-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
Floatin On a Bubble Waitin To Be Popped
- Post starter Ubu
- Start date
- Status
Nam
Diamond Member
Welcome Ubu. I'm glad you've found us. There's some couples here, one of them is my hubs...but he seems to have not much to say, lol....Anyway, it's good to have you here.
Hey Anthony
I'm vcc123.. I was a police dispatcher (which is how we met) I experienced officer involved shootings in which I was dispatching and one of my officers died. Hubby has been an officer forever.. is up for retirement in 3 1/2 years. He's seen ugly things.. over and over. I'll let him share.. he needs to. Just wanted to let you know how we're connected. :redface:
I'm vcc123.. I was a police dispatcher (which is how we met) I experienced officer involved shootings in which I was dispatching and one of my officers died. Hubby has been an officer forever.. is up for retirement in 3 1/2 years. He's seen ugly things.. over and over. I'll let him share.. he needs to. Just wanted to let you know how we're connected. :redface:
- Post starter
- #20
cont.
Well like they say three strikes and your out. Hopefully I can get this posted this time. I work wed thru sat 10hr shifts so it took me a while to get back. I wanted to write this in one sitting.
Since it was over 10 years ago I cant remember if I started on the zoloft when my marriage started to go down hill or if it was just before. Anyway the last three years of my marriage I tried to keep it together. My X started spending a lot of time with her new female friend. You know grocery shopping until 3 am in the morning. They must have really good sales at that time. I got suspicious about 3 months after they met. Even the people in the church were asking questions.
After about a year and a half my in-laws came to visit and my X’s stepmom said to me are you a saint or are you just stupid. I said I guess a little of both. I started talking with Vcc about 6 or 8 months later. We had so much in common. She was gorgeous and beautiful inside and out. We met and went to the canyons on sept 12 some 7 years ago and we made love for the first time. Of course my guilt over shadowed the beautiful moment. The church, adultery all that B.S.
Our relationship continued for a couple of months. I loved Vcc with all my heart and I could not imagine living without her. But the guilt of my kids and how I would hurt them made it very difficult to leave. I did leave though I felt so guilty for my kid and how I had hurt them. Because I left It was all my fault. My kids were crying, my X was crying because she couldn’t have her cake and eat it too. Bitch. My kids could see the problem with my X and her friend though. She was never home and the kids would complain. My youngest daughter J found the love letters between her mom and the friend when she was 8 and she brought them to me and said dad these letter don’t sound right. This was before I left of course...quit some time before I left.
I moved in with my mom. I told the church leaders I served with that I had marriage problems and I was moving out and I wouldn’t be able to attend the meeting anymore because I was moving across the valley. Of course I had my own guilt...sinner....failing God. Alls the leader could say was can you still come to the meeting until I can replace you, would you make an appointment to meet with me in regards to your problems. I was moving 1 to 2 hours away. I was not coming back. After a few months living with my mom. I move in with Vcc. Of course my X made sure the church leaders knew. So I was contacted a little over a year after I left by the church to let me know I was being excommunicated. They were going to hold a meeting and I could attend. The president said you don’t have to attend and we will just take the action that needs to be taken. Well I showed up. 15 men sitting around a table asking you questions about what happened. I told them about the marriage and my adultery. One of them said what are you even doing here. I told the ****er I was here to take responsibility for my action. There were more dum ass question. Basically I would not distance myself from Vcc. So I was a sinner but I had my reasons.
While I was serving in the church I and the other leaders taught of love, faith, hope, supporting each other. Leaving the 99 and going after the 1 that was in trouble. Well they called my after a year wanting to x me. They didn’t try to call before that to see how I was doing. I felt hurt and abandon. Because I was dump enough to give 110% of my self. My time, talents, money, soul everything. I expect love, care, and concern. Nope they didn’t give a shit!
Work found out about the problems....I used my police vehicle a few times to meet Vcc. So they wrote me up on 6 policy charges. They told me if I would have told them I was separated I could have parked my car in Vcc’s driveway. Im sure other cops here have seen it. When your in the gutter and hurtin you can always count on your admin to come up and take the boots to you when your down.
