Forgiveness With Ptsd, Is It Even Possible?

[william]

Some of you know me here, some of you know me on face book using my middle name.
I have been through the ringer this past year, fellas. My Dad died in December. ! yr. and one month ago I tried to take my own life, and it all focused around my family.( My wife is bipolar an many things happened last year to drive me crazy.) wmr2
Right now I'm sitting on the possibility of a divorce, unless someone has some major wisdom for me.

My wife tried to cheat on me from May 2011 until august of 2012. She almost had it accomplished, and may have, although she says no. My point is, when we have spats I seem to be an un-tamable animal and bring the past in her face. The last few days I will use as an example. I Got up and cursed not at anyone just cursing because I had to get up. Got some things going. I made lunch for the children got annoyed with something and started spatting off vulgar words, then I calmed down and my wife talked to me about it. She of course already has issues of self loathing without my help. Yesterday was basically the same thing, then this morning, I got up and said shit, and she started, well I guess we are going to have another bad day to which I replied, quit your whining, and shut the f*** up. Of course she was offended, and so I went off the deep end telling her she had no respect for me, and saying all kind of crap until my wife and I ended up having the following discourse using Facebook messenger.

• Today
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  7:44am
  
  
  I should be able to tell you not to swear if I NEED to. It doesn't mean I'm starting in on you. You have got me to the point no where I am AFRAID to say anything to you because of your nasty & unpredictable actions. This is going to be our 3rd DAY with you waking up and swearing all over the house. Are you happy?
  Because I WANT to be, but I'm not. A wife shouldn't have to be afraid of her husband. And in my case, it isn't a fear that you would HIT me. It's a fear that you'll switch into HATE mode, just like you did this morning, and call me every name in the book and just about spit in my face with the venom and I'm supposed to just take it. You don't treat your grandfather that way and you don't even treat the kids that way, although you yell at them to. You don't love me. You HATE me.
  Because that's exactly what your actions show.
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  7:53am
  
  
  I HAVE NO ANSWER FOR YOU!
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  8:00am
  
  
  I should have known. Only my mother has ever hurt me as much as you have, deliberately, when I open my mouth and someone don't automatically know that you are in pain. Locking me out of the house when it's cold? THat's all the answer I need. I won't say a damn thing to you because I'm tired of you getting this way and me begging and pleading for you to love me when you have your PTSD tangents. I apologized to you. I don't deserve your hate however.
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  8:05am
  
  
  Comparing me to your mother, has completely done it for me. You had a key, and I never attempted to f*ck around on you. I am sick of you being able to tell me like it is, but i can't tell you. Well since I'm your mom, her it is charlatan. You tried to have a physical affair on me. YOu say you are sorry and it is over, but when I have a moment of problems you have a fit.
  You say you didn't want physical sex, but you were making plans for it right in fron of me, including getting a brazilian wax. YOu want PTSD HER IT ISA
  .
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  8:19am
  
  
  I am furthermore, tired of you resenting me for standing in the way of your fun, so you couldn't go to lester. I won't be resented like this any longer. So go hav your fun with who ever you want. Go have a f*ck party for all I can, but when you do, don't come back PLEASE!, Just stay with your boyfriend/girlfriend, and have enough respect for the children not to take them around him or her.

I am trying not to act this way, but I cannot get past the fact, that she tried to cheat on my, and that I thought all of our family problems were my fault, and no one really stopped me from trying to end it. I really have trouble with this, and if I don't find a way to get over it I will likely loose my family.

Any advice is welcomed.

 

[Ned]

First thing, hello mate. Glad you're still ticking, so to speak. Very sorry to hear about your Dad, I know what a complex blow that can be.
Anyway, all heard. I'm sure others who know you will reply soon. Me, I'm going to engage brain before I offer any 'advice'.
Ned.

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey William buddy,

Glad your still around. I was concerned for a while about the destructive path you were on. Glad you came out the other side.

Talk about a flash back though. I was going through the early phases of recovery when my dad died. The hardest part for me and still is, is the grieving part as all my emotions are still bottled up inside. The only one I knew for a very long time was 'ANGER'.

Your relationship also sounds exactly how mine was heading. My wife and kids used to tread on eggshells every single morning. Scared to even breath the wrong way. And of course nobody could speak to me without me getting on the defensive. I was always remorseful after the blow up, but the damage was being done.

For god sake mate, go and see somebody. It's not too late. Show your wife this if you have to. She obviously loves you to still be there.

You sound like you need to do an anger management course of all things and some couples counselling. One before the other or else you won't be able to tolerate any comments made about you.

