Flat Out Angry (all The Time)

[benjumaan]

Well I just get angry for no reason whatsoever, idk why... and when i do i hold it in, then it gets worse and i explode either on myself or anyone around me. I'll just start hitting myself or yelling at people.

 

[Abrasky]

I like to think of anger is closer to healing than non anger or numness. When I first started therapy 13 years ago, I never got angry at all. But 10 years into the therapy, the anger started coming up, to the point now I am going through piecing together the core pain of my PTSD and there is a rage coming out.

I think the less emotionally numb I am the more emotionally angry I get. Anger pushes the memories past the subconsious into the subconscious so anger is important for healing. Not fun to have though.

If you are not ready to retrive emotions, anger can overwhelm you in my experience, I am so glad I have gone slow with my recovery. I couldn't face any more anger at the moment and hold it in.

My psychologist use to reassure me that feeling anger was helpful to keep me safe. I am pretty safe!

 

[Paranoid10]

I would never say that anger is wrong, as it is a human emotion and is designed as a safety mechanism.

However, with that being said, I feel that too much of something is never a good thing. Moderation, in my opinion, is a very useful tool. It is very much a good thing to be angry.

I compare it to the Hoover Dam. When water reaches a certain level, the floodgates need to be opened to release the excess water. However, if the floodgates aren't opened or a crack develops in the wall, (generally speaking), the water doesn't come out in a controlled manner. It's more like Niagra Falls busting through. This can be a very dangerous thing.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

I think for me the problem is that I have so much anger that it consumes me. I am bitter over the things that have happened, naturally. And while I work on my responses to my anger, I get increasing more frustrated which turns into more anger. Which, well, its a vicious cycle isn't it.

I get angry at myself and my circumstances so often that I don't know or realize that I have any other emotion at all. My anger is a symptom of my pain, and I know this. But I can not stop the anger from being the most dominant response. So I control the things that I feel that I can. Eating disorders, OCDs, etc. And when I cannot control my actions or reactions to the cause of the pain and anger, I am on the extreme side with my other symptoms. Which makes me angry- and then the cycle begins again.

I have held it in, and sat quietly, ignoring that it exists, pretending that my trauma(s) simply didn't happen. I have been to that place, that pivotal moment when you can no longer live in self denial, and when it came out- it came out ugly. And I haven't been able to tame it since. It is an uphill battle. It is a marathon, but with no finish line.

I do try to digress and to stop myself from speaking when I am "in the moment"- yet as someone who has been the victim of repeated abuse, I find this to be extremely difficult since part of my therapy was and has been to stop holding it in- to find my voice and to stand up for myself for the first time in more than 20 years. It is walking a very fine line, and I struggle desperately to stay on the right side of it.

Paranoid10- Your post is perfect. A bazooka to a knife fight- lol. That is me to a perfect 'T'. It is however always difficult to consider the collateral damage when that party has been (in part, and in a different way) a contributor to your PTSD.

I am just trying to get to that point where I can get past the anger long enough that I can get through 1- just 1 entire day without blowing a head gasket.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

And today was not the day for that to happen.

I finally got the itch. "Get out, go to the store- because you need food." I heard myself say it over and over before I finally convinced myself that it needed to happen. Ok, I will be honest, it wasn't food that I need- it was actually a pack of smokes but thats not the point at all. The point is, I went down stairs, got the new car out (which is one of the few things that makes me happy- the new car), got the kids in and got their movie going. Made it to the store, got what I needed plus a few extra goodies for the kids. Everything was perfect. I parked the car, looked at it in awe- it is a fascinating machine after all. Make up to the steps of the house (which is actually an apartment, but is not called that here) open the door and there is one of my neighbors complaining, yelling at me actually that the noise woke up her baby and why did we need to even use it (the vehicle lift) if we only have one car, and why do we even need a car, "you americans"- I guess she just had to add that. BOOM- Blown head gasket- fortunately it was me and not the new car I suppose.