Then we come to now. Vcc and I have been together for almost 8 years. My youngest daughter J loves Vcc and like her better that her own mom. My son A stays neutral he likes Vcc. My oldest daughter M can be rude to her and her daughter and I’ve had a couple of blowups with her. But as in just about every time you blend to family there is going to be stress and tension. I get along well with Vcc’s oldest daughter K. I love her I help her were I can. She has her issues. Her bio dad didn’t want anything to do with her. Her stepdad S is an ass when It comes to her and doesn’t treat her fairly. S is Vcc’s youngest daughters dad. Her youngest daughter A...well we don’t get along well. She is much like her father and then some. A is the most irresponsible, manipulating, self centered , and disrespectful person I have ever met. If I try to reprimand her for doing something wrong. She will cry and tell Vcc that im mean and I don’t love her and I should not talk to her. Then A goes on her manipulating cycle and I end up getting talked to. So now I try to get my point across by using examples. I think it causes a lot of stress for Vcc and me. For example if I was at a party with Vcc and someone walked up and called her a slut. I could proceed to beat the shit out of the person. When A starts her disrespect to her mother, the love of my life I have to sit there and bite my lip. It causes me great internal anger. Which comes out in other areas. The problem is, is that this arguing between them occurs almost everyday or night, and it will last from 30 mins to 2 hours. Do I think some of the stress that adds to Vcc PTSD comes from A OOO you bet. Its going on right now. I have watched over the years them fight. Vcc after a fight will lay in her bed...just stressed. A will be whistling 15 minutes after the fight. I feel bad because it puts Vcc in the middle. But its tough for me to watch this happen when I want to drop the hammer and stop it.
Of course I have my own issues. That have stacked up over the years abandon by church, work to a certain point. Troubles with my kids, her kids, Alcohol the last 5 years. Lost my mom last July car accident. But one thing I knew is that I was so blessed to have Vcc in my life. I love her with every fiber of my being. She told me over the passed 2 years my drinking bothered her. She told me of her X B that would drink from 10 am till her passed out everyday. I kept rationalizing well I just start drinking after 6. I have it under control. I didn’t listen and I didn’t understand how big of an issue this was. I was a dummy. I quit 13 days ago. Vcc woke up crying 12 days ago and told me about an old boy friend she had been talking to and she had one foot out the door. She said she had been talking with him for about 2 weeks and that they had always asked about each other and they felt like they missed out on the last 20 years since they were not together. He cheated on her when she was 18 and she left. She told me that he was talking about leaving his marriage but that he couldn’t for his kids and that he had once again ripped her heart out. Of course I felt kicked in the stomach, my heart was ripped out. When im in the emotion of it I cant believe it. When I think rationally I can see she is in the shitty dungeon of PTSD and she is not thinking correctly. Her fight and flight mechs are kickin. She want to got to this peaceful little town and be with this guy who isnt a cop and is really mellow. I say the cop thing because I reminder everyday of the officer that got shot and killed on the call she was dispatching on. In my opinion this is a fantasy place to escape to. She would regret it. Another thing that adds to the stressor is the fact that we have been to 8 funerals in less that a year of close loved one and friends. Its gettin late and im rambling.
So I feel like im sittin on a bubble waiting for boyfriend to call a day, month, years from now and he is going to say im ready and she’ll leave.
Im scared I want my security back. She used to say I want to grow old with you, ill never leave. I will love her with all my heart and support her for however long it take. I will be here and hope that day never comes.
As for me in my job and PTSD. I don’t know I see the same things other cops see. People commit suicide with high power rifles. Brain matter everywhere, watch people die after a traffic accident watch them do the death rattle and there nothing you can do. Children die even after yo do CPR. Investigating SIDS of infants. There was one the little guy was 6 months old. And Vcc and I have a beautiful 4 year old boy now. But he was 8 months old when I was doing the SIDS investigation. It really hit home. You’re watching the medical examiner cut up this little body. God poor little thing. I investigated child sex crimes for 4 years. Put a few perverts in prison. Then their out in 8 years trolling again. Just a matter of time before they give some other little child a life long sentence of emotional problems. I ve got a lot of anger towards our system. Its bull shit.