Will buddy, you have a very thick skin or else you would not still be around, so do yourself and the family a favor and get some help.

Your wrong with one regard though. It's not your fault. Now after you have done the anger management, and after you have given it some time, then judge yourself. For now, just ask your wife to walk away from any heated moments, but promise yourself.

You see, if you want to save your marriage and your family life, you have to do whatever it takes, and you wife has to be prepared too. If your either of you are not willing, you might as well walk away now while there is still some civility there. Other wise and it still might be the case now, the damage might be done.

Sorry for being honest, but you have a chance mate. Ask your wife if she is willing and go get help.

Cheers good friend.

James

 

[Anglesachse]

Shit place to be Will. Sorry to hear it, but I have been there.

From what I can read from her 0744 post she is trying to comunicate with you, but your Beast is f*cking her off.

Not a good place to be.

I was like you have explained yourself to be for years. And I gave my misses every reason in the world she could ever have wanted to find solace with someone else.

When she did, I went into an even more perverse destruct mode than before. That is when my world imploded and ended with me in a tree. I never understood why she cut me down and had me admitted to a secure clinic. She could have been done with me and moved on with her life.

Looking back, I can see she still loved me, but couldn`t live with me in the state I was in. And I don`t hold it against her that she found someone else who would give her what I was destroying.

Imho, I pushed her so far untill she had nowhere else to turn, nowhere else to hide from me, and no one to talk to. Me and my actions made her go to another bloke.

Wierdly enough she has more problmes today with the decision she made than I do. Yes we are back together. And it has been a hard long road for both of us, a road on which we still learn from each other, and learn together on a daily basis.

But she was only willing to make the effort once she saw that I was willing to get help. And I don`t mean a group, or the odd appointment with some doc or dept.
I admitted I was f*cked up, was wrong 9 times out of 10, was looking for a way out. I spent 9 months in clinics followed by an outpatients program, and allmost 3 years Therapy once a week.

Only when the clinic and outpatients program finished did she even let me back in to the house as a "Friend" it still took months for us to get close again. And all the time me accepting her terms.

Today I still have my days, just like you do. And she will still tell me "Get a f*cking Grip" when I loose the plot. There are times I will call her all the names under the sun. But today we both know why. PTSD is not an excuse that I use, but we have learnt together what is good, what isn`t and most importantly how to talk to each other with out yelling, and getting abusive.

It`s been a hard f*cked up long road, and I still get a flat once in a while. But we are getting there. But you need to make the most amount of effort you can, and ask her to escort you on the trip. Once she starts learning and you start getting a grip, you will find life is worth living together.

Got the feeling I am rambling now..............

Tuppence

 

[william]

I am going to go back to psych. I have been trying to avoid this as they love to pump me full of meds, but I just don't see any way around it, as the natural remedies are not working right now. Maybe a joint and a good bottle of whiskey,but I have the kids to think about, and the meds I want to avoid give the same thing. I will deffinately seek out anger management, and if she is willling some kind of couple's counceling, but if not, I ill continue for myself.
Thanks James

 

[nomedic1]

Good luck William it's a rough road but we are here no matter what.

 

[Ned]

Make damn sure that you explain to them that it's not (just) meds you want. I may be teaching you to suck eggs but write it all up before you see them. Good luck, mate. Keep in touch and let us know how it's going.

 

[reddevil1111]

William, Everything said so far is what's needed. I ended in divorce recently and my marriage sounded a lot like yours. It takes two people to be married. She has to want to change as well. And like the others said, it is anything but easy to come back from the edge of a ruined marriage.
Do this, go to the therapy for you not for her. Fix yourself for the right reasons. Do the marriage therapy with her for the sake of the marriage but go on your own for your own therapy or the marriage part will drive you nuts. Good luck with it all. I really hope you pull through.

 

[william]

Thanks everyone.

 

[Sass]

Hello William, you sound very similar to my husband, so I am speaking from the perspective of the partner. It sounds like a horrible situation for you both with so may compexities. Your current inability to move past your wife's real or planned infidelity may be a diversion from you dealing with your own problem. Getting treatment for yourself has to be your number one priority as is getting healthy the number one priority for your wife. Whilst I support my husband absolutely, I take care of myself first - I cannot help him unless I am in a good place. Your wife will be grateful to see you taking steps to help yourself. It may be worth talking with her when you are feeling calm and clear headed, just be sure that she is calm too! Good luck with everything, I truly know how shitful this can be. Bandi

 

[reddevil1111]

Just curious Bandicoot are you a combat vet with PTSD or are you a spouse of a combat vet with PTSD?