For Anyone Retired or No Longer Working

[TruthSeeker]

Yup I just didn't expect to be out of the workforce at 59. Trying to work in the "mindfulness stuff" in mundane tasks. Mom was my secondary abuser and also main one in neglect so allowing myself to do these little things is kind of a big deal. Sort of like the "ya have to crack a few eggs to make an omelet" sort of thing. I'm doing well at not larding up the present with the past... but reluctant to allow myself to think/believe/feel that things here are gonna be hearts & flowers, pastoral and serene. We still have our independent mental health issues and that is a delicate balance for both of us (as long as she can do so... then it will be solely consigned for me). Not looking forwards to that aspect at all unless I am better supported by spouse or with some sort of community commitment that I can sustain myself with mental/emotionally if not financially.

Thanks, keep it coming Wilbur!

@The Albatross
My 99 y/o father was who he was till he died-emotionally and physically absent, emotionally physically neglectful, and verbally abusive. There was no warmth in his heart-he had no fire for life. He was a cold, aloof, depressed, and a critical drunk most of his life. He verbally and regularly stated wishing for his life to end -started in his 60s. He lived to be 99. I have come to believe that he did the best he could, with the way he was raised- which was sh$t. Abuse is learned and generational- my grandfather was exactly the same. I know how to abuse- but I choose not to ( the skills were taught to me by my family). When he first came- there were issues( his drinking- which he stopped himself)!) and his constant criticism till the day he died that were upsetting. But in my mind, he was my father and this was my duty- as a good daughter. So I vowed to treat him kinder than he treated me. I gained lots of resilience but we did end the relationship better that we started. I had him 8 years. Then poof- one day he was gone.

Old age is a loss of independence-and demoralizing. I didn’t want to become him- cold and indifferent- and that could have easily happened. You need to understand that I always wished the past had been MUCH different-I wished in his old age he’d be loving and warm- more connected-and in a way- he was nearer the end of his life. My treating him humanely left a more positive imprint and when he died and the only regret I had was I wished things could have been different growing up.

I could live in the past with him there at my home and feel nothing or feel anger, or I could treat him the same as my mother-in-law who came to stay regularly who was close in age to my father- humanely, w kindness and concern.

Your mother doesn’t have to live with you if that emotional suitcase is too heavy. It is hard sometimes to separate past from present. Is having her their slowing or impeding your progress? Are you angry with a person you should have been able to trust-who now is dependent on you?
Be careful not to repeat the cycle-because as someone on this site said- love and hate are not opposites- indifference is the opposite of love.

As he got older, more disabled, I saw him for what he was-as powerless,withering old man and a very sad human being. I pitied him for his miserable life.

 

[The Albatross]

Your mother doesn’t have to live with you if that emotional suitcase is too heavy. It is hard sometimes to separate past from present. Is having her their slowing or impeding your progress? Are you angry with a person you should have been able to trust-who now is dependent on you?

Naw, I've come to terms with that long ago. Now it's about maintaining a sense of self worth as I traverse the situation in a way that will keep me mentally healthy and fit and keep me from sliding into depression - try to find satisfaction in very mundane things. She's very happy with her care and isn't having anxiety attacks anymore (she was having them since her building was set on fire a year ago on the 24th - 18 condos gone) - is happy with the classes and activities I find. I also know though that I need to put into place something that is challenging or rewarding personally.

 

[Mach123]

Trying to make myself do anything. Trying to beat myself up so I'll do something. Not happy with anything I do. Should be doing this or that.

Why most people can't handle being self employed or a college student.

I have a bit more routine my two adult daughters have to be got back and forth to their respective programs and my wife is coulenteering full time outside the home fifty hours a week.

When she comes home she's the worst husband ever and expects things to be ship shape. LOL

I keep the house very clean and I food shop and do laundry because if I were like you guys are describing and a mess everywhere I'd seriously be depressed.

Is the mess depression or is depression the mess?

We never had regular meals and still don't and I feel very guilty about that and lots of other stuff I wish was getting done.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I know @Wilbur!! Have accumulated a lot of STUFF. It's fun to be looking for something for a project and come across things I forgot I had

Then my brain goes wonky because I have so many new ideas. But it's great distraction from PTSD brain. :wacky:

I think my creative art dissociation time is healthy- my art is soo much better! Are you fully present in art?

 

[ladee]

Absolutely @Wilbur! I get lost in the creative process and time passes. And when I reach a stopping point with my art I don't remember what I was upset about. At least for awhile. And then it seems the distance I had makes the answer more clear or the problem less important. Same with you?

