How do you communicate during sex while triggered?

[Roland]

Hello all **waves**

So I finally got therapy for PTSD. It’s EMDR which I realize is a controversial modality of therapy.

I have years of sexual abuse to unravel. My therapist suggested not having sex during this time due to triggers and spicy things that are going to inevitably pop up.

I don’t want to stop having sex. I think it’ll be harder to come back to than to figure out how to navigate during, because I just had a baby and I’m still trying to figure out my new body. I’m also a shallow bitch that goes crazy for sex, so there’s that as well.

But that said I’m well aware of the impending doom that is poking my trauma and sorting shit out. I know it can ruin everything if I’m not careful. But I also know I need to work through this shit so it stops affecting me so much.

As it stands now, when I get triggered during sex, I keep everything internal. I ground myself that my husband is not my abuser that I’m safe now etc. If something environmental or position is triggering I change those. I’ve never gotten so triggered I couldn’t recover the moment.

I really struggle to verbally say in the moment really anything. But later, usually the next day I’ll tell my husband what happened and why, but not the gory details of why he reminded me of my abuser/rape/whatever.

So my question is, if I choose to continue having sex during this process, what groundwork do I need to lay to keep myself safe? Do any of you have systems of communication that don’t rely on verbal to say you’re triggered etc? Am I dumb for wanting to maintain intimacy anyways?

I’m sad I have to deal with all this crap and honestly I really don’t want to. But the thing is I’m dealing with it anyways, on my own, everyday… it’d be nice to clear some of it up…

 

[Friday]

So I finally got therapy for PTSD. It’s EMDR which I realize is a controversial modality of therapy.

It's a tier 1 / gold standard for ptsd. Not controversial at all.

 

[Roland]

It's a tier 1 / gold standard for ptsd. Not controversial at all.

I’ve heard a lot of different things, people that got horribly traumatized, that it doesn’t work for Complex PTSD, that many EMDR therapists don’t know what they’re doing (true for all therapists), etc.

 

[somerandomguy]

Even gold standard treatments don't work for everyone. But the efficacy of EMDR is about as uncontroversial as it gets in the trauma therapy world.

Am I dumb for wanting to maintain intimacy anyways?

Absolutely not.

Have you found that not stopping and grounding yourself in the moment is getting easier?

 

[Roland]

Even gold standard treatments don't work for everyone. But the efficacy of EMDR is about as uncontroversial as it gets in the trauma therapy world.


Absolutely not.

Have you found that not stopping and grounding yourself in the moment is getting easier?

Yes I think so

 

[somerandomguy]

If something works, do that.

 

[Muttly]

It sounds like you are working on grounding yourself which can be important

I really struggle to verbally say in the moment really anything.

This is something I would definitely try to work on. I know it's really hard and it's something I've struggled with. If you change your actions, by being able to say things in the moment, it can help you separate now from then.

 

[Roland]

It sounds like you are working on grounding yourself which can be important



This is something I would definitely try to work on. I know it's really hard and it's something I've struggled with. If you change your actions, by being able to say things in the moment, it can help you separate now from then.

I try but it’s like I can’t, I don’t know how to get over that.

Hello all **waves**

So I finally got therapy for PTSD. It’s EMDR which I realize is a controversial modality of therapy.

I have years of sexual abuse to unravel. My therapist suggested not having sex during this time due to triggers and spicy things that are going to inevitably pop up.

I don’t want to stop having sex. I think it’ll be harder to come back to than to figure out how to navigate during, because I just had a baby and I’m still trying to figure out my new body. I’m also a shallow bitch that goes crazy for sex, so there’s that as well.

But that said I’m well aware of the impending doom that is poking my trauma and sorting shit out. I know it can ruin everything if I’m not careful. But I also know I need to work through this shit so it stops affecting me so much.

As it stands now, when I get triggered during sex, I keep everything internal. I ground myself that my husband is not my abuser that I’m safe now etc. If something environmental or position is triggering I change those. I’ve never gotten so triggered I couldn’t recover the moment.

