Flashbacks

[Deleted member 29961]

@Gadgie thanks, I find it to be very therapeutic, it has helped me deal with my trauma and come to terms with my past. I have many notebooks full of poetry, stories and wild rants and ravings. And I agree, does seem to help in an odd sort of way.

 

[Deleted member 29961]

@Gadgie and @Cj77, for me, I think things were a little different, in my youth and young adult years I felt lost and incomplete, confused and alone. I was wandering about looking for something but I didn't know what it was. I felt like a jigsaw puzzle who's pieces were scattered about and some of the pieces were missing.

 

[Gadgie]

I'm glad that someone else feels that writing helps, as I thought I was abnormal and quirky. Have you ever gone back and read your writings, later on after the low spell has left you? I do, I will go over the poems and change a line here and there, to make sound better, or I will come up with a better line.

I think the short stories I write, are what I would have liked my life to me back then, as I'm basically replacing the forgotten parts with what I would have liked to have happened, if you know what I mean?

My childhood was violent, and when I left home I thought I was safe, but during my time in the forces and my years in the emergency services, I went through some really bad stuff, which was all filed away with the earlier stuff.

It stayed there for over thirty five years, when that sudden jolt opened the file, and the documents all came flying out, the rest, well we all know the rest.

 

[Deleted member 29961]

Yes, I do go back and re-read material, and sometimes tweak them just a bit. when I write my poetry, its like I'm trying to paint a picture except only with words. I try to capture how I was feeling at the time I wrote the poem.

I think I understand what you mean about your stories but most of mine are fiction, fantasy and Sci-Fi with a horror theme. I wrote one autobiographical one once, it dealt with the most severe trauma I've remembered thus far. I started writing it fifteen years ago and stopped writing it fifteen year ago without finishing it. Haven't looked at it since, the one exception to my going back and re-reading things.

Violent childhood here too, can relate. I tried to join the military three times and was turned down three times. I figured if they don't want me I probably don't want to be there. many of my friends and my little brother all joined the military. My brother went to Panama when we ousted Noriaga, then he went to fight in the first gulf war. After that he was in Mogadeshu during our "Blackhawk Down" Snafoo. When He returned home he became an Emergency Medical Technician (EMT) and was studying to be a paramedic. that's when he cracked, beat up his first wife, got in a scuffle with the first police officer on the scene, got the officer's pistol, shot the officer (wounded him only) then tried to use it to take his own life.

Sorry, got off on a bit of a tangent there, I like how you describe it a the files flying everywhere, I always likened it like someone kicked the card table and the puzzle pieces went flying everywhere. two similar ways of expressing the same thing.

 

[Gadgie]

Did your brother receive any physiological help after that event? As being a veteran he should be entitled to that. I once a saw a documentary on TV, about US veterans and how much help there was available to them, it was really interesting.

I had six sessions in a bereavement group, who had lost loved ones to cancer, it did help me a lot, but just as I was beginning to open up, it was the last session. I suppose it was my fault for taking too long to respond, but I did came away with a better understanding, so I did get something positive out of it.

Only wish there was something like that available for PTSD sufferers?

 

[Deleted member 29961]

Yes he did, he was institutionalized for about nine months which went towards time served for his assault charges. He spent another year incarcerated. To keep a long story short, he used his GI Bill to get a degree in computer programing, he is remarried and has two beautiful children, has a nice home in a nice neighborhood, has a decent job and has received a pardon so he is no longer considered a felon. I'm jealous, but proud. As for our VA (Veteran's Administration) system, it wasn't always so, back in the 70s and 80s it was understaffed and under funded. I thank our Vietnam veterans for bringing that to light and facilitating change. How is it in the UK dare I ask?

I was in group therapy once, it was for anxiety and depression. I think it took me 4 or 5 sessions to do more than introduce myself, so don't beat yourself up to much over it. Besides, six sessions doesn't hardly seem like enough for bereavement for lost loved ones. I am glad you came away with something positive though.

It would be nice to have one just for PTSD.

 

[oasis2003]

I'm shivering with the cold, yet sweating at the same time. My whole body shakes really bad, and I have no control of it at all.

Don't know whether the quote has worked it is the first time I have tried it!

This happens on and off. I cannot talk about things but smells and if I see people or things that remind me of the trauma then FLASHBACK REAL. I tried to get a safe place in therapy but when reliving memories in EMDR it did not work . I think I was way out of the window of tolerance. My body remembers and I have lots of repressed emotions and memories no wonder I am dissociating a lot at the mo. So no you are not alone in experiencing this gadgie. When all of this started happening to me I just did not know what was going on. I just knew it was hell on earth and wanted it to stop.

