Flashbacks, Nightmares And Body Memories

[Mojo]

I was physically and sexually abused by my father and his friends from the ages of 4-15, I'm now 26. I've always had flashbacks but use to drown them and the memories out with a severe drug addiction. I've been clean since finding out I was pregnant and started therapy soon after. I had a baby 3 months ago and have been a single mom.

I love my daughter and will do anything to protect her but i feel that since having her the flashbacks and body memories have gotten much worse. I do my best to get grounded so I don't dissociate but it's getting harder. They've been happening everyday and I'm afraid I'm not going to be a good mother because I can't keep them in check. My therapist says it's normal and we are trying to work through them but the day before, day of, and day after my appointments it's almost unbearable. I constantly feel like I'm reliving the abuse. Lately I've been having nightmares of my father abusing her. I wake up totally panicked and can't go back to sleep. In the last week I've probably slept an average of 2-3 hours a night. I'm still 'functional' and fully care for her but I feel that simply having my own child is triggering but I don't want to lose her. I don't want to tell my therapist the extent of the flashbacks/nightmares/body memories because I fear she will see me as unfit and try to get my baby taken away.

Has anyone ever dealt with something similar? What helped? I'm desperate to make this go away.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Mojo and welcome to the forum!

I am sorry for what you have been through, but congratulations on becoming a mother. It must be really hard just now to deal with the flashbacks, but rather than making you an unfit mother, your acute awareness is more likely to make an exceptional mother.

I would think total honesty with your therapist is the best option. She will absolutely understand what is happening and why and will be best placed to support you through this phase. I would guess you are triggered by your baby as you are living her vulnerability. It highlights how vulnerable we ourselves were when we were so small. Your nightmares are your brain's way of processing the memories. It is not pleasant, but the therapy will help to reduce them, maybe even stop them. My own nightmares increased big time when I started therapy and are now a rare occurrence.

I am sure you have been told before, but I will tell you again. Being a victim of child abuse is not your fault. Never. Ever.

I hope you get some better sleep soon, but well done for coming here and sharing. Take a wee bit of time for you when you can, and give hugs from me to your precious little girl!

Best wishes,
Lucy x

 

[Mojo]

Thank you for the supportive words, Lucy.

I will attempt to be totally honest with my therapist but I'm scared of her reaction. I would die if someone separated me from my baby because of all of this. I wish I could just get over my past so I can fully enjoy and give 100% of my attention to my daughter.

 

[rainbow1]

Hi Mojo and welcome.

A huge congratulations from me for becoming a mother. I think you are incredibly strong and are showing what a great mother you can be by going through therapy. You are building a much brighter future for you and your daughter by facing your past.

It sounds like your therapist is very good and will be a great support to you. I have been through body memories as well and understand how scary they can be. They do seem to get much better after talking them through and understanding what they are about. Its an exhausting process but it does get easier.

 

[Venusian]

Congratulations! On both the birth of your baby and for getting clean.

I have gone through the body memories and flashbacks. For me, the only way to have them ease up and become a part of my past rather than intruding on my present was to just go through them and acknowledge that they happened. It was not pleasant and it was not easy but they do get less intrusive and less intense. I am not sure if they ever go away completely. Your therapist can help you through that and give you coping skills for when they do happen. Does she know how you react to the therapy sessions?

There are different methods of therapy and maybe you need a different method right now. I had a couple of different therapists and each of them were good but the first one I outgrew, I needed a different type of therapy that she could not provide. Therapists are kind of like doctors, they train in different specialties and if they are great for one person they may also be the worst possible choice for the next person. Only you can make that call.

I don't know if you have been to a sister site to this "My PTSD", there is a lot of information there and good explanations on what you are going through right now. Writing about what I was feeling was a great way for me to process all the flashbacks and body memories when they began to happen. I wrote online, just as you are doing here and I also have journals that I write in and sometimes carry with me when I am having a bad time. Once I get it out of my head it doesn't have as much control over my emotions. I think it is the process of being a thought to naming the emotion and physically writing about it that moves it to a different part of the brain and allows it to become just a memory instead of something that totally consumes us. I hope that makes sense.

I really wish you well. I know being a single mother is not easy but I know you will be a good mother and you will protect your daughter. Just being here on this site and doing all this painful work shows how much you love her. It really does get better.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi Mojo, welcome to the forum :wave:

It sounds like you are doing a great job, looking after your daughter.