I really struggle to verbally say in the moment really anything. But later, usually the next day I’ll tell my husband what happened and why, but not the gory details of why he reminded me of my abuser/rape/whatever.

So my question is, if I choose to continue having sex during this process, what groundwork do I need to lay to keep myself safe? Do any of you have systems of communication that don’t rely on verbal to say you’re triggered etc? Am I dumb for wanting to maintain intimacy anyways?

I’m sad I have to deal with all this crap and honestly I really don’t want to. But the thing is I’m dealing with it anyways, on my own, everyday… it’d be nice to clear some of it up…

I decided to take my therapist’s referral to work on all this stuff with my husband with someone that specializes in it before starting EMDR. I don’t think it’s safe to proceed with EMDR without working on my communication and some other struggles we have first.

 

[Friday]

I don’t think it’s safe to proceed with EMDR without working on my communication and some other struggles we have first.

3 cheers for stabilizing FIRST, trauma processing SECOND.

 

[Rose White]

Very wise of you @Roland !

 

[guest]

Have you heard of the stoplight system? Green for good, yellow for time out/need support, red for an immediate stop. That's a great starting point.

Personally, my partner and I made a whole rainbow for communication. Also, two taps either loud enough to be heard or directly to skin means pause. Getting used to both of these in any context (two taps during a massage = "I've accidentally started suffocating myself in the pillow I'm laying on," etc) means anytime one of us is disregulated—and even when we're not—we have the tools to efficiently communicate.

The longer we've been with one another, the more details I can type out ahead of time, knowing what some of the most likely issues to come up are. Then it's a matter of checking off the box. You don't have to go that deep into specifics if you can always communicate where you're at—yellow are red are very comprehensive umbrellas—but if either of you has any trouble communicating while disregulated, it can be a good investment to find some method of quickly expressing what buttons are being pushed that works for both of you. Make it as easy as possible for your disregulated selves to communicate comprehensively so you know where everyone's at, and when you find you've missed a spot (had trouble communicating during a scene or moment of disregulation), add to the communication tool next time you're regulated again. It's an ongoing build.

Personally, I use Google Sheets, but I'm a spreadsheet nerd. Any fill-in-the-blanks template should do the trick, from paper to white boards. &/ make the more specific color system for verbal communication, as you need.

 

[Roland]

Have you heard of the stoplight system? Green for good, yellow for time out/need support, red for an immediate stop. That's a great starting point.

Personally, my partner and I made a whole rainbow for communication. Also, two taps either loud enough to be heard or directly to skin means pause. Getting used to both of these in any context (two taps during a massage = "I've accidentally started suffocating myself in the pillow I'm laying on," etc) means anytime one of us is disregulated—and even when we're not—we have the tools to efficiently communicate.

The longer we've been with one another, the more details I can type out ahead of time, knowing what some of the most likely issues to come up are. Then it's a matter of checking off the box. You don't have to go that deep into specifics if you can always communicate where you're at—yellow are red are very comprehensive umbrellas—but if either of you has any trouble communicating while disregulated, it can be a good investment to find some method of quickly expressing what buttons are being pushed that works for both of you. Make it as easy as possible for your disregulated selves to communicate comprehensively so you know where everyone's at, and when you find you've missed a spot (had trouble communicating during a scene or moment of disregulation), add to the communication tool next time you're regulated again. It's an ongoing build.

Personally, I use Google Sheets, but I'm a spreadsheet nerd. Any fill-in-the-blanks template should do the trick, from paper to white boards. &/ make the more specific color system for verbal communication, as you need.

Sorry I missed this until now. That sounds great. We tried the stoplight system but I literally can't talk when I'm triggered. It's fine like 99% of the time but damn that 1%. Still looking at going to couples therapy, so much going on we didn't get to it yet. We need a nonverbal communication system and I think I need to be reminded to use it too. We had some really rough times where I just completely shut down, not talking, crying, not my body, sometimes lasting a few days but my husband was patient and I got back to normal eventually. And now that hasn't happened in at least a month or maybe two. Life is blurring around me, it's so hard.