General Forgiveness

[Mrs. T]

I'm finding myself pushing ppl away because they just dont understand my husband. How can I blame them though? It took me a long time to understand him myself, but had such determination to do so (because I love him). He carries himself like nothing is wrong, but inside he is dealing with most, if not all, ptsd symptoms on a daily bases. as a result, sometimes he says stupid things when he is trying to act normal while his ptsd is bad on the inside. Ppl, of course, find him hard to understand at times.
I'm becoming bitter towards ppl, because of this.

Then there are the many ppl who have done aweful things to my husband when he was a child. And the man who raped my mentally disabled brother and the horrible justice system that is handling it slow and poorly...letting this man free to rape more ppl while we all wait for him to be locked up (or will he walk free like the last time he did this?).

My husband is an amazing man and I admire him more then anyone. He's the one who pointed out why ppl don't understand him at times. He's the one trying to teach me to forgive and let go of the hurtful things ppl have said and done.

So here is the lesson I am trying to learn and live by: hate is easier then forgiveness, but takes a lot more energy. hate breaks down your body's physical health. Hate if harmful to the person hating more then the person they hate. I reckon forgiveness is the most valuable lesson for a longer, healthier and happier life. If I can master this lesson, I believe I can achieve great things...

Just thought I'd share my struggles and ponderings of lately.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Mrs. T,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. There is an entire section for Supporters who have a family member with PTSD. There is a lot of information there; but most importantly, Supporters also need support for themselves.

Take care and I hope you find being here helpful.

Debbie

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Mrs. T- oh my goodness how I went through that very same thing with my ex-husband. My husband was quite misunderstood after trauma. It impacted some of my closes friendships, of which I no longer maintain. It was just too difficult to have my friends dislike my husband for the remarks that he made which were not ever intended to be offensive, but often came across wrong because he simply didn't know how to express his thoughts in any other way. I understood it, but it takes compassion to understand it. That is something that is lacking in a lot of people these days.

Forgiveness is hard. It is the willingness to accept the things you can not change. Forgiveness is also not the same thing as forgetting. To forget, that is impossible. Forgiveness is what you say above though, it is letting go of the hate. It does not mean welcoming them back, it only means that you are able to heal yourself for the sake of yourself.

I love your post. Hugs to you and thank you for sharing your thoughts.

 

[IvyMillie]

I admire you for working on forgiveness. I agree that it is the best way to live though. It's not always easy--mostly it's not easy. I think this is true if you've been through abuse at the hands of someone in particular.

What does help me a bit is to be understanding I guess. I think that when I understand why someone did things, it does help me a bit. For example I've had to do that my whole life as my mom has mental illness and my childhood had some serious defects--but really she couldn't help it. She is handicapped because of her illness. So sometimes knowing that persons background and why they acted that way helps to see and understand which helps forgiveness. People also do many things out of ignorance.

Another thing that helps me is that Matt 6:14 shows that if we forgive others we will be forgiven. I try to remember that there are things I have done to other people that weren't intentional, but I know I hurt them. I have things that I'm sorry about in my personality. I'm not so perfect either.

Additionally what helps me is to keep in mind that "you reap what you sow", so a person who has problems in some way in their own life they are having to deal with the consequences of that. We may not be able to see it, but they will face consequences. I don't mean this in an entirely mean way, just a realistic way.

As with your husband and people not understanding it is usually because they lack sympathy and empathy. I think these qualities are sorely lacking in today's world. It seems to me that people are so self absorbed that they don't bother to feel for anyone else. Some people I think can barely survive their own life and they don't have the emotional capacity to be open to anyone else. Also, this world hardens people--watch the news too much and there's just so much badness overload that you just can't handle it all. I got that way after watching Katrina on the news I just got sad overload.

I too though haven't achieved the ideal of perfect forgiveness for things. I call it a work in progress. Like you I'm working on it. I want to have an open loving heart. I think it's a better way to live as you do.