T
TESSLEE
My retired Combat vet just left me 4 days ago. I am still wrapping my brain around it all. We dated 3 mos but in those 3 mos we connected on levels that are so unexplainable and we both talked about how we were meant to find each other. He opened up to me a few times and I could feel his rawness and he made it a point to let me know I have been the only one he has ever let in this far. He told me he doesn't "feel"! If the world ended tomorrow he wouldn't care but he cared for me. I know this through and through. We lived apart. He lived out in the country where he was very much at ease and happy. I live in the city but am a true country girl. He'd always have me out to his place on the weekends and I had a little girl. He took us both in. We fit like a glove to each other. All my past relationships never came close to what he gave me and showed me and I was so open and raw with him. He taught me how to find me again. How to find peace within myself and I in returned would listen to him talk for hours and never get bored. I gave him all of me and I didn't even realize it. I would go up to his place on the weekends and not once did I ever ever feel he didn't want me there! He would scoop me up and make me feel at home. We had plans of living together and me quitting my career and finding a laid back job up in his small world. He brought me back to my original dream in life in so many ways. But during the weeks when I was home and we talked over the phone he would make comments like I keep coming up on the weekends and he doesn't get things he needs to get done.
I would constantly tell him all he has to say is not to come up or you need to go now but he NEVER did. I would tell him to tell me that and he would say I am just giving you crap. I would tell you to go if I wanted you to go. Over the few months we would have that conversation often over the phone but never in person. He always made me feel I was wanted when I was in person with him but over the phone during the week he was a bit different. Making comments about calling him and texting him all the time. He was accepting of the long conversations over the phone. I did not text or call him all the time. I knew better! There was no sign at all that he was wanting this over.... Then just a few days ago he showed up at my work and told me he had a ton of crap going on in his life he needed to get taken care of and some people he needs to get straightened out and didn't need me involved so our slate was clean we were done! Just like that. He was so cold and so empty. I have never seen that in him before. I asked where this is coming from and why? Basically all he could really give me is advanced feelings! He stated a week and a half ago he felt feeling coming on from both of us and that he cannot have that not yet. He does not "feel" as he has explained before but I was messing with his emotions now.
I said I have never hurt you or did you wrong and he said no you got feelings to come out of me! He cannot have that and that we are done and when he is done he is done. I am so broke and crushed. I never messed with his PTSD. We talked about it and he always said I made him calm. I would always listen and I got involved with things that he would do to calm his mind as he claimed. We reloaded together and he loved how I was into it and found calmness in it myself. He would hold on to me all night. Never really let me move away from him. When I went to his place I could feel his happiness and warmth that I was there. Why? Why would he push me away because he feels for me? I do not believe someone can truly do that! I asked if there was someone else and he was ice cold and said NO! I do not believe there is but it's so hard to grasp this. He has been retired for 4 yrs now. He as isolated himself from everyone it seems. Keeps his life simple but is struggling with child supports matters from his ex of 4 yrs now. I asked if he ever felt this way about someone besides me and he said yes the one I served divorce papers too. Within in a month and a half of dating she had a ring on her finger but not by his doing. He tried to make it work for nine and a half years. She cheated on him alot is what he tells me.
I am sorry this is so long but I am praying someone can explain some insight to me? I suffer from a history I have not dealt with and he has told me this. I have never loved someone like I do him! I am almost 40. He is 37. We are meant for each other! My gut knows this. I always have seen the ending before the beginning with others but with him I could not! He knows this! He always got me to open up. He said he is the one... WHY did he walk away? He did say to me when breaking up he was done and that we would never talk again. Then later retracted and said down the road I could call and he would answer. Well I text him that evening as we passed each other, I finally told him I love him! That was the first time ever and yes by text. He later replied in small chat. I then called and he did pick up right away... We talked an hour. Is this really over? Can someone with PTSD understand this? Explain to me? Anyone?
I would constantly tell him all he has to say is not to come up or you need to go now but he NEVER did. I would tell him to tell me that and he would say I am just giving you crap. I would tell you to go if I wanted you to go. Over the few months we would have that conversation often over the phone but never in person. He always made me feel I was wanted when I was in person with him but over the phone during the week he was a bit different. Making comments about calling him and texting him all the time. He was accepting of the long conversations over the phone. I did not text or call him all the time. I knew better! There was no sign at all that he was wanting this over.... Then just a few days ago he showed up at my work and told me he had a ton of crap going on in his life he needed to get taken care of and some people he needs to get straightened out and didn't need me involved so our slate was clean we were done! Just like that. He was so cold and so empty. I have never seen that in him before. I asked where this is coming from and why? Basically all he could really give me is advanced feelings! He stated a week and a half ago he felt feeling coming on from both of us and that he cannot have that not yet. He does not "feel" as he has explained before but I was messing with his emotions now.
I said I have never hurt you or did you wrong and he said no you got feelings to come out of me! He cannot have that and that we are done and when he is done he is done. I am so broke and crushed. I never messed with his PTSD. We talked about it and he always said I made him calm. I would always listen and I got involved with things that he would do to calm his mind as he claimed. We reloaded together and he loved how I was into it and found calmness in it myself. He would hold on to me all night. Never really let me move away from him. When I went to his place I could feel his happiness and warmth that I was there. Why? Why would he push me away because he feels for me? I do not believe someone can truly do that! I asked if there was someone else and he was ice cold and said NO! I do not believe there is but it's so hard to grasp this. He has been retired for 4 yrs now. He as isolated himself from everyone it seems. Keeps his life simple but is struggling with child supports matters from his ex of 4 yrs now. I asked if he ever felt this way about someone besides me and he said yes the one I served divorce papers too. Within in a month and a half of dating she had a ring on her finger but not by his doing. He tried to make it work for nine and a half years. She cheated on him alot is what he tells me.
I am sorry this is so long but I am praying someone can explain some insight to me? I suffer from a history I have not dealt with and he has told me this. I have never loved someone like I do him! I am almost 40. He is 37. We are meant for each other! My gut knows this. I always have seen the ending before the beginning with others but with him I could not! He knows this! He always got me to open up. He said he is the one... WHY did he walk away? He did say to me when breaking up he was done and that we would never talk again. Then later retracted and said down the road I could call and he would answer. Well I text him that evening as we passed each other, I finally told him I love him! That was the first time ever and yes by text. He later replied in small chat. I then called and he did pick up right away... We talked an hour. Is this really over? Can someone with PTSD understand this? Explain to me? Anyone?
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