Flashbacks And Dissociation Related To Complex Trauma

[Hope4Now]

I didn't know whether to post this question here, or in the Flashbacks section of the PTSD area.

• Does anyone else feel like they cycle through flashback, dissociative/depersonalized, and functional auto-pilot states without much ability to control them or get connected to the present? (I just have to wait for them to fade out eventually, and I'm never really sure they have...I sort of drift from one state to another, but some are much more comfortable).
  
• Do you try to fight off flashbacks, or do you think they are helpful in giving you information about what happened to you?

 

[anthony]

You're right, I moved it. Flashbacks and dissociation are a symptom of trauma.

 

[amy4k]

I do/am. This is where I have been for what seems like the last month or so. I feel like I am constantly moving from one state or alter to another lately. My grounding skills are weak, and sometimes I just don't want to ground myself because the dissociative state is more "comfortable" than the present. Fighting the flashbacks give me headaches or make my IBS worse...sometimes I just have to ride it out the best I can. My T says I'm more stable than a month ago, but I just have to trust her right now.

 

[SpongeCakeMcGee]

Sometimes when I try to remember things it triggers a flashback. If I'm feeling strong I will try to stay with it just to see if I can remember more. But sometimes it's just too much and I run from it.

It's weird...I want to remember but I also don't want to remember.

 

[anthony]

It's weird...I want to remember but I also don't want to remember.

That is very normal.

 

[In Exile]

I actively switch into disassociation. It's not good, but the pain and anxiety are overwhelming at times.

I do go into robot mode a lot as well.

 

[In Exile]

On an intellectual basis, I understand that self-talk should help, but my problem is that when I get triggered or slip into disassociation, then self-awareness and self talk are the first things to go.

I think that I need to work on being able to trust that things in the present are not as bad as I'm afraid, because I don't want to come back to reality. My current situation is extremely painful and scary. Why the hell would I want to come back to this?

Maybe this is where if I can learn that things aren't that bad now, then maybe it will easier to use the tools.

I donno. This is ongoing for me. I hope you can take from this that you aren't alone.

 

[Hope4Now]

I wasn't really aware of how much I dissociate until fairly recently, and how many different forms and levels of severity it comes in for me. And the flashbacks are new in the past 7 or 8 months. I'm trying to fight off the dissociation, but let the flashbacks happen because they seem to be revealing information to me that my conscious brain doesn't have. Most of the time in the flashbacks I am still relatively conscious of being present...sort of like a dual consciousness. But sometimes the flashbacks are intense and then I dissociate. As @SpongeCakeMcGee said, it's like I want to know and don't want to know at the same time. Intellectually, I want to know...it is driving me nuts to have all these bits and pieces point to what obviously happened, but not have any intact memory of it. Yet, obviously, part of me is terrified of knowing/acknowledging what happened. It's like somebody is showing me a film, and I keep saying, "Yeah, but that can't possibly be true."[DOUBLEPOST=1401937231,1401936940][/DOUBLEPOST]

I think that I need to work on being able to trust that things in the present are not as bad as I'm afraid, because I don't want to come back to reality. My current situation is extremely painful and scary. Why the hell would I want to come back to this?

If your current situation is painful and scary, I can only imagine how difficult it must be to come back to reality. I completely get that the self-talk/self-awareness goes once you get really triggered. Somehow I seem to manage to hold on to an iota of self-awareness...most of the time I am at least vaguely aware that I am in a flashback, but once I'm in, no self-talk seems to work. And same thing when I slip into deeper dissociation. I guess the trick is to learn how to feel it coming on and try to manage it then.

 

[In Exile]

I'm starting to learn how to be a little wore aware during flashbacks as well. The worst were the ones which occurred in therapy. It would go right back to being afraid for my life again. It was like there was a loaded shotgun pointed to my chest.

I find that I do so much better if I'm less stressed overall. I'm trying to reduce the stress, but it's very difficult.

I'm talking more to my wife about how to reduce tension. She's a little more receptive this time.

 

[Hope4Now]

I find that I do so much better if I'm less stressed overall. I'm trying to reduce the stress, but it's very difficult.

Yes, me too. I'm doing a lot of work to de-stress. Yoga is really, really helpful and so is mindfulness meditation. And trying to just slow down in my life...stop trying to be so perfect all the time. Let the edges fray a little and not worry too much if anyone else sees the wear and tear. It's hard.

 

[ktbox]

I can't make mine stop.. no matter how tired I get.. cannot turn it off... nauseating.. I swear I "pass out" in my half-wake/half-falling asleep state.... then I see it and hear it... and I have to get out of bed to be sick or distract myself... I can't know what you're going through -*I do not meant to sound as if I am comparing.... (not at all)... Rather.. I felt compassion/empathy/frustration and sadness for you. Do you have any coping tools/routines you fall into when it happens?

 

[Hope4Now]

@ktbox I didn't feel that you were comparing...just compassioning! How awful for you. I went through a period of inexplicable vomiting, but there were no cognitive memories attached. I'm no good at managing once a full-on flash happens...just have to wait it out and try not to panic. I am working on somatic awareness so I can feel when I'm starting to dissociate/get flooded. Keeping my eyes open and naming the things I see helps. Drinking something really cold or hot helps...anything to try to stay present.