 

[Gadgie]

You know, I'm really glad I found this site, as for years I thought I was abnormal and freaky, but now I know that there are people out there, who are going through the same nightmare.

I did ask the therapist I was seeing a couple of years ago, if there was a group for PTSD sufferers, and she no, because there wasn't enough people with it, to justify having a group?

Yes Jig Saw, six meetings wasn't enough, but that's all we had? It was the same with that other therapy I had, I was dropped from the patient list because they said I wasn't responding to it, I felt totally betrayed and isolated.

I went through a really bad spell after my wife passed away, and the treatment from her family, made things a lot worse. I reached rock bottom, and was at the point of ending it all.

In desperation, I made contact with my sister, after many years of silence, and it was the best thing I ever did. It boosted my spirit and gave me the confidence to pick myself up, and go for it. That along with my recent reunion on board the Yacht, have been such a big boost, and gave me the confidence I needed to carry on.

There is a long way to go yet, and I still have to get used to living alone, but at least the suicidal thoughts are now a memory, all be it a bad one.

 

[Powder]

For me, flashbacks that happen just as I'm waking up haven't been as upsetting or bad for me. I'm more relaxed and receptive in that state. I feel mostly sad, and not as scared. Don't know why. No reason for that I can find.

The ones that hit while I'm active in the middle of the day are downright confusing and upsetting to all involved. I'm having to fight them and just let them come at the same time, while juggling my daily responsibilities. It feels like a huge traffic jam in my being. They last longer as I push-pull and seem to switch into different personalities or ego states as they take over.

The night ones make sense when I awake, and I just accept the memory and have a kind of peace about it. Maybe it's the sleep hormones.

When they happen during awake times, it's the same content, but I get cold, hot, chattering teeth, then super cold, like I'm actually a corpse in a fridge who maybe came back to life and is DAMN cold now. I once got into the hot bath still wearing my winter robe and was shaking and teeth chattering for about 30 minutes in that straight, hot water.

My T said to drink ice water to fight dissociation, but not in that state, my friend! No way, no how.

I also don't know if it's normal, (clears throat) but twice now, In flashback, I was actually replaying the memory in my body, and though I could see real life and people around me, it was like a transparency of the past was over them, and I lost control. My body was being run as if I was in the past trauma memory, and I was screaming, fighting, punching, cursing, and doing whatever I did back them.

I'm told this is not just a flashback but an Emotional part of the personality "taking over the controls" by being triggered in flashback.

During sleep, at least I haven't attacked anyone or been saving someone's life, like I have in waking ones. :/

 

[hodge]

CJ77, I also feel like my first 30, actually 40 years were, well not exactly a lie, but a dream, maybe. They were blessed years during which I didn't have PTSD symptoms. I thrived, I worked, I volunteered much of my time for causes I believed in and still believe in. Then it all came crashing to an end after a series of events: 9/11, coming to terms with my mother, finally feeling secure with my husband and myself. Then it all hit. I feel like I can't count on anything anymore, that getting better just makes me worse. But I should temper that . . . it seems that as I've gotten better, other things have come up that I have to deal with. And they make me feel worse, like what the heck is going on now? But, I have to deal with them, too. I guess I just have to accept that this is a lifelong thing.

Still, I have also written poetry and I encourage you in that. I also started painting at the old age of 46 and have been asked to display some of my work in one of our storefronts in town during our summer festival this year, which is stressful, but a positive stressful. Luckily I have a good friend here who will help me get it together.

 

[hodge]

Muse, I think you are describing a flashback, where you are back in the situation, feeling, smelling, everything feels the same in that moment/moments when something bad happened. It's normal for PTSD. Yeah, it's horrible to be back there. I don't know how to prevent them. All I know is to go to therapy, process this stuff and hope that leads to a better life. I've had multiple traumas in my life, but I haven't had as many flashbacks about the ones I've processed in therapy, so I hope that helps.

 

[Gadgie]

Most if my flashbacks are in my nightmares, which are so real, it's like reliving those events all over again, which means I wake up screaming.

Yet other times they come when I'm wide awake, like recently when I passed a garden where the family were having a Bar/B/Q and cooking pork. The smell of that, took me right back to when we attended an incident where people were burnt alive.

That took a long time for me to try and get it out of my memory, but they never really go, do they?