Domestic violence people treating their love ones like shit emotional, physical. Killing them. Murder/ suicides. I don’t know it all starts to run together. Im sure I delt with less that some, more that others. The one that has stuck with me though is a young man just before this last Christmas he was upset, he and his wife had gotten a divorce and she wasnt going to let him see the kids for christmas. When we got there he had hung himself from a tree in the back yard. It was cold it had been snowing. We ran back there. I got out my knife and cut him down. Poor kid... I ve been there to that point. If he just could have stayed in there. It will pass. Its tough but it will pass. There will be better days.
Anyway after seeing what my wife has gone through I respect all of you who are battling this shit. So of you say you are not strong anymore. I say just the opposite you are very strong. I admire your strength. Continue forward, battle on. May God bless you.
Sorry for the venting and whining
Well like they say three strikes and your out. Hopefully I can get this posted this time. I work wed thru sat 10hr shifts so it took me a while to get back. I wanted to write this in one sitting.
Since it was over 10 years ago I cant remember if I started on the zoloft when my marriage started to go down hill or if it was just before. Anyway the last three years of my marriage I tried to keep it together. My X started spending a lot of time with her new female friend. You know grocery shopping until 3 am in the morning. They must have really good sales at that time. I got suspicious about 3 months after they met. Even the people in the church were asking questions.
After about a year and a half my in-laws came to visit and my X’s stepmom said to me are you a saint or are you just stupid. I said I guess a little of both. I started talking with Vcc about 6 or 8 months later. We had so much in common. She was gorgeous and beautiful inside and out. We met and went to the canyons on sept 12 some 7 years ago and we made love for the first time. Of course my guilt over shadowed the beautiful moment. The church, adultery all that B.S.
Our relationship continued for a couple of months. I loved Vcc with all my heart and I could not imagine living without her. But the guilt of my kids and how I would hurt them made it very difficult to leave. I did leave though I felt so guilty for my kid and how I had hurt them. Because I left It was all my fault. My kids were crying, my X was crying because she couldn’t have her cake and eat it too. Bitch. My kids could see the problem with my X and her friend though. She was never home and the kids would complain. My youngest daughter J found the love letters between her mom and the friend when she was 8 and she brought them to me and said dad these letter don’t sound right. This was before I left of course...quit some time before I left.
I moved in with my mom. I told the church leaders I served with that I had marriage problems and I was moving out and I wouldn’t be able to attend the meeting anymore because I was moving across the valley. Of course I had my own guilt...sinner....failing God. Alls the leader could say was can you still come to the meeting until I can replace you, would you make an appointment to meet with me in regards to your problems. I was moving 1 to 2 hours away. I was not coming back. After a few months living with my mom. I move in with Vcc. Of course my X made sure the church leaders knew. So I was contacted a little over a year after I left by the church to let me know I was being excommunicated. They were going to hold a meeting and I could attend. The president said you don’t have to attend and we will just take the action that needs to be taken. Well I showed up. 15 men sitting around a table asking you questions about what happened. I told them about the marriage and my adultery. One of them said what are you even doing here. I told the ****er I was here to take responsibility for my action. There were more dum ass question. Basically I would not distance myself from Vcc. So I was a sinner but I had my reasons.
While I was serving in the church I and the other leaders taught of love, faith, hope, supporting each other. Leaving the 99 and going after the 1 that was in trouble. Well they called my after a year wanting to x me. They didn’t try to call before that to see how I was doing. I felt hurt and abandon. Because I was dump enough to give 110% of my self. My time, talents, money, soul everything. I expect love, care, and concern. Nope they didn’t give a shit!
Work found out about the problems....I used my police vehicle a few times to meet Vcc. So they wrote me up on 6 policy charges. They told me if I would have told them I was separated I could have parked my car in Vcc’s driveway. Im sure other cops here have seen it. When your in the gutter and hurtin you can always count on your admin to come up and take the boots to you when your down.
