Childhood For Want Of A Photograph...

[bring em all in]

Quotes from Robin Williams as the character Sy in the movie One Hour Photo:

1. “When people's houses are on fire, what's the first thing they save after their pets and loved ones are safe? The family photos.

2. "Family photos depict smiling faces... births, weddings, holidays, children's birthday parties. People take pictures of the happy moments in their lives. Someone looking through our photo album would conclude that we had led a joyous, leisurely existence free of tragedy. NO ONE EVER TAKES A PHOTOGRAPH OF SOMETHING THEY WANT TO FORGET."

3."New parents go photo crazy."

4."And if these pictures have anything important to say to future generations, it's this: I was here. I existed.... and someone cared enough about me in this world to take my picture.”

There are NO PICTURES of me before the world had to cart me into an operating room (at around three to four months of age) to begin the excruciating but futile process of trying to fix my cleft lip and palate to make my appearance socially acceptable. But at least they successfully repaired a baby so broken and deformed that he could not properly take in enough nourishment.

The fact that there are NO BABY PICTURES of me makes me VERY sad and angry, and talking in therapy and journaling about this has not taken the torment out of this truth. I get misty-eyed as I want to see that boy as he came into the world, to know that he was acceptable and valued enough as he was, valued enough to be photographed. I want to look upon him with love and acceptance- and then maybe able to do the same for my adult self now.

Maybe it's wishful thinking, but I think if I could see myself as that baby I could learn to accept all the traumatic surgeries (including one with the anesthetic not working properly) I endured up to the age of 16, the embarrassment of being pulled out of class for speech therapy, the severe bullying I endured as a student and then as a teacher, painful orthodontal interventions, a lifetime of sinus trouble and hearing difficulties, and the stories from my mom about how nurses in those days didn't dare leave a mother alone in a room with a newborn cleft lip/palate baby for fear that she'd harm him.

She told me was I was young that doctors think maternal smoking during pregnancy increases the risk of having a baby with a cleft lip and palate, but she denied that as the cause.

She told me to "forget what the kids at school say" and that "In India being born with a cleft lip and palate is a sign you are special and destined for great things. I knew it was a false claim at the time. Now, via the wonders of the Internet, I learned that "almost all parents in this cohort of India blamed the
birth of a CLP child on a curse or an act of evil spirits and similarly, retribution for past sins."

Lovely.

And the effects of being born with a cleft lip/palate is but one of the causes of my PTSD.

Today I had my most severe and longest episode of verbal raging and violence against objects (almost broke a sink top and nearly punched a hole in a wall). Scared my wife and me very much.

Talking, crying, raging- nothing resolves my feelings on this issue, and today has been a most difficult day indeed.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

You don't need to use trigger warnings here on this forum.

There are very little pictures of me as a child the few there are were taken by people other than my parents. Sometimes I feel quite happy sad about that. It not really the same as what you've experienced. But I truly feel for you.

:hug:s if you accept them.

 

[GrayOwl]

I hope your day goes better.
I too am sorry that society judges and is insensitive.
Honesty, integrity, and compassion matter.
What speaks from the heart matters.
It is truly sad when people are insensitive and lack understanding.
I think you have many important gifts, even if society does not recognize them,
or you don't feel them at the moment..
Prayers for peace and serenity.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Baby pictures have done nothing for my healing personally. My dad has most of them and gave them to me as an adult. I had saved a few before their divorce that didn't get distroyed.

My mom had one. It was a full body nude picture. She would take it out as an often reminder of why I was on this planet. Why they allowed fully body nude photos in '81 is beyond me.

She had baby pictures of my brother. Many of them. And the famous one of him peeing in the air that I showed his girlfriends as a teenager.

But today they don't help me at all. I feel nothing at the baby pictures. I was a 4 pound preemie and my mom often told me I was supposed to have been an abortion but that my dad wouldn't let her. But then why she had me in a hospital incubator for a month and cared for me is also beyond me. Unless she had to.

Pictures at 2, 3, 4 up to 5 or 6 make me angry. 6 and older make me feel hatred at the girl in the photo.

I think what makes me sad is the fact that my dad had all of them and my mom had only one. A nude one, of a newborn....

I don't know, pictures are a funny thing. You may gain healing from them but they may bring out other emotions. But you don't have to have them exist when they don't to heal. If that makes sense.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((bring em all in)))
I am SO SORRY that your life has been so painful, in many more ways than one! :hug:
It's hard to deal with something so deep, and ingrained inside the "self" that you are. Bullying and teasing changes who we are, just like other kinds of abuse.

