Flashbacks During Sex

[Loveneverfails]

I have noticed the I almost always feel guilty after I orgasm.

I have the same issue Ayesha. I get the urge to cry directly after sex and instead of the 'afterglow' people talk about- I have massive feelings of guilt, as if I did something bad. Also if certain acts are engaged in I get flashbacks. I have only really had one epically bad episode of flashbacks where I pushed my then husband off of me and began having a very loud panic attack, the rest I am able to 'control'(meaning I am able to not react outwardly) by just reminding myself where I am and who I am with.

I've found too it's nearly impossible to orgasm because of that. I've always blamed it on the ADHD when speaking with my partners about it, but I know it's more than that. I wish we all didn't have to go through this, sex with the right partner is supposed to be wonderful. I'm with the others who say it almost doesn't feel worth it at times.

 

[Powder]

I wish we all didn't have to go through this, sex with the right partner is supposed to be wonderful. I'm with the others who say it almost doesn't feel worth it at times.

LNF is right on. Thank you for putting it so well. You summed it all up nicely.

I totally agree with both of you, and I think this message needs to get out there. The public assumes that everyone reacts the same way; when if fact, it will go in a few patterns, this being one of them. It will depend on the person more holistically.

Where I want to go with this is that we can't give up and say it's not worth it; that's saying WE and our relationship is not worth it. If you value the relationship then this thread needs to start talking about ways to deal with this issue head on.

One way is to spend time reflecting on the source and dealing specifically with that cognitively. Also, looking at my own behavior and what I am doing that is keeping me stuck in this negative loop. Moving out of that in simple thought pattern ways. Having the lights up more and taking the time to really look at and appreciate the gorgeous face and into the beautiful soulful eyes of the Person I am with. Realizing this is not just sex. This is relating to the most wonderful human being I have had the privilege of being with. Even doing that, there is stuff that comes up, sometimes BECAUSE of doing that. But even if pain surfaces emotionally, sharing that in a quick, honest way is part of the intimacy that can make it healing and intimate. Don't stay stuck, keep it moving forward and it will be more than okay; it will be wonderful.

 

[Lucille]

I have noticed the I almost always feel guilty after I orgasm. I hate the feeling, and for minutes afterwards I have this deep depression feeling for doing it

UGHHH SAME! Exactly the same.... So much so that I have become afraid to orgasm.

 

[Powder]

Has anyone taken this topic into therapy? :)

 

[shell]

My therapist brought it up not me, I developed problems after having problems giving birth. I have had pain for the last 10 years because I couldn't relax. Given I never knew about being raped until a year ago I never knew why I was having problems, I thought it was in my head, but didn't understand why.

He has helped me concentrate on touch (not sexual) and learning to be intimate by looking in each others eyes, so I'm very aware of who I am with, and it has lead to improvements in the pain area, by stopping me dissociating and reconnecting until I feel ok. Slowly things are improving.

It freaks me out when he asks really intimate questions about my sex life, but it has lead to a huge improvement in our relationship.

 

[Lucille]

No way... not sure how to talk about it. I barely even know what to think about it

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I enjoy sex. I would be lying if I said I didn't. Sex with my husband is the best I have ever had, and I've been with enough people to know that it's good. I know my husband and he knows me. We feel something for each other, know each other in a out. We can talk after sex about anything for hours at a time.

But...then I orgasm. And its all shot to hell! I suddenly feel all those emotions, flashbacks of the feelings I had while being raped. I have no idea why. Did I orgasm once while being raped? I have no idea, its possible. I have no idea why.

Its hard to start sex. Hard to want sex, when I am not having it, for this reason. The fear of fear. Of loosing control.

God, I don't even know if there was other people in the room while being raped. I talked to my T about this once, and he told that quite often people will remember that there where other's in the room while they were being raped and for some reason will forget it. Shame maybe? I don't know. Someone else knows? The chances of other's being in room for me I think is high. I know one of his friends wanted to have sex with me, for all I know he raped me too.

My T has talked to me about sex. He says I need to start it, I have to be in control. Only problem with that is my husband, when he wants sex he lets you know. He gets excited and wont leave me alone...which means if we have sex then its...me not so in control.

Then there are times when I love to be controlled. I will crave it. I have thought of him being more forceful with me during sex, and have tired to get him to do that.

Rambling...

Sex is difficult subject. It's so damn personal.

 

[Loveneverfails]

Sex is difficult subject. It's so damn personal.