Then we come to now. Vcc and I have been together for almost 8 years. My youngest daughter J loves Vcc and like her better that her own mom. My son A stays neutral he likes Vcc. My oldest daughter M can be rude to her and her daughter and I’ve had a couple of blowups with her. But as in just about every time you blend to family there is going to be stress and tension. I get along well with Vcc’s oldest daughter K. I love her I help her were I can. She has her issues. Her bio dad didn’t want anything to do with her. Her stepdad S is an ass when It comes to her and doesn’t treat her fairly. S is Vcc’s youngest daughters dad. Her youngest daughter A...well we don’t get along well. She is much like her father and then some. A is the most irresponsible, manipulating, self centered , and disrespectful person I have ever met. If I try to reprimand her for doing something wrong. She will cry and tell Vcc that im mean and I don’t love her and I should not talk to her. Then A goes on her manipulating cycle and I end up getting talked to. So now I try to get my point across by using examples. I think it causes a lot of stress for Vcc and me. For example if I was at a party with Vcc and someone walked up and called her a slut. I could proceed to beat the shit out of the person. When A starts her disrespect to her mother, the love of my life I have to sit there and bite my lip. It causes me great internal anger. Which comes out in other areas. The problem is, is that this arguing between them occurs almost everyday or night, and it will last from 30 mins to 2 hours. Do I think some of the stress that adds to Vcc PTSD comes from A OOO you bet. Its going on right now. I have watched over the years them fight. Vcc after a fight will lay in her bed...just stressed. A will be whistling 15 minutes after the fight. I feel bad because it puts Vcc in the middle. But its tough for me to watch this happen when I want to drop the hammer and stop it.
Of course I have my own issues. That have stacked up over the years abandon by church, work to a certain point. Troubles with my kids, her kids, Alcohol the last 5 years. Lost my mom last July car accident. But one thing I knew is that I was so blessed to have Vcc in my life. I love her with every fiber of my being. She told me over the passed 2 years my drinking bothered her. She told me of her X B that would drink from 10 am till her passed out everyday. I kept rationalizing well I just start drinking after 6. I have it under control. I didn’t listen and I didn’t understand how big of an issue this was. I was a dummy. I quit 13 days ago. Vcc woke up crying 12 days ago and told me about an old boy friend she had been talking to and she had one foot out the door. She said she had been talking with him for about 2 weeks and that they had always asked about each other and they felt like they missed out on the last 20 years since they were not together. He cheated on her when she was 18 and she left. She told me that he was talking about leaving his marriage but that he couldn’t for his kids and that he had once again ripped her heart out. Of course I felt kicked in the stomach, my heart was ripped out. When im in the emotion of it I cant believe it. When I think rationally I can see she is in the shitty dungeon of PTSD and she is not thinking correctly. Her fight and flight mechs are kickin. She want to got to this peaceful little town and be with this guy who isnt a cop and is really mellow. I say the cop thing because I reminder everyday of the officer that got shot and killed on the call she was dispatching on. In my opinion this is a fantasy place to escape to. She would regret it. Another thing that adds to the stressor is the fact that we have been to 8 funerals in less that a year of close loved one and friends. Its gettin late and im rambling.
So I feel like im sittin on a bubble waiting for boyfriend to call a day, month, years from now and he is going to say im ready and she’ll leave.
Im scared I want my security back. She used to say I want to grow old with you, ill never leave. I will love her with all my heart and support her for however long it take. I will be here and hope that day never comes.
As for me in my job and PTSD. I don’t know I see the same things other cops see. People commit suicide with high power rifles. Brain matter everywhere, watch people die after a traffic accident watch them do the death rattle and there nothing you can do. Children die even after yo do CPR. Investigating SIDS of infants. There was one the little guy was 6 months old. And Vcc and I have a beautiful 4 year old boy now. But he was 8 months old when I was doing the SIDS investigation. It really hit home. You’re watching the medical examiner cut up this little body. God poor little thing. I investigated child sex crimes for 4 years. Put a few perverts in prison. Then their out in 8 years trolling again. Just a matter of time before they give some other little child a life long sentence of emotional problems. I ve got a lot of anger towards our system. Its bull shit.