I totally agree with confiding in your therapist. In order to fully optimise your time with her, she does need to know as much as you can possibly manage to tell her. You can also try to process your thought in a diary ([DLMURL="http://www.mysexualabuse.com/forums/survivor-diaries-members.38/"]here[/DLMURL] for example), where others members can help you along your journey. But, if you're not comfortable with that, even just writing things down on paper can help to clarify your mind.

Do you have anyone else in real life that you can confide in, or help you a little with childcare, or other things? Just because you are a single mum doesn't mean you're alone. What about meeting other mothers through some sort of sociable mother baby group? Something to help you to feel less alone, even if other mothers aren't going through the same as you, you will have other things in common.

 

[bluebell2]

Hi Mojo just wanted to say welcome :wave:
I'm fairly new here myself & have found writing thoughts & feeling down extremely helpful, also putting my trust in my T really helps. I hope you use this forum to help you along your journey.

 

[Sweet Girl]

Mojo,

This is my first time into the forum and your post resignatef with me. First of all, congratulations on becoming a mother and to getting clean. These are both MAJOR accomplishments and should be recognized by you as such. Both are extremely difficult and with the stress of everyday life it's easy to lose sight of our successes.

I had my daughter when I was 20 and that is exactly when all of my memories came flooding out, both emotionally and mentally. I thought I was going crazy and the anxiety was overwhelming. However, I found a really good counselor and a group. Group therapy was very helpful for me because I forged many close relationships and learned that I was not alone. It is completely natural that your memories are flowing after becoming a mom and clean.

I am now 45 and have had a very productive life and raised not only my 2 kids but 2 step-children. It is possible.

It is very scary if not almost impossible for me to trust anyone. I was chronically sexually abused by my uncle from the age of 6 until the age of 15 and had a series of abusive relationships after. In looking back, if I had not been open with my therapist and group, I am certain I would not be where I'm at. A therapist trained and experienced in working with sexual abuse victims understands exactly what you are going through and can help you with the techniques you are looking for.

I've learned many techniques, but most importantly, the understanding that going through the past experiences and current flashbacks is only temporary and is the only way to healing. Life is much better with each level of healing. It is possible.

As you are going through it, try to allow yourself to ask for help from family or friends you are comfortable with. It's okay to be needy, you need to take care of yourself in order to be strong enough to take care of your daughter, but you know that or you would not be here. Let the little things go that are not crucial to everyday living, give yourself a break when needed. It's important to take care of yourself during this period. Most of all, understand you are not alone.

 

[Mojo]

Thank you for all the support. It's nice to know that this will not last forever even though some days it feels like a never ending torture.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Mojo,

If you look back a while - even to when you wrote your first post above - do you see a difference. Are the flashbacks/ nightmares still as intense and as often? However slight, are you able to identify any improvement at all? Are you getting a few more minutes sleep each night than you did then?

How has it been going in therapy?

Most of all how is your daughter getting on? Is she full of smiles for you?

 

[Mojo]

My daughter is the best thing to ever happen to me. She keeps me going. Her smile and laugh is so precious. I love watching her discover new things, like her toes. Life is worth living because of her.

The flashbacks have not increased but I still deal with them on a daily basis. I'm getting better at grounding myself which makes them less intense. Some days are harder than others but overall I think I'm getting a handle on coping appropriately. Sleep hasn't changed much but I'm beginning to think I almost have a fear of sleeping because of how intense the nightmares can be. At night I find myself trying to stay busy so I don't have to go to bed. When I finally do get to sleep it's from complete exhaustion and for only a few hours.

Therapy is ok. I explained most of what is going on and my fears of being labelled a bad mom and having my baby taken away. My therapist assured me that this was not a concern for her at the moment and if it became one at any point she would have a discussion with me first and hopefully we'd be able to find an alternative plan. It's nice to know we are on the same page but it's not any easier talking about the abuse or trying to connect how I feel now to it. She still doesn't know the extent of what I've been through and I find it very difficult to verbalize it all. We seem to be moving in a positive direction but I feel like I'm moving too slow. I've been seeing her for a year now and wish I was further along in this process but I know it will take a while.

 

[rainbow1]

I understand that feeling of things moving to slow only too well. I think it is just part of the process to go through to form a good bond and to trust your T. It's not a quick process and there will be ups and downs along the way but it is worth it.

I'm so glad you are enjoying being a mum. You sound really positive in your post, its great to hear.