Flashback Or Nonsense?

[watundah]

Possible trigger warning...

I was in my 40s before I remembered that my father molested me, and as well a guy at school did too. In my mind it happened a handful of times. I think it just kind of got piled in with all of the other bad memories and it didnt freak me out that much. I have, however, in the past year or so wondered if there is more than the few scenarios that I remember.

I've never had an issue with my sex life and Ive been with my partner for 20 years. However, this weekend when we were having sex, I got very bad vibes or sensations of disgust and was upset with what was happening stirring *something* from my childhood. This has never happened before. I was reading something about a child sexual abuse forum recently and am wondering if that triggered it. I do wonded if there is even more to the story. Very difficult to process the real from the unreal when the memories are ancient and repressed. A case of wishing I knew but not really.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I have trouble with memories too. There's no doubt that I was sexually abused from age 4-12. The first rape and the final attempt are emblazoned in my mind as clear as a bell. It's the space between that I am very confused about. Sometimes I'm in my body sometimes I'm a stranger looking on. I wish I had words of advice for you. I've been divorced now for a long time and was with my ex for 20 years. He does not know my history. He was safe for so long and then he got perverted and I couldn't have sex with him anymore. He also put our daughter in danger by having her walk home from the bus alone a half mile down a secluded dirt road. That was the final straw. He knew how upset I was about that but I never told him what was really triggering me.

I think if I had confided in him he would've been supportive but I was so ashamed and scared, I just ran away. If I had it to do over again I think I would like to work through it with him. I think we get intrusive memories and they muddy the waters. If you have a supportive partner, I believe you can safely face the memories and weather that storm. Because it is true that once we face the facts and open up about it, the less pain and fear we have. I just hope you don't keep equating the molestation with your current relationship. They are two VERY different situations. I've been consumed by my trauma history but I haven't given up on love.

The memories are really weird. How they come to the surface and when and where shit happened. Sometimes it's a frozen picture. ACK!! Talk about it!!

 

[intheprocess]

When my sister was having sex all of a sudden she felt like it was our father on her. She and I experienced incest and she just told me this not too long ago.

 

[watundah]

Yes, it was something like that.

Fortunately my partner and I have discussed our childhood abuses so no surprises there. Since it's only happened once I hesitate to say anything because it will become an "issue". She's very sensitive and would turn it into more than it needs to be. Hopefully it's a one off thing but it was a most unpleasant head trip. Tricky minds, most uncooperative. ..

 

[KwanYingirl]

Yeah, like when we least expect them!

 

[Rainydaiz]

I have had a similar experience. No memories of CSA then a flashback in therapy which was purely emotional-a feeling of terror; screaming and crying. This made me start thinking something had happened. At first I thought it was my doctor but this was just me overlooking the obvious- the man I am so uncomfortable around and have always avoided and hate being touched by. The man who is still making lewd and inappropriate comments- my dad. One of the reasons I found it difficult to believe I had been sexually abused was because I had no problems with sex. That is until I began to suspect my dad. Then I had the same experience as you describe during sex- just a couple of times though. Feeling disgusting and hating it and afraid and it feeling wrong. Once I fully accepted what my dad had done to me I got full blown PTSD symptoms. These lasted about two months then I shut everything back down. I had to be off work whilst I was dealing with it all. Im now back to how I was before all this kicked off. The mind and body work in mysterious ways. I'm wondering what will happen next and when.