Flashback

[Bloomy]

@Zoogal

Ok

The saddest thing is not that he tried to rape me but that the consequenses was that I was not able to take education nor work

Which caused severe aftermath of where I am today - in deep shit

Need to dig my self out of this swamp

I need to rescue my life before its to late

First time limit is spring time month of may to see the first result of start to shovel now to get my self out of this mess

May all the forces be with me

Amen

 

[aut555]

@Zoogal

Ok

The saddest thing is not that he tried to rape me but that the consequ...

The running helps with our emotions. I had the same strong feelings about my daughter also. As she became older, l didn't want my father near her. Also, she was schooled at an early age of what was not appropriate touching like by age five. As a child ,she had a hard time interrupting the message. But l had run into things younger and knew something was wrong but didn't know what. So l felt it was important for her to have the understanding. It's horrible what these things do to us. Run in peace and awarness of that part of your life is now over.

 

[Bloomy]

@aut555 Im in no contact with "father" so thankfully dont have to worry bout that part. Wouldnt any way let her near him by millions of miles if so.

Great to hear of your experience with your daughter. Helpfull. She is 19 years of age. But I had these talks with her too. And since Im a trainer Ive trained her well and she is a very strong girl now. I belive that she is quite capable of defending her self in every way.

Think the realisation was that I never saw it as what if any one else was being subjected to what Ive been subjected to and then it just hit me how horrible it actually is what Ive survived. And then came the pic of what if it was my daughter. Before Ive been only inside my self and my own pain but this made me see it from the outside.

Yes - that part is over thanks God. Now its the aftermath I need to deal with in order to get a life I can live in peace with.

Thanks aut555.

 

[Hanala]

I'm sorry you're having flashbacks. They are honestly the worst because you're minding your own business and then you're back in the trauma with sensory-surround sound but you're also surrounded by people :grumpy: I hope they get back under control. Hang in there

 

[Deleted member 34328]

@stp2012


As written its long long time since I had a flashback. Reminds me of how...

Yes, it's quite clear that the you have come a long ways. You'very learned a lot along the way and found ways to reclaim the life that should be yours.

That's an encouragement to hear about for all of us struggling to find our way back. It also makes it harder and more frightening to have this flashback hit so hard. I can imagine the last thing you want is to relapse back into the past.

I don't think that's going to happen. You're a very strong person who has a lot more clarity now then you used to. Much more objective.

I really like your observation of your parents on their wedding day. Picturing and seeing eyes alive with life and happiness. Hold onto that thought. Guard it. Keep it close to you. I wonder with you what his dreams were. What he expected out of life instead of what he became. Those things show amazing insight.

Good for you! Proud of you.

 

[Bloomy]

@stp2012 these words you wrote mean more then what my words can say.

Im not afraid of relapse either. Been there and Ive done that for oh so many years. I guess before a flashback would mean II would become self destructive and dissociate. It seems like a diferent life as I feel so far away from that now.

Pain today is the aftermath of being a "product" of such horros. Not the horrors it self.

Thinking out loud of some thoughts that comes to my head. Can it be like if some one close to you died? And you spend the time after the person died mourning and grieving in such a way that you cant manage the everyday life task that needs to be done in order to on a longer sight have the posibilities to stand firm? No comparision otherwise since its really to diferent subject. But it seems to me to be an empty gap in understanding how trauma affect people. Meaning we talk so much about trauma and what it does to you being traumatized. The psychological affects. But not so much on how it affect your practical life. That many of us is to traumatized to take education. To keep stability in work life? How it affect your curriculum and later oportunities for getting a job? And how that can be possible re trauma affect in the way that once you come out of the trauma you stand on bare ground with a ruined life that you need to pick up the pieces of? Seems somehow that there is some belive that if you only process the trauma in a constructive way it will all be good afterwards?

Not sure if I make myself clear here?

I remember someone said to me in my twenties that if I didnt get my shit togheter and got into education and work I would later have a hard time in doing so. I was to traumatized at the point to be able to really understand and process that. I do understand know. Just hoping its not to late anyway.

It seems I have processed and now need to reclaim my life as you rightly write @stp2012 thats what I need to work on at this point of my life.

Does this give any meaning?

 

[Deleted member 34328]

@stp2012 these words you wrote mean more then what my words can say.

Im not afraid...

Yes, it does. I understand where you're coming from. Trauma effects every part of your life and cripples you in many ways.