I dont know exactly what I said, but it was something along the lines of- try getting a real house instead of an apartment for your whiny kid if the noise bothers it, f!"§$ car nazi! Oh yes, I called a german woman, in Germany- a Nazi, and to her face. I have never seen anyone turn so pale in my entire life. The worst part was when I realized- my children were at full attention.

I am so mad at myself that I could punch myself in the face right now.

 

[Paranoid10]

I hate to sound like a broken record here, but remember what I said about collateral damage when using the bazooka? Did she deserve what you had said? Yes. But there is a time and place in which to fight your battles. Only you can decide if that battle is going to be on your terms and at a time that is appropriate for you. I'll give you a hypothetical example, what if you would have told your kids, "Go inside the house. Mommy will be there in just a moment." Then once the door is closed. Feel free to cut loose on her. I bet you would have felt better then. I hope you don't take what I'm saying as a criticism. I'm merely trying to make a suggestion. I sincerely am sorry that this has happened.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Ah Paranoid10- I take it as constructive criticism. You are so -so -so -right. I was a jerk. And I do not want my kids to believe that this is the way we treat other people, no matter how bad we feel. I sat the kids down and explained why when we are feeling bad that we should not make the people around us suffer- making someone else feel bad doesn't make us feel any better. My kids are smart, and they know that I have been through some really hard times even if they do not know the specific details. They know I need help, and that day to day things can often be overwhelming. My 14 year old son, who has at times amazed me with the things that he has said had the most brilliant thing to say about it. "Mom, with everything else going on, it is just amazing that you are still alive. If having to hear you say things like that means that you are still alive, then its a fair trade. And I know that if I said it you would kick my butt, no matter how old I am. Maybe your mom should have been willing to do for you what you do for us- and then you wouldn't have to say things like that now." The best part is watching the younger two children listen to him. I am so glad that they have him for guidance.

That kid- he is my hope.

 

[Paranoid10]

Kids are wonderful. They can be stressful at times but, all in all they are wonderful. We can learn so much from them. I would give anything to have their innocence again. When you have hope, you know you will make it through this.

 

[Paranoid10]

I don't think you were being a jerk. I think you just reacted to the situation, much like I did with mine. It doesn't make you a horrible person. It just makes you human.

Stick your chest out, pick your chin up and realize that what you did is well within human nature to do. Everyone has done it before, including myself. The key to this, in my opinion, is to break the cycle of events so that your kids don't see it again.

I know it's easier said than done. But continue to try. Never give up on yourself and remember that you hold more power over this than you think you do. Never accept defeat and never surrender.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

While I cannot take back what is done, I wanted my kids to see what "accountability" means. I made some coffee truffles, a past favorite of mine, and I took them downstairs to my neighbor. I knocked on the door- hoping that she would see that it was me I had a note in hand to leave them on her mat- but she answered.

I gave them to her, and without making any excuses or blaming my conditions and my irrational behaviour, I apologized. I told her that I had been out of line, and that I remember how difficult it is to have a baby in the house and that if my noise had disturbed her, I was sorry and that I had not intended to do so. She talked to me in front of my children for the next hour about how down she has been, she is suffering with post-partum, and that there had been a great amount of noise in the house lately due to construction right outside of the window of her baby. She asked me in for coffee- which I requested a rain check on.

So I blew it, and I fixed it. I hope that my kids learned something from this, and understand that even if you make a mistake, you can create an opportunity to fix it, and it can sometimes work.

I am still angry with myself, but I can now let myself off the hook for this one.

 

[Paranoid10]

Well, I would say I'm so proud of you but that probably sounds too much like what you're therapist might say. Uuggh! Lol. How about this. I am happy that you have picked and chosen your battles wisely. Sound better? Wait a minute! Lol. That sounds too yoda-ish. Lol. How about I'm just glad it worked out!

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Lol :) I will take it in any form. I just needed to fix it, since it was something that I felt needed fixing. And a pat on the back certainly reminds me that it is the better alternative to right it than to leave it wrong. My kids needed to see it, even if it failed. There is success in failure if you fail attempting to succeed. I am not perfect, and my response to her was equally imperfect- but no reason to believe that pride means anything when you have discharged a bazooka. :rolleyes: