Flashbacks From Your Children

[overtheview]

Hi I'm new to the forum so I hope I'm asking this question in the right place. I just wanted to know if anyone who was abused as a child has found that they are having more flashbacks now that their own children are at the same age you were when abused?

My abuse happened when I was young and I now have two daughters and a son of my own. I seem to be having way more flashbacks lately and these last 6 months have been really difficult for me. My flashbacks are happening weekly and I just feel so high strung by it.

Has anyone else found this happening to them and if so how are you dealing with it?

Thanks

 

[Shellbell]

Hi overtheview,

My son is the age I was when when the first trauma occured and I often think of him at his age and wonder how I coped through the abuse. Whether it is due to his age I don't know.

The flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, depression, coping ability etc have all worsened in the last 6 months for me as well, so I understand how you feel and it's really hard.

I had a mental health assessment a month ago and I am now on strong medication as it got so bad. It was like I was having some kind of breakdown. I have just started counselling and have my second appt tomorrow which I am dreading. Maybe my therapist will say there is some connection.

Hope you find this forum helps you.

 

[overtheview]

Thank you shellbell. I not long gone back onto to medication as well. I've been on a waiting list to counseling for a while now and only got the call the other day that it's now available to me. My first appointment is on Monday so I'm kind of packing myself about it. I guess this is one of the things I'll need to ask them about.

I'm sure we can't be the only ones who experience these problems when our children are this age. Or maybe it's just because we have kids in general.

 

[Jen93]

I'm sure we can't be the only ones who experience these problems when our children are this age. Or maybe it's just because we have kids in general.

I don't have kids, (I'm only nineteen! :p) but I have noticed that my brother brought on flashbacks last year because he was thirteen. He was also in another trauma of mine, so that was also triggered when he was around. I definitely had more flashbacks when I realized how great he was doing and realized that when I was his age, I wasn't anywhere close to how he was like in terms of a good quality of life. I think it's normal to get flashbacks when those we care about reach the age where we were traumatized- it's the idea of either watching them grow up happy during a time when we weren't (and maybe feeling a little sad about that.). And also the vulnerability factor- we realize watching them just how vulnerable we really were- When we are that age, we think we're powerful and can handle anything; so to see it through a different lens (i.e a grown up one) and watch how children that age actually act or how they really are- we realize that what we went through wasn't normal-and nobody should have to go through what we did.

It's really difficult getting through this. I get nightmares of my brother dealing with our trauma- I don't think he's aware of it. I think the best thing to do is realize that they aren't you. They are in a better situation, and they have you. Try switching to cognitive stuff. Stuff like "Just because he is the age that I was when I was hurt doesn't mean he is hurt." And then list all the things that are different for him. (He knows that he has people to talk to, he would know to tell someone if something happened to him (like for example, stranger danger- a lot of the time now, in school even, we have constant talks like "Don't get into a car with a stranger. If someone tries to ask you to get into a car, run to the nearest safe building and call 911.") He has several people that can help him if he needs it (teachers, you, etc.), if he was being abused we would know how to handle it by calling the police, telling someone, etc. etc) With my brother, I often have to remind myself "Yes, he is the age I was, yes, he is in a private school like I was- but that doesn't mean that he is being bullied. The school is not the one I was in. It's an all-boys school, not an all-girls one; and I am in Canada, not England."

I hope this helps. It's worked for me, but everyone's different. (I'm unresponsive to meds... so this is what is at my disposal.) It is something that you should talk about to a counsellor when you see one.

 

[Inspired 2 B Free]

I was abused my entire childhood so no particular age of theirs triggered my own trauma like you mentioned.

But, one thing I can say about my kids' age triggering flashbacks is when my son approached the age my brother was when he and his friends abused me was horrible. I regressed terribly and it embarrased my kids. They had no idea what I was dealing with and to them I was just a weirdo.

My therapist was vital in helping me navigate those difficult times.

 

[Srain]

I thought a lot about it when my kids were my age and PANICKED! It was an extremely difficult for me and I was therapy but not nearly in such a rough space or I should say it didn't really come to head until after they were grown. I ran more on rage, fear, and survival.

