FindingMyself88
Platinum Member
Ok so I don't see my counselor until Tuesday and to be honest, I don't know if I am going to be able to talk to her about this. That is a subject for a different post… But I have to get this out, its eating me alive and causing nightmares again..
This week has been one hell of a week for me. Starting Friday before last, I ended up in the ER two times in one weekend with severe right side abdominal cramps and not being able to keep anything down, food or liquids. Ended up in the hospital when I went to Student Health on Monday, stayed in hospital until yesterday. Ended up being food poisoning from an undercooked steak the night before I ended up in ER the first time.
The second trip, on Sunday was HORRID! I'm literally on verge of anxiety attack just thinking about it. My roommate went with me both times, she has been great. We waited 4 hours before being taken back. The first dr I saw on the Friday before said if I was not better by Sunday or started to run a fever to come back. Well this time I got a female doctor. To say she was a b**** is to say the least. My roommate tried stopping her from barging in on me while I was changing into the hospital gown, but she proceeded to anyways, nearly showing the entire ER my naked body. She then snapped at me not to tell her about Friday, but what brought me there that night and asked why did I come back? She was INCREDIBLY invalidating. Anyways, she seemed to think it was purely a GYN issue related so she ordered a pelvic exam and a vaginal ultrasound. She did the pelvic,
this is where it gets bad and possibly triggering.
A pelvic exam is not comfortable for anyone, I know. But this was horrible. One, I had hip surgery last year (yes I'm young, it was a bone growth issue) and it makes it difficult to "spread my legs" as needed. She was yelling at me, even when I told her this and started the exam rather roughly. By this point I am in full blown panic attack and as she continues, I have what I consider to be my first REAL flashback. Ive had nightmares and triggers, but not full flashbacks where I feel and relive it. See, when I was like 6 or so, my real dad's now ex wife would sexually molest me with objects. She would yell at me too. And something that the Dr said triggered it (besides the aggression). She said "It's for your good." Said stepmom said this every time, claiming to "clean me".
When it was finally over, I could barely breathe, let alone ask for anything for anxiety. Then I was taken down for the ultrasound, which added more anxiety. My poor roommate could tell something was wrong and knew the doctor was mean, but I couldn't tell her. All I could do was cry. Before I knew it, the doctor was discharging me, saying nothing was wrong and for me to follow up with a GYN (as if after that!). When asked about not being able to keep anything down, she wrote order for zofran, which only works through IV for me. She shrugged and said that was all she could do for me and walked out….
I don't know what to think or how to act. I feel like I have been molested all over again, although I know I technically haven't been. I feel stupid for feeling that way. It's just my PTSD acting up. I hate living like this...
This week has been one hell of a week for me. Starting Friday before last, I ended up in the ER two times in one weekend with severe right side abdominal cramps and not being able to keep anything down, food or liquids. Ended up in the hospital when I went to Student Health on Monday, stayed in hospital until yesterday. Ended up being food poisoning from an undercooked steak the night before I ended up in ER the first time.
The second trip, on Sunday was HORRID! I'm literally on verge of anxiety attack just thinking about it. My roommate went with me both times, she has been great. We waited 4 hours before being taken back. The first dr I saw on the Friday before said if I was not better by Sunday or started to run a fever to come back. Well this time I got a female doctor. To say she was a b**** is to say the least. My roommate tried stopping her from barging in on me while I was changing into the hospital gown, but she proceeded to anyways, nearly showing the entire ER my naked body. She then snapped at me not to tell her about Friday, but what brought me there that night and asked why did I come back? She was INCREDIBLY invalidating. Anyways, she seemed to think it was purely a GYN issue related so she ordered a pelvic exam and a vaginal ultrasound. She did the pelvic,
this is where it gets bad and possibly triggering.
A pelvic exam is not comfortable for anyone, I know. But this was horrible. One, I had hip surgery last year (yes I'm young, it was a bone growth issue) and it makes it difficult to "spread my legs" as needed. She was yelling at me, even when I told her this and started the exam rather roughly. By this point I am in full blown panic attack and as she continues, I have what I consider to be my first REAL flashback. Ive had nightmares and triggers, but not full flashbacks where I feel and relive it. See, when I was like 6 or so, my real dad's now ex wife would sexually molest me with objects. She would yell at me too. And something that the Dr said triggered it (besides the aggression). She said "It's for your good." Said stepmom said this every time, claiming to "clean me".
When it was finally over, I could barely breathe, let alone ask for anything for anxiety. Then I was taken down for the ultrasound, which added more anxiety. My poor roommate could tell something was wrong and knew the doctor was mean, but I couldn't tell her. All I could do was cry. Before I knew it, the doctor was discharging me, saying nothing was wrong and for me to follow up with a GYN (as if after that!). When asked about not being able to keep anything down, she wrote order for zofran, which only works through IV for me. She shrugged and said that was all she could do for me and walked out….
I don't know what to think or how to act. I feel like I have been molested all over again, although I know I technically haven't been. I feel stupid for feeling that way. It's just my PTSD acting up. I hate living like this...