Very possibly your mother's guilt kept her from taking pictures. The doctors even verbalized that your cleft palate was quite likely her fault. They were GUESSING but laid that on her anyway. MANY children are born with the same problem, and the mother didn't smoke. Guilt is a VERY destructive emotion. As a result, she probably felt shame. Even though your appearance may not have been very severe, her guilt and shame were undoubtedly severe.

I speak from experience. My second child, a little girl, was born with severe brain damage. It was VERY obvious to ANYONE. Her eyes couldn't focus, she had no muscle tone, so was very "floppy" and she had no control of her head. From the first moment I saw her, the word "guilt" rang in my head ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! I thought she was ugly... she WASN'T but what I felt was VERY UGLY. It clouded my vision. I carried that for MANY years...I saw her as God's punishment of ME, EVERY TIME I looked at her." Also, back then, babies with problems weren't always talked about. My family didn't know what to say. I didn't even know what to say...the doctors and nurses didn't know what to say.

I know now, that God wasn't punishing me, or her, but at the time, FEELINGS ruled my life. There were several causes of her problems, and I now believe that she was born PERFECTLY, in God's eyes. She was my angel, and taught me MORE than I can EVER convey, without her ever saying one word. She lived until she was eleven.

As I read your story, it sounds like there ARE pictures of you from AFTER your first surgery? Forgive me if I am wrong. By then, she was moving forward into acceptance?

The first few months are a blur with a newborn, and even more so, when the baby is born with problems. You also had feeding problems as well? The combination must have been horribly painful and emotionally draining for your mom.

I don't have pictures of my little girl until she was several months old. Back then (1982) we used regular cameras, and I would end up with collections of film cartridges to be developed. When I finally got 10-15 developed, 10 years had gone by!?!?

I know none of this will help... but I hope that maybe it will help you realize that your first few months of life, were most likely a blur to your parents, and pictures may have been the last thing on her mind?

About your rage...is it possible to get some kind of punching bag? Something that you can safely hit that is not dangerous or could cause expensive property damage? When you feel your heart start pounding, and your adrenaline is pumping....find something to let off that angry energy?

When I was in the psych unit, I found that it helped to punch on a punching bag...with gloves.

Finding an outlet or a way of diffusing that angry energy is VITAL right now, before something else happens that is worse than being afraid.

I apologize for the length and wordy response, but I haven't found a way to condense even part of our story...

I hope that even a few of my thoughts help...

Blessings and Peace to you!
AKJ :hug:

 

[7Cs]

1. “When people's houses are on fire, what's the first thing they save after their pets and loved ones are safe? The family photos.

When I worked in fire restoration I always tried to save the photos 1st.

 

[Friday]

My brother and I don't have baby pics younger than about 6mo. In both cases, my mom was just busy. With me, first kid = Holy f*cking Shit people weren't joking about the no-sleep thing! With my brother (youngest) she was past master at all of the >.< of new babies, but he had medical problems, which meant that for the first several months she was half out of her mind trying to take care of him and wrangle all of the rest of us. Also, it was the 80s, when pictures were expensive, and we were poor. So there aren't a lot of pictures to begin with. And any time there was a lot of stress? Rather less.

I wanted to be a photographer when I was little... But my mom moved heaven & earth to dissuade me. Totally loving / not-abusive family, it was just outside of our budget. Not that I found out that was the reason until I was grown up. My mom was also past master at never making us feel poor. LOL. So instead she resorted to telling me I'd have to photograph crocodiles if I wanted to work for national geographic. I've always had a thing against crocodiles. She DID get me a camera for Christmas one year, but at $30 a roll for film (buying & developing) that I had to pay for myself? And most of the pictures coming out NOT how I wanted them in my head? (Aka magazine wow). That passion withered on the vine until my 20s, and a journalist threw me his camera on the zodiac I was going out on in a disaster zone, and said point & shoot, anything I could get! Please?!? Sure. Why not? OMFG. Fell in love with photography all over again. Until a few years ago I've had at least one, if not more, cameras attached to my body at almost all times.