When I was in the middle of so many flashbacks, I was told to just "get on with life" no one understood, so I didn't share. I was not able to function in everyday life. I still need time and therapy to slowly move towards that goal. I am fortunate that I wasn't working at the time as I don't think I would have been able to keep my job.

However, I don't believe it's time to pick up the pieces of your old life to move forward. I think you have the chance to start again. Start with a clean tablet in front of you. It's not too late to learn. To find a job. To treat yourself to hobbies that you enjoy. Your past is your past. Because of my trauma, I'm not the same person anymore. I don't want to be that person anymore. I've learned and am learning a lot. I'm not going to go backwards, I want to become a better person. Take what I'm learning and move forward with a clean slate.

I don't know if or when that will ever happen, but part of healing is taking apart the old, confront it and move forward to a fresh new life. Seems to me, that's exactly what you're doing. You have dealt with a lot of grief, mourning the loss of many things and are now looking towards the future. There is new understanding that the past can still be triggered by a memory or a sight, smell. It's not bad to experience that. It is very difficult to work through the aftermath, but you have many coping techniques that enable you to do exactly that. You write in a very positive tone. That's wonderful!

Does that make sense?

 

[Bloomy]

Lol - I dont have a old life to return to @stp2012 . I was traumatized from the day "mother" unwillingly became pregnant with me. She never wanted me and abortion was not accepted that time she concieived me. Life until some years ago was spent being the unwanted abused and traumatized child (all though grown up at that point). My vision has been since I where a child to porcess what they did to me and then be able to create my own life. A life worth living.

So yes - what you write makes aboslutely sense to me.

When I write pick up the ruins of it its exatly about rebuilding something I never had. Clean tablets indeed. It seems you have come a long way too?

I think I never new who I really was since Ive been abused so long. I never got the chanse to figure that part out. But the last years Ive started to find myself and who I am and what I like what is important to me and so forth. And Ive found my daughter and we make our own little family.

By the way Im amazed you say I write in a positive tone. Heard so many times that Im a negative sour person and guess I still percive my self as such.

Again Ill add a question to if what I wrote here made sense :) ?

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

@Bloomy, I'm so proud of you for your strength and persistence! Like @stp2012 says, it's not bad to experience reminders of things that are so painful and traumatic. It simply is a fact of living with PTSD. But you have come such a long way, as you acknowledge. You can be reminded of such terrible things, and feel overwhelmingly sad, AND differentiate the past from the present. It sounds like although there were some strong physiological responses to the memory, you were able to "remember" rather than "reexperience." That is progress, and something that makes you stronger in the here and now, and better able to move forward creating a life worth living! Yay, Bloomy!

I find that with therapy, I am better able to remember and not reexperience. When I am having FBs where I am really reexperiencing the memory, it is so hard to function in that moment, and it usually sends me to bed for days. That's not a good plan for keeping a job!!! But, when I remember something, I still feel overwhelming grief and sadness, and sometimes anger, but I am better able to stay present. That helps me to "recover" from the strong emotions faster, as well as remind myself that I am safe now.

The fact is, our past IS painful and traumatic, and we DO still have to deal with the aftermath of how it continues to affect our lives. But with that distance you mentioned (seeing it from the outside instead of the inside, remembering instead if reexperiencing) we are better able to function in our own lives. It sounds like this memory, this FB cued by the music, was a good opportunity for you to feel and acknowledge just how much progress you have made in your life.

And it is never too late! Never too late to go back to school, to find a job you can feel good about, to create a new, safe and loving life for you and your daughter. I'm proud of you!

It has also helped me to find more compassion for myself when I look at my little niece, who is the age (4-5) I was when I was first molested. She is so small, so tiny and vulnerable. She is so innocent. I have to remember that I was innocent, too. It is harder for me to have self-compassion for the self I was at older ages, 11 years old, 14-15 years old, etc. I'm not around children that age anymore, and I have a hard time connecting to how young, vulnerable and innocent kids are, even at those older ages. I have to remember that even though I was put into adult situations and forced to do things even an adult shouldn't have to do, I was still an innocent child, like my niece, like your daughter, like all of us were.

Good for you, Bloomy, for processing this traumatic memory so well. I'm sad that this happened to you, and that you feel sad and struggle at times, but I'm so glad to hear of your progress and to witness how you processed this FB/memory. Keep up the good work, Bloomy! :hug: