Flashbacks/reliving Trauma Every Day

[staywithme]

I am 98 days sober right now, in what I suspect is post-acute meth withdrawal and processing trauma from child abuse and later sexual assaults for the first time in my life (I am 18). The flashbacks are incessant and in the past week, any tiny amount of added stress sends me over the edge into heavy crying spells or rage. Not only am I getting flashbacks, but I am now reliving the trauma - on a daily basis. Yesterday, for example, I had two mildly stressful things happen and the combination of those things sent me over the edge. I found a solitary place, broke down crying and found myself uncontrollably saying "stop, don't touch me, get off me, no, please, get the f*ck off me, I'm begging you, etc. etc." I was inconsolable and shaking. I knew no one was there but felt the same desperation I felt when being terrorized before age 14/15 and sexually traumatized after. I called a friend who is also a survivor of trauma and he talked me through it but it took 1-2 hours for me to calm down, and for awhile after I felt like my energy had been shot.
I woke up this morning to another mildly stressful situation and that sent me oscillating between depression and rage. It seems like the slightest amount of additional stress now makes me explode. My gender dysphoria (I am ftm trans) is getting to be unbearable as well (has been for years, but I always had some way to numb it in the past) and I am about to be eligible to start testosterone, but I am suddenly terrified of what that is going to do to my anger issues. I am finally for the first time in my life processing the rage I've repressed towards my abusive father and I have a horrible image of turning into him if I get on hormones now. I know the solution is probably to wait until I've processed more, but the depression from being pre-transition is so intense, it is often hard to even get dressed in the morning and it's only getting worse. I think about suicide every day, but keep on trudging. I am not sure what to do.

 

[Intrepid]

I think about suicide every day, but keep on trudging.

I like that. Trudging.

My sobriety required a different recovery process than my recovery from trauma. I think one reason I stayed sober is that I kept them separate. People in my recovery substance abuse program generally didn't relate to the trauma. My therapists generally didn't get my substance abuse recovery program. But for me I couldn't have one without the other. I had to do these in parallel.

No one knows what to do at the beginning. You are starting like a lot of people: at a really bad place. I felt like the processing was endless, but after years, things have improved so much. Glad to see your post!

 

[TXbandit]

Hang in there @staywithme and congrats on your 98 + days of sobriety. That's one hell of a feat! I hope all is calmed down now for you.