Flashbacks From Your Children

[Britt.f7]

When my son was a baby, in the beginning, I had a hard time with his nakedness. I knew it was the past creeping in and my therapist and I worked through it.

I wouldn't let my boys stay over anyone's house before they could talk and tell me what happened. Even, sometimes, when my husband would go in the boys room to read them a story, I would listen at the door. And, yes, I discussed my irrational fears with my husband. It was difficult for him to hear because he is a very good father, but he understood. Didn't like it but understood.

My sister swears nothing happened to her, but, when my niece around two or three, she made her wear tshirts under all her shirts. She was adamant, and you could tell she was a little panicky when she said why. This was even in the summer time. It was a year or two before she was comfortable with her daughter just wearing a shirt.

I've been told that our children, when they come of the age of ourselves when we were hurt, that there is a good chance of having flashbacks.

As far as telling my children, I spoke to them of what happened to me when they were in their teens and I knew they could process it. Before that I let them know that no one could touch them where it felt uncomfortable in a language they could understand for their age. I have never forced them to hug or kiss anyone, even family, if they have not wanted to. Of course, that meant grief from my family. I wanted my children to get a sense of boundaries. They never appeared fearful.

Having a good supporter, whoever it may be, is important. What you are feeling is normal. You will survive it and your children will. I wish you the strength you need.

 

[Shellbell]

Even, sometimes, when my husband would go in the boys room to read them a story, I would listen at the door. And, yes, I discussed my irrational fears with my husband. It was difficult for him to hear because he is a very good father, but he understood. Didn't like it but understood.

I do this as well and feel so guilty about it. I know my husband wouldn't hurt our children and he's a great Dad, but I still hang around when he's changing nappies or bathing them. And I know it's totally irrational too.

t's like I think I need to prevent any tiny slight chance of anything happening, even though I know it won't. I haven't told my husband why I do this though, he would be really upset. I think maybe I should talk to my T about it too.

 

[Britt.f7]

Shellbell, I think it would be really good to talk to your therapist. As much as I knew it was irrational, I had to do it. It was pure instinct. I felt guilty. I think part of it was not being protected as a kid and making sure none of that happened to them.

 

[MomOfTwo]

My twins just turned 4. My pedophile uncle lived in my parents home from the age of 2 until around 5 or 6. I don't remember him touching me but he touched two of my siblings, cousins and tried to assault my mom. I remember hating to go to school because my mom would put me in short dresses and they were not safe because I knew you could be molested. How did I know that?

I have a hard time buying my daughter dresses even though she loves them. Dresses make me cringe because I know how accessible they are. I hated nightgowns as well as a little girl and would wrap them tight around my legs and the blankets too so somebody could not touch me. I do not remember anything but knew it could happen. I am sleeping less now because my children are in Junior kindergarten. I had a dream my daughter was abducted while going for a walk and I found her in the trunk of someones car lifeless then woke up.

I am thinking it is all related to probable sexual abuse I experienced at the hands of my uncle. I guess they trigger me constantly. I worry constantly. I check them at night constantly. I make sure all doors are locked several times a night. I have dreams that the HR manager that assaulted me is after my daughter and she is at my old work and he is stalking her and I have to find her. I have dreams that all my doors are locked and he still finds a way into my house to attack me. I dream I go to the police but they say it is my word against his and he always finds a way into my house no matter how many locks I have. I dream that I am running from him and there is traffic and I know that I either have to run into the traffic to kill myself or kill him because it is the only way to find peace.

I cannot sleep because of my dreams and I constantly worry that some freak will try and touch my children. I have little trust in anyone. I promised myself when I was around 4 years old that if I had children I would not let anyone hurt them. I protect them to the point of isolating them a bit from things because of my fears. I have enrolled them in soccer and it is the first group activity they have been involved in. It is a big step for me. They had popcorn for the first time this weekend at the movies. The movies was the first time as well. I was afraid popcorn could choke them and it is one of the choking hazzards for toddlers so I just avoided it until now. I feel so inadequate as a mom because of my fears but my husband always tells me how great of a mom I am.

I have read books and through observation have learned to parent. My grandparents were great but my parents neglected and abused me as a child so parenting I find it a constant internal struggle as to what am I supposed to do. I think children are such a gift and it is so hard to read everyones struggles and what they have overcome. I know that there are some incredibly strong beautiful people out there but wonder if there is any justice for anyone that has gone through this or how do we really stop all of this sort of thing from happening? It is such a messed up world we live in.

 

[Britt.f7]

One of the worst things my mother said to me before I had children was that I was going to be just like her. Thankfully, I had a friend who helped talk me down.

I've tried very hard not to be the bad things of my parents and I have gotten a lot of slack from them because of it.

It is very hard to give our children wings, but it is important that we do. My boys are both teens, but there are times I fear for them. My oldest is learning to drive and my greatest fear is that he'll die in a car accident. I've had that fear since he was an infant. He doesn't know this. Are they protected in school? Are they being bullied? All things I worry about. I think they are your kids and you are bound to worry.

I think I would have a harder time having a daughter. I hate nightgowns too. I have to have pj's with bottoms. I feel too exposed, despite being a married woman.

MomofTwo, you are a good mom, because you are worried and making a conscious effort to make their lives better then you had it. You are trying not to let your fears become theirs. We all do the best we can and we are bound to make some mistakes. We are only human. You watch over them the best you can. I'm not sure there is justice, but maybe justice is knowing that you are doing the best you can for your kids, despite what you have been through. Perhaps it is in knowing that your kids are far more protected then you ever were. Or maybe, it is just the simple gift of them.