Flashbacks During Sex

[KateB]

Hi Lucille,

Hope it's ok that I reply to your message - I'm new here, too :)
My opinion: Do NOT rush having sex - it's a game changer. Know that when you meet the right person, your asking them to wait will be something they'll do gladly. My last ex said that waiting until marriage to have sex might not be something he was interested in, and that took me aback. If I could change one thing in my life, it would be the whole sex thing......it's just not been what it should have been, and I wish I could go back to before any of it happened..

Kate

 

[Lucille]

Don't worry Kate, I've held off for years... I'm just saying that, I'm realizing now it's more than me just believing in waiting for the right person. It's now about a whole other issue... that I'm not even comfortable getting intimate.

 

[AuraBunny]

I get like this when I feel I am with the wrong person. I think of it as fear being a danger sensor that keeps us from harm's way. It can be pretty intense and mine comes out when I drink too. But with my man, who I feel very much in love with it tends to go away. I feel at peace. I hope this may help you to understand certain triggers may be caused by past trauma. I know for me it's caused by that.

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

I can't have orgasms. I wouldn't believe it was even possible for me physically, except in the almost 7 year relationship with my partner, it has happened 1-2 times. That is the only time it has ever happened in my entire life with a partner. And, I had bad flashbacks for the first year we were together during sex. It was not uncommon for me to start sobbing at any time. Now, it still happens enough to interfere with our sex life, and I do not know how or if I will ever achieve an orgasm again, much less on a regular basis. What is most difficult is that there are so many triggers, it's hard not to run into them. And it is rare that they will happen when we expect them to, usually it is out of the blue. I just want to have a sexual life without including all of my abusers in it. I'd like to eventually be normal. I don't know if it is possible... But I have a new therapist (about 3 1/2 months) and I haven't even told her about the sexual abuse yet, the one time we tried, I just couldn't, and I don't want to take the easy way out and write it, I just don't think that is beneficial for me at this point.

Does anyone else find themselves having sexually abusive or rape fantasies? If I am alone, it's the only way I can do it. I don't know if that is just how I am, or because I associate abuse and sex. Which, until my relationship with my partner taught me otherwise, I really thought they were the same thing. I sure couldn't do it by imagining myself being made love to. (Which, in real life, of course I would want.)

These things are just so hard to talk about. It's no wonder it's so hard to bring them up with a T. Even my T of 14 years I don't think I discussed this with.

 

[Sethe]

I don't want to join the club, but apparently I don't have a choice in this. :(

I've started having flashbacks. I start to cry. It's not due to my current bf. I think it's related to the work I've done concerning my marriage to my ex who is probably a sex addict.

 

[Lucille]

I've started to realize that I dissociate and that's what's standing in the way of me actually enjoying the intimacy. Sure, there are touches that remind me just from muscle memory of the actual trauma... But that I can understand. When it's really getting good though, I often check out. It's like I've gone to get groceries or something in my mind haha. Not that I forget what we were doing... but immediately the desire is gone. This has to be hard on my hubby... because I just want to stop. Going further would be traumatizing since I'm not into it anymore.

 

[alleycat]

I get flashbacks rarely, but the main issue is major anxiety and dissociation. If I perceive I've done anything wrong, I'll immediately go into scared little kid mode. If it's really bad, I can have a panic attack. As for dissociating, sometimes I'll just suddenly not be in control anymore. My body will either rigidly go through the motions or (more often) freeze. My ex would just keep going until he was done, then roll off and lay there like nothing happened (yes, he's an ass...). My current partner is attuned enough (and gives enough of a shit about me) that he'll stop whenever either happens and ask me if I'm alright and whether I want to continue.

Orgasm...well, I never have with another person and I doubt I'll ever be able to. Just too compromising of a situation. I can on my own and occasionally I can with a partner in the bed (sometimes helping...) if I'm doing the work.

Kinks...I has them. :) Well, some. The only problem is I've only ever trusted one person enough to do it and keep me safe (current partner who's touch and go). Other than that it's an occasional fantasy or porn thing.

Really triggering things are just no nos with me. For instance, no guy, ever, will be able to put his hand on my head, thrust, or orgasm while I'm going down on them (thank you, ex, for ruining that...). I also just had to have a conversation with the current about not going down on me until further notice -- I'm scared that I'll have a panic attack if he tries.

Given this, though I want sex to be a less serious issue, one where I can just pick up a guy and have fun, there are some major trust issues that prevent that (and that most people tend to freak out if you suddenly have an anxiety attack or start randomly trembling or crying...). Keeps me from dating, much less doing the one-night stand thing, which means more often I'm not I'm frustrated and lacking, which makes the next time I have sex even more anxiety filled. Crappy cycle, really.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Wow- I am glad to see that I am not the only one that encountered intimacy issues. Mine were,are somewhat different. I suppose that it is different for everyone based on what our traumas were, are- as well as what symptoms we present. While I feel bad for everyone with these issues, I am somehow feeling better about myself knowing that I am not alone in that- category, or feeling, or response, or whatever it is.

 

[angel2write]

Does anyone else find themselves having sexually abusive or rape fantasies?

Yes.

If I am alone, it's the only way I can do it.

Me, too. And it really disturbs me. Until really recently, I basically had to have these fantasies running to climax with my husband, too. And they made me feel so awful afterwards, I frequently wondered if it was worth it.

I don't know if that is just how I am, or because I associate abuse and sex. Which, until my relationship with my partner taught me otherwise, I really thought they were the same thing. I sure couldn't do it by imagining myself being made love to. (Which, in real life, of course I would want.)

I think this is a really good insight. Getting raped so young and in such an exhibitionistic manner, I think I did twine the idea of sex and abuse together. I, also, had no idea they could be separated.

I'm getting better, though. Going back and processing the memories of the abuse has helped. Working on being physically present with my husband- very hard!- is finally starting to pay off. I can now let him touch me sometimes without sliding into my dark fantasy landscape. Sometimes I have even started to crave gentle touch.

I guess this might sound stupid, but one of the ways I have been working on this is by reading romance books. Just ordinary, vanilla romance books. Maybe this is a bad idea, but I feel like I'm trying to re-program my brain to understand and appreciate "ordinary" sex. Where nobody gets tied up or beaten or choked or forced or ends up bleeding.... it was such an alien concept to me at first.

You're not alone, Phoenix. Hope things get better for you.

Angel

 

[Powder]

"Thread originator, A.:Now I think its was probably something as simple as trust."I think you hit on a bigger, less simple issue than it sounds: trust. Trust is difficult for those with human-caused PTSD. It is so difficult it can feel impossible. It seems impossible. Just when I begin to feel trust, something in me tells me to run away from that person to avoid calamity.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have noticed the I almost always feel guilty after I orgasm. I hate the feeling, and for minutes afterwards I have this deep depression feeling for doing it. It takes all the fun out of it, and makes me feel empty and like shit.

:(

Sex can be so hard. :(

 

[Powder]

Ayesha,

Was this always the case or did it grow worse as you got to the phase of having flashbacks? Thank you for being so honest about this problem. I am dealing with it, too. I feel fear more than guilt, but it's there as shame. It was not there until my 30's. Sex was great 17-30. 31 on got more and more of this happening, including the fact that what you said above turned quickly into panic attacks that I thought was just that I couldn't breathe. I was avoiding the bad emotions so hard that I numbed, dissociated, and flashbacked or panic attacked.

I'm sorry you have this. I think we can work through it. We can take it back.