- Post starter
- #13
Nebulustrix
Silver Member
I've started therapy again. Just a couple weeks ago, I felt as though my stress cup was overflowing and posted here about everything I could think of that was bothering me in order to try and get it off my chest. I'd just hit a point where I realized I wasn't doing so well on my own any more and I needed help again. I was literally two seconds away from tears almost every moment of every day for a week - constantly tense and anxious and unable to pinpoint the exact reasons why, just knew that some things were really bothering me that had never been a major bother before.
Since moving, my stress has been building and building and building... and I realize now it is because I've been newly exposed to so many "new" triggers. I've been thinking and focusing and recalling my trauma so much in the past few months now - I'm not feeling like I'm "there" anymore. I'm not losing myself - but I do feel like I've lost control of my emotions and thoughts. And everything is reminding me of the trauma, everything I do and everything around me is somehow stressful or a reminder.
I made an appointment for therapy and then took a week to "de-stress". My family went to Orlando for Spring Break, leaving me and my son alone and I just took it easy. Didn't go to the gym, didn't go to church, didn't go out much of anywhere. Went to work, then came home and took care of the animals and chores, and then chilled with my son with TV, books, movies, games, toys, etc. Then saw my new therapist and gave her a recap - my trauma, my initial recovery, and the resurfacing of all my anxiety causing me to reach out for an appointment.
I am now keeping a notebook with me everywhere I go and paying extra careful attention to how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking about and when/where the stress crops up. As I've been doing this, I've been connecting some "dots" and something has occurred to me-
I believe my own feelings of confidence and attraction are two of the biggest triggers now causing me so much stress. All of my current issues boil down to something that would help build confidence in myself and my abilities, or something that would tie into me feeling attracted to someone.
Example:
The gym is one of my big problem areas - I feel confident lifting weights and feel more limber and able after I've done some lifting. I lift as much or more than some of the men who work out there and know that if I can keep myself to a routine I'll quickly burn my extra 80lbs that I put on as stress weight during and after my trauma. But I'm afraid of feeling confident in myself, afraid of being strong and capable, afraid of being fit and thin, because it was when I was at my most confident, most strong, most optimistic and outgoing that I met my abuser and had my confidence broken.
On top of that, when I am at the gym, I am surrounded by strong, fit, muscular guys also working out. My interest in men developed late, but once it did I was very much attracted to "manly" men. Men with a nice chest. Men who were strong and muscular.... but seeing men like that at the gym terrifies me, and at first I thought it was because I was afraid of them... but what seems to happen most often is I have images of being choked play through my mind, not by any of the men there, but by my ex... as if I'm afraid of him punishing me for feeling attracted to someone else.
I don't even recognize any sense of attraction now, as it is overrun by that fear. Yet the one man I do consciously feel attracted to now is very different - thin, gangly, intellectual, calm, laidback, quiet, soft-toned... and I am terrified of approaching him to express my interest, terrified of losing our friendship, of being rejected, and even more terrified of what would come should he share my interest, and again the biggest image that comes to my mind is my ex yelling and screaming at me after just talking to a neighbor who I had absolutely no interest in and accusing me of flirting and being adulterous.
Something I just wanted to put in writing... Still mulling it over in my head, and will bring it up to my therapist at our next appointment.
Since moving, my stress has been building and building and building... and I realize now it is because I've been newly exposed to so many "new" triggers. I've been thinking and focusing and recalling my trauma so much in the past few months now - I'm not feeling like I'm "there" anymore. I'm not losing myself - but I do feel like I've lost control of my emotions and thoughts. And everything is reminding me of the trauma, everything I do and everything around me is somehow stressful or a reminder.
I made an appointment for therapy and then took a week to "de-stress". My family went to Orlando for Spring Break, leaving me and my son alone and I just took it easy. Didn't go to the gym, didn't go to church, didn't go out much of anywhere. Went to work, then came home and took care of the animals and chores, and then chilled with my son with TV, books, movies, games, toys, etc. Then saw my new therapist and gave her a recap - my trauma, my initial recovery, and the resurfacing of all my anxiety causing me to reach out for an appointment.
I am now keeping a notebook with me everywhere I go and paying extra careful attention to how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking about and when/where the stress crops up. As I've been doing this, I've been connecting some "dots" and something has occurred to me-
I believe my own feelings of confidence and attraction are two of the biggest triggers now causing me so much stress. All of my current issues boil down to something that would help build confidence in myself and my abilities, or something that would tie into me feeling attracted to someone.
Example:
The gym is one of my big problem areas - I feel confident lifting weights and feel more limber and able after I've done some lifting. I lift as much or more than some of the men who work out there and know that if I can keep myself to a routine I'll quickly burn my extra 80lbs that I put on as stress weight during and after my trauma. But I'm afraid of feeling confident in myself, afraid of being strong and capable, afraid of being fit and thin, because it was when I was at my most confident, most strong, most optimistic and outgoing that I met my abuser and had my confidence broken.
On top of that, when I am at the gym, I am surrounded by strong, fit, muscular guys also working out. My interest in men developed late, but once it did I was very much attracted to "manly" men. Men with a nice chest. Men who were strong and muscular.... but seeing men like that at the gym terrifies me, and at first I thought it was because I was afraid of them... but what seems to happen most often is I have images of being choked play through my mind, not by any of the men there, but by my ex... as if I'm afraid of him punishing me for feeling attracted to someone else.
I don't even recognize any sense of attraction now, as it is overrun by that fear. Yet the one man I do consciously feel attracted to now is very different - thin, gangly, intellectual, calm, laidback, quiet, soft-toned... and I am terrified of approaching him to express my interest, terrified of losing our friendship, of being rejected, and even more terrified of what would come should he share my interest, and again the biggest image that comes to my mind is my ex yelling and screaming at me after just talking to a neighbor who I had absolutely no interest in and accusing me of flirting and being adulterous.
Something I just wanted to put in writing... Still mulling it over in my head, and will bring it up to my therapist at our next appointment.