Domestic violence people treating their love ones like shit emotional, physical. Killing them. Murder/ suicides. I don’t know it all starts to run together. Im sure I delt with less that some, more that others. The one that has stuck with me though is a young man just before this last Christmas he was upset, he and his wife had gotten a divorce and she wasnt going to let him see the kids for christmas. When we got there he had hung himself from a tree in the back yard. It was cold it had been snowing. We ran back there. I got out my knife and cut him down. Poor kid... I ve been there to that point. If he just could have stayed in there. It will pass. Its tough but it will pass. There will be better days.
Anyway after seeing what my wife has gone through I respect all of you who are battling this shit. So of you say you are not strong anymore. I say just the opposite you are very strong. I admire your strength. Continue forward, battle on. May God bless you.
Sorry for the venting and whining
I don't think so!!!
Ubu,
Venting, yep. Whining? I don't think so!! You are dealing with some mighty complex issues. To get them out in the open is the only way to gain any objectivity, or to see what is really affecting you.
To be betrayed by the church is such a sad thing... God's people are not supposed to be in the judgement seat. So much of the time those same leaders are doing the same sin and are just better at consealing it.
Ubu, please consider this....A true relationship with God is not based on the church as a building, but is based on a relationship with Jesus Christ. One that you have in your heart. Not inside the walls of a building. People will fail. They will fall. Jesus will never betray you. He will always be there for you. If you find a place where you can be with others to worship, that is a wonderful thing. But, beware of expecting too much. Evil in the world has a mighty grip and it is so easy for us to fall into its traps. You know this better than most due to your job. Please seek comfort in the heart of Christ!! HE will see you to safety and give you peace.
I can feel that you love vcc with all of your heart. Your coming here to talk with us, tells us that. You also need to gain strength so that you can do your job, and help her to heal. Venting is a good start!! We are so glad that you are here!! In the spouse section there are some threads that have given me much more insight about what we are all dealing with here. So many people hurting!! Im kinda overwhelmed sometimes, all I can do is pray..
Tears..........
Wayne
Ubu,
Venting, yep. Whining? I don't think so!! You are dealing with some mighty complex issues. To get them out in the open is the only way to gain any objectivity, or to see what is really affecting you.
To be betrayed by the church is such a sad thing... God's people are not supposed to be in the judgement seat. So much of the time those same leaders are doing the same sin and are just better at consealing it.
Ubu, please consider this....A true relationship with God is not based on the church as a building, but is based on a relationship with Jesus Christ. One that you have in your heart. Not inside the walls of a building. People will fail. They will fall. Jesus will never betray you. He will always be there for you. If you find a place where you can be with others to worship, that is a wonderful thing. But, beware of expecting too much. Evil in the world has a mighty grip and it is so easy for us to fall into its traps. You know this better than most due to your job. Please seek comfort in the heart of Christ!! HE will see you to safety and give you peace.
I can feel that you love vcc with all of your heart. Your coming here to talk with us, tells us that. You also need to gain strength so that you can do your job, and help her to heal. Venting is a good start!! We are so glad that you are here!! In the spouse section there are some threads that have given me much more insight about what we are all dealing with here. So many people hurting!! Im kinda overwhelmed sometimes, all I can do is pray..
Tears..........
Wayne
- Post starter
- #23
UBU, brother you just told my story. MPD found out about me and my wife TIG, similar circumstances and booted me out of R&D and relieved of duty. Stayed with parents, X a bitch, problems with kids and step-kids, goes on and on. I too drank way toooo much for a long time. Chior practice at the end of the shift (about 3 fifths of Wild Turkey per week). All the bad shit we've seen that was never meant for eyes connected to any kind of soul. Why don't you go to the Trauma Diaries and post some stuff beginning with the worst one. You don't have to make it public if you don't want too. I had doubts at first but it does make you feel better. I finally had to suck it up and go to psyc once a week. Everybody on the shift and in the rumor circle knows but F*** them. If you need to talk shoot me (no pun) a PM
Stay safe Bro.
Terry
Stay safe Bro.
Terry
- Status
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
Latest posts
-
-
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- Latest: Seraphine fatal
