Five Again

[MouseWedger]

I know what I want to say, but the words aren't coming so well. FOrgive me if this makes little sense. I feel so disjointed. So ... fragmented.

My husband and I have been doing our best, as have my in-laws, to clean up after last weeks flooding. I think we've done well. I think I've done well, personally, with his drinking and with the damage that has been done from the rain. I think I've kept myself together relatively well. I think. I hope.

We had a fight, about the drinking. He says its his "release" when things get tough, and I've been hard to be around because I'm not myself, he says I've been too depressed and it's hard for him to see me this way. I lost control.

I started crying hysterically, sobbing, stuttering incoherently, partly. I said, well yeah, Im depressed. I just lost eleven years worth of possessions, the other twelve years worth of memories and things the Devil Lady won't give me. I have nothing left except a few odds and ends. Yeah, it's just things. But the devastation reminds me of what she has, what she can keep from me. Told him all of a sudden I'm five again, standing in her front yard, watching her burn my things. Crying for her to stop. Her laughing, telling me I don't need them, they're just things after all. Tossing toys, stuffed animals, a rocking horse. An antique convertable potty chair to a high chair that I used to use when I was even younger and couldn't reach the table. All burning before my eyes. I can do nothing. I tell him it's like that all over again, but with water this time. Again, I can do nothing. Nothing. I am helpless as I watch my things being taken from me, destroyed. That again, Im five, living somewhere I don't want to be living, hours away from my Dad and his home. My home. Away from where I really want to be. Im still crying. I can't make it stop. I can't make five year old me disappear. She won't leave me alone. Her tears are too big. Her wailing too loud.

I want this water to be gone, I want to put my life back together and get what remains of my things dried back out again. Maybe I'll be myself then. Maybe.

 

[Lionheart]

(((((((MouseWedger))))))))

I am sorry to learn about the flood! It may just be stuff, but it was your stuff and it had value to you.:(

Ya know, I have the hardest time with the things that I have no control over such as the flood you experienced, but have an especially rough time with not being able to control how people treat me. It is such a helpless feeling to be abused or mistreated as a child. Still, we are not helpless to treat ourselves well and I hope you will treat yourself well. You deserve some peace and happiness and I hope that you find it!!!

 

[intothelight]

MouseWedger,

Sometimes things just are more than a person can handle. Experiencing a flood, PTSD or not, is a hugely stressful event. I am sorry this happened to you. Please don't berate yourself for crying. Loss is loss, and not getting the support and understanding in the present can bring the emotions of the past to the forefront.

Be kind to yourself.

(((hugs)))
Debbie

 

[Srain]

It may just be stuff, but it was your stuff and it had value to you.

Mouse, it IS your stuff and you have every right to feel the way you feel and to cry all those tears out for as long as you need to. Loss is HUGE, those things you lost when you 5 were lost in such a mean and brutal way, this is just as brutal, how could not feel the pain you are feeling? As Intolight said, PTSD and stressful events can be more a person can handle, you have experience much, I hope you know just getting through each day is more than amazing.
Keep posting and know we are here.

(((((((hugs and hugs)))))))))
peace and comfort,
be safe,
Rain

 

[MouseWedger]

Thank you guys. Someties I forget that it's OK to cry and to let things out. I feel like an emotional rollercoaster lately, always up and down. Happy one minute, and devastated the next, tears rolling and greasing the way to a new low. I know it will get better, but right now, that little girls pain is so intense, and it just pops up when I least expect it. I don't know how to deal with it. I've shoved her away for so long, almost completely forgotton her, and this makes me feel like just as big of a monster as Devil Lady. But how od you deal with that amount of pain, all of it, when it's been building for more than eleven years?

 

[Nighthawk]

(((((((((((MOUSER)))))))

 

[Queen Boudica]

Sorry, I've got to ask. Please tell me your husband comforted you after you broke down? Did he realise the enormity of all of this. How important it is to you?

You are yourself Mouse. Anyone would react the way you have. That is normal.

What is not normal is to go out and drink yourself to oblivion instead of comforting your wife who you know is depressed and leaving her to cope on her own.

Sorry had to write it. You deserve better than that.

Are you getting counselling Mouse? I think you really need to talk to a professional about all this. I think you are doing really well, but you need some support

 

[MouseWedger]

Yes, Lizio, he did set everything aside to comfort me. He held me and let me cry my heart out. I don't think until that point he had realized exactly how hard it was for me. Now he does, and he has done more to make things easier on me. His drinking has also improved drastically since then, and since our last argument/discussion over it. He has promised to stop hiding it and is now only drinking one night a week and not extensively as he did before. This I can deal with. I can't change him any more than he can change me. I have called about seeing a therapist again, but unfortunately my insurance limits who I can and can't see, and with the flooding the people I can see are currently closed. It's a work in progress but I feel like things are getting much better.