support. Get safe, healthy, understanding people around you to help. Try to find a friend and use this forum to bounce ideas off people who understand trauma and have been dealing well with it for a while.

Trying to integrate trauma that you have had previous amnesia for takes a toll on you for a while. I would take it easy, get psychiatric medical support, and not drink any alcohol until you've stabilized because it will mess with you and your meds until you get stable.

Hang in there. You'd be surprised how much better you can feel once you move through the healing processes.

Muse

 

[cherryblossom]

unfortunately all of the centres within a reasonable distance are for woman, and I is a man.

You might find a charitable organisation here - http://www.thesurvivorstrust.org/find-support/
Or telephone support here - [DLMURL]http://www.survivorsuk.org/[/DLMURL]