I DO take pictures of things I want to forget. My son crying his eyes out, curled up in a corner the first time his dad hurt him? That was on film. The times he was sick and in the hospital, ditto. Maybe because my first time getting to play with a real camera was chest deep in sewage, rubble, bodies, and gorgeous freaking moments in almost equal quantity. Maybe I'm just demented. But a story is never complete with just the good or the bad. There's always both. The good, the bad, the ugly, the stunning. All of it. Mine.

I had over 30,000 photos of my son... From birth onward. Until Age10. When my cameras were smashed and my photos (and backup drives) were all stolen. I haven't really used a camera, since. So I have virtually no pictures of my favorite person on the entire planet. Someone I love more than life itself. Either from before or after.

I don't know your mom, or your family, or why they chose to do things the way they did. I'm not trying to justify anything they did. I just know in my own life, those movie quotes are wrong.

 

[joeylittle]

I hear you, @bring em all in. There were not many photographs of me, just because there wasn't enough money for it. By the time there was, I mostly hid from the thing.

But there's one photo that is very important to me, because it was taken on a day that turned out to be a terrible day - but before it turned terrible, it was the last time I got to be purely happy. That picture makes me incredibly sad, now. But it also gives me a way of seeing that I was capable once of being happy and confident.

I am sorry there isn't anything you can look at that will give you a connection to your self from those early months.

Is there an object of some kind? Even your birth certificate, maybe. When I read your post I hear you looking for some proof that you did actually exist - I know that sounds odd because of course you must know you existed....but you are looking for a tangible thing from that time. It might be worth gathering any other things you can, and seeing if they help at all.

Thinking of you.

 

[bring em all in]

I thank everyone for their words of support and additional perspectives. There are many baby pictures of my sister, but I guess the issues involved in my deformity may have overwhelmed my parents. Both of my parents were adult children of alcoholics, so it's amazing that they did as well as parents as they did. I never doubted that they loved me- they made that plain, which makes me feel stupid that the baby picture issues sets me off so badly. Who knows, maybe if there was a baby picture of me I would look at it and be disgusted- my core beliefs and inner critic could quite possibly steer me in that direction.

I'm looking into the price of a punching bag- I think it would help.

Either way, there's no way to go back in time. I have to learn to make peace with my past. It's been a long road already (24 years in therapy and working with a psychiatrist) but I started working with a new therapist last week and see her again this Wednesday- and I have this wonderful community of support!

I hope that over time I can be supportive and helpful to you all!

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I am glad that your parents made their love for you very plain and obvious. Don't feel stupid...I know that's easy to say...but truly you have a valid point. I think that I would probably struggle as you do.

Loving ourselves is so much harder than I would ever have thought. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just "get past" the things in our childhoods that keep us from letting hurt go? Society makes it difficult to accept ourselves no matter what. Bullying and teasing eats away at our psyche, and our self-esteem. Keep working on yourself, because you deserve to be able to put the past in a place where it doesn't rise up to mess with your present and future. Notice I didn't say "get over"...that doesn't happen...but you CAN learn to manage the thoughts when they do come up. The experiences and feelings are "etched" on our brain...quite literally.

I hope you can find a reasonably priced punching bag. Do you have Craigslist where you are? It's a good place to possibly find one. Using it frequently, especially when the negative thoughts come up. Picturing some trigger, or visualization of your pain, would help you punch away at the "right" feelings.

Best of luck, peace, and wellness!
AKJ

 

[bring em all in]

Thank you, Angelkeeper!

Yes, I do feel those core beliefs etched in stone. I can recite the affirmations, verbalize alternate beliefs that my mind can accept as true, but my heart just can't accept them. If I could change it I would. All strategies and attempts are seen through the prism of my core beliefs as the proverbial "putting lipstick on a pig." But I'm not giving up.

If there is any good that has come from my past traumatic experiences, at least it has helped shape me as a compassionate person. That's about the ONLY good thing I can say about myself, but for now it has to be enough.

 

[katz]

Quotes from Robin Williams as the character Sy in the movie One Hour Photo:

1. “When peopl...

On the flip side--I have many pictures of my child hood. I can see myself as angry and hurt and upset-all the time. I also feel the sadness you have for "that child" and all the torment and pain they went thru.

Have you tried writing a letter/note to this "little you"? I wrote a letter to mine and told her how she will always be loved for who she is and not what she became or was made into. I explained to her that she was perfect when she was born, just the way she was.

I hope that this letter to the "little you" will help you with your pain and feelings of non-love and non-acceptance. (if this is what you feel) Hugs to you for support and encouragement.