I agree. On top of that, I find it hard to talk about with anyone face to face. On the computer is one thing, you don't have to look the other person in the eyes and feel that shame. But to face a person and tell them. The hardest thing I ever described was that my body reacted to being touched against my will. It still hurts to admit it even to myself. I can't imagine talking about it and working through it without dying of utter embarrassment and shame.

I will say though that I think most everyone experiments in the bedroom with control at one point or another and for whatever reason(I'm still not sure myself) I seem to see a pattern with people who've been sexually assaulted having a curiosity or fantasy, whichever you want to call it, with domination or submission. I wonder if it has something to do with a subconscious need to regain the control we feel we've lost. Like if we submit of our own free will to being controlled, we've made a choice which somewhere in our mind makes it feel like less of a violation? I have no idea if there's any credence to that theory, just my thoughts.

I think if we weren't dealing with trauma, there wouldn't be a need to worry about our tastes in the first place. It seems altogether unfair that not only did we lose our ability to say no, but we've also lost our ability to let ourselves surrender in the way other people do to something that is supposed to be enjoyable and fun. It's supposed to be free from stress, not a source of it. It's more than a little frustrating.

But I do think it's something that can be overcome. Just as you said Ayesha, about being with your husband and it being good. I think that's great! Makes me hope we can all get over this in time. I also believe that it can only get better from here.

 

[Lacey101]

This is my issue too. It is extremely overwhelming at times. When you go thru the hottest dessert, you realize what is really necessary to life. For me- it has been loving myself above all else. I cannot live to please my husband only. I spent so many years fearing he would one day leave me over my PTSD and I realized, it doesnt really matter in the end if he does. I cannot control how my subconscious reacts to something. I have been hard-wired to be afraid of sex. I can work on it and go to counseling and take meds as I have been and continue to, and still not be able to go there for him. That proves to me that it is something beyond my control on all levels so i cannot be embarassed, feel bad, or ashamed of something that IS NOT MY FAULT. I DONT WANT to feel this way. there are times I want to be with him sexually and my feelings of desire are as strong as my feelings of fear. I cannot control it. I can only take steps to help myself feel more comfortable in that moment; whether it be more cuddling different positions more time kissing, or limmitting what we do to what i feel ok with at that momment. You are not alone, I used to feel embarassed, but I now have accepted, it's just how my brain reacts and I have nothing to do with it.

 

[Lacey101]

Hugging, beng reely close during orgasm and immediately after has helped me a lot to not cry and feel dissassociation so much. it still happens, but not nearly as often.

 

[Broken]

If I perceive I've done anything wrong, I'll immediately go into scared little kid mode...My ex would just keep going until he was done, then roll off and lay there like nothing happened.

Reading these sentences of your post brought back memories that I thought I dealt with. It is as if seeing them written out and not kept in my head, makes it tangible to my head. It's really hard to read and I want to cry because I realized that my ex knew I was hurting, he just didn't care as long as he got what he needed.

My current partner is attuned enough (and gives enough of a shit about me) that he'll stop whenever either happens and ask me if I'm alright and whether I want to continue.

I was really hoping that what you wrote about this partner actually attuned to you only existed in romance novels because writers have to use them as a technique to draw the reader in.

You know getting us to like what is written, not like someone in real life would ask if you are alright. And then to add, asking whether you wanted to continue, I think I would have fainted from the shock of being considered.

My ex said that because he anticipated sex it would hurt HIM if we didn't continue, regardless of what was going on with me, because he really only needed a body.

And my humor is the only way right at this moment that I can find to deal with knowing that this type of man actually exists and I don't think I'll ever experience this type of relationship. I hunger to, I just don't know if I've missed my chance.

 

[Broken]

I cannot live to please my husband only.

That's all I did when I was married, it was the only way I knew to relate to a man. No one considered what I needed or if it was considered it was quickly trashed and minimized so that I would be ashamed that I had needs or that my needs were wrong. They just didn't want to accommodate to me, no matter how much I changed myself for them, beyond reason, it didn't matter.

I cannot control how my subconscious reacts to something. I can work on it and go to counseling and take meds as I have been and continue to, and still not be able to go there for him. That proves to me that it is something beyond my control on all levels so i cannot be embarassed, feel bad, or ashamed of something that IS NOT MY FAULT.

You are so right, that's what PTSD is all about. This is helpful to me. When those close to me refuse to hear me or learn about my symptoms, I have to re evaluate if they will keep me ill if I kept them close. I think I avoid the pain of knowing the answer to the question before I ask and therefore prevent the pain of knowing I didn't matter enough to even consider.