 

[TruthSeeker]

Absolutely @Wilbur! I get lost in the creative process and time passes. And when I reach a stopping point with my art I don't remember what I was upset about. At least for awhile. And then it seems the distance I had makes the answer more clear or the problem less important. Same with you?

Yes- when I do any kind of art- it’s like I walked into a distant zone- all is peaceful, totally focused, my world is right- so content. When Im finished-I’m proud of my work-feeling relaxed and proud, there is no drama related to art-just personal success.

 

[HealingInProcess]

A lot of great suggestions here. Thank you all!

 

[TruthSeeker]

@ladee
I also do other creative things like photography, music, write poetry, and write stories. I have the same feeling when writing poetry or stories-I'm in my zone, but for those two, I feel a wider variety of feelings. Photography and art give me the greatest distance. I love wildlife photography. Yeah-just me and nature.

With music, I play in a group. While it is creative, I haven't figured out how to get there-in my zone....maybe I just don't practice enough. I also compare my performance to others-in art, poetry, and writing....it's just me. There is a difference in how free and content I feel when doing things alone, and with others. So I take art lessons....with a small group of ladies in my age bracket. They are quite positive and supportive of each other's art. Make's art a positive social activity. It took me 2 years to feel comfy in a small group of people....very positive people. My circle is slowly widening.??

 

[The Albatross]

I actually have a stunted creative outlet thing... used to be very creative and artistic til after the first marriage to my nearly fatal domestic abuser and sexual sadist. From time to time I ponder this and have done goal challenges on a creative project (most recent one being my patriotic floral arrangement. Before relocation I would volunteer to do arrangements for memorial church member gatherings and table decorations. I liked the activity because it had the extra added bonus of the project being given away & not remaining in my home and because the gift was (if desired) a memento for a grieving person or family or a special event. But I don't have an opportunity for that now... not one that's appeared so far.

Even the concept of "play" or "playing" or "fun" takes some extra mental effort though I am able to do so at times and can usually settle down to enjoy the activity I set my sight on. I lose interest quickly (probably the ADD/ADHD thing) and haven't yet hit on a hobby that sticks. I've made jewelry, painted, sketched, done floral arranging, beaded, cross stitched, needle point, crocheted, tatting, macramé, mosaics, decoupage, collages... etc. Have yet to hit on a creative outlet/VACI (vital absorbing creative interest) that makes the cut and now (thought it applied before mom's arrival) $$$ is way limited.

I have also some semblance of aptitude for creative writing and poetry but nixed it as well because basically it boiled down to the processes and difficulties equally the absence of a unique style or point of view.

Online colleges offer courses at times for free... I expect, ultimately I can do those if I choose to select an area... but so far I haven't done so but I do like education. My areas of aptitude though are not in line with my interests there either.

Mister's calm acceptance of mom's presence is nice, but his caveman "sole provider" attitude can be irksome at times and never one to passively accept... it causes some friction at times (let's just say). Not sure what to do about that at this point but if I keep looking something may reveal itself so that I will retain the equal footing in the household I had to press for so hard as I was recovering and rejoining employment. (sigh) If anybody has any experience with an altered spousal dynamic and how to resolve it for mutual benefit and the peace of the household lemme know.

Mostly the reason for posting is the relational aspect from the shift back to not having an income. Still wondering how any of you have successfully navigated that with minimum angst at worst and peace & calm at best?

 

[The Albatross]

Hmm. Okay so the answer to that would be "no" or "no comment".

 

[Lucycat]

I retired 3 years ago after working as a Children's Nurse for about 34 years. I left early as I was struggling and was entitled to a small pension.

I have never looked back. I had no concrete plan when I retired, but within 6 months had started my own jam-making business and it is doing very well. My only stress now is deciding whether to make raspberry jam or grapefruit marmalade today! My income from this now matches my pension - so not much but well worth the effort. I often listen to audiobooks while I am cooking - I find it quite relaxing.

As far as housework goes, I love doing it. When I was working full time I was always rushing the housework and shoving the laundry over radiators as I'd not be there if it rained. Now I hang it out in the garden and can do washing anytime I want. I cook from scratch and mop the floors more often. I am able to be house proud at last.

 

[ladee]

@The Albatross, I have had to learn to budget to the nickel. I am physically unable to do any outside work anymore. And the things I make I give away. I am on the go less, so less money spent on travel or other expenses.

@Lucycat, I envy your productive energy, in a good way. After that many years of nursing and you don't have back problems? Hope not. And making extra money!! Good on you!