The flashbacks were far worse when I saw my Niece (who is quite a bit younger than my boys - more the age of my Grandboys), she looked like me, was shy like I was, and although her mother is a very good mother and careful with her girls, and my father was long dead; I couldn't go near her much without dissociating and having flashbacks. I had a very hard time separating myself from her in my mind for awhile there. I wanted to slaughter any grown male that dare look at her. I wanted to tell her all the terrible things that could happen if she weren't careful but her mother knows all this as does my Brother.

I'm sorry went through those horrible experiences growing up. My heart goes out to you as you heal. Please take care,
Peace,
Rain

 

[Venusian]

When my daughter was the age I was when my trauma occurred, I started having more nightmares and became a lot more anxious. At that time I had only a fraction of the memory that I do now and could not understand why I was feeling what I was feeling. I had to make a conscious effort to not over react to things that were just normal life. I had to take a step back and think before I did anything that I couldn't understand why I was doing it. My husband at the time also went through a traumatic experience when he was the same age as our daughter was turning and I had to help him through all that anxiety too. His doctor called it an "anniversary event".

I am not sure if it would have been easier for me if I had known all the things I had blocked from my memory, but now that I know it makes a lot more sense to me. But hind sight is always a lot more understandable. Just know that you are not alone and keep writing and reaching out here, it does help.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't have children, either, but I can relate.

My cousin's daughter looked EXACTLY like me when she was 3, as in if you looked at us both as 3 year olds you would've thought we were sisters or even twins! I was abused at the age of 4 so I avoided seeing her until she was 5. We don't look as much alike anymore, so that's a bit of relief. I know I would have gone into panic mode if I saw her at the age of 4 and she looked just like I did when I was abused.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I don't have flashbacks anymore, but I think my daughter coming to the age where my trauma occurred was the reason the blocked out memory of it came back. It was very difficult even looking at her during this time because she acted so similar and reminded me so much of myself. I keep looking for warning signs that she's been hurt in a similar way. I have taken the precautions of teaching what is appropriate and from whom and when she needs to say no and tell someone. But it was hell, absolutely. Now that she's passing that age, things have evened out in my head a little.

But I feel for you in this. It is such a triggering and stressful time, no doubt about it. I agree that therapy is an important coping factor. Most therapists can understand, and can sympathize, when your family may not be able.

 

[overtheview]

Thanks everyone, I feel so relieved to be able to come on here and talk about all this as I just don't feel anyone else fully understands. It has been really hard and as I've said my flashbacks/thoughts of my abuser have been weekly for months now.

I broke down to my husband a little while back and tried to explain it to him and even though he was really supportive I'm not sure he can really understand how I'm feeling. Some days just doing the simplest things are really difficult because inside my head I am screaming. I'm a Mum to 3 kids and just feel like I can't be like this in front of anyone especially my children because I don't want them to worrying and I don't want them to know of such things. Most times when it happens I just try to push it away and forge on, what other choice do I have.

Since this has started I've also had my normal fear of something happening to my children on overdrive. I know that having PTSD increases the urge of fearing for oneself/loved ones but it is full blown. When I go out anywhere with them I am so highly strung that I am constantly scanning the area for danger. I cant relax until we are back in the car or home safe. My son just went on a school camp for 3 days and I was so worried that I felt sick the whole time. All I could think of was that something was going to happen to him or what if there are bad people there. He came home fine and had a good time but these irrational fears just do not go and I'm tense all the time.

I just want to be a normal Mum for my kids, they deserve better than a stressed out parent all the time.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I know the feeling, I read in a couple of books about surviving abuse what was appropriate to tell the kids and that helped with my anxiety a bit. I at least knew how to handle my fear while still protecting my children in an appropriate way. You might try that, in a way it helps you take charge of it, instead of your fear controlling you. At least in a small way, anyway.

 

[overtheview]

Ok thanks heaps, I might check that out. Anything that may help is worth a try ;)