AngelKeeperJ
Sponsor
I am almost in disbelief that I've passed the 4 month mark of not smoking pot. Being with my most precious Father's side as he passed away could have sent me right back to my 'crutch' of many years.
Even though I have almost daily flashbacks of being with him as they tried to save him; I'm keeping it together WITHOUT pot!! Truly it is more than I thought I was capable of.
I am processing my feelings, whether through tears, prayers, and hiding in sleep. Having the flu for a week helped as I was delirious for a couple days. :)
My brother said some horrible things, and I called him in a panic attack 3 weeks later. It was that or self-injure or worse. All he could text back later was "I truely love you _____ ". Neither brother has called me yet I still stay strong. After all they never called before. Yet, they go to church religiously. (Going to church does not make you a Christian, any more than being in a garage makes you a car) I really try not to judge them...it is hard...I am human.
I wrote all my feelings out in a letter with the intention of sending it, but have decided for now to keep it to myself. If I ever do decide to let him read it, it will be in my presence and torn up immediately. It helped SO much just to write it.
AND...as most of you know...I believe in a Higher Power, whom I call God, Jesus, The Messiah, and my King.
That being said; I found the strength to leave a church that gave me NO nourishment whatsoever, and find one that fills my soul with gladness and joy. It is hard to 'church-shop', and risk meeting new people.
I found a 'new' church with recommendations. I attended once, and found out that my parents and I knew him, the Pastor from back in the 70's! The service (just before Christmas) was a dramatic presentation of the night Jesus was born, from the perspective of the Inn Keeper. It was captivating. After the service, I approached the performer, and he clasped his hands around mine. He said whenever he looked at me, he felt "energy". I left that service elated, and 'filled up'!
Six days later, my Dad had his heart attack. As I 'flew' to the hospital as fast as I could (angels watched over me for sure), that Pastor called just to thank me for attending the service. I was crying, and asked him to come to the hospital because my Dad was dying. He came within minutes, at almost the same time as a Pastor from Dad's church arrived.
They were both there to pray with me as we surrounded Dad's 'empty' body, and to hold me up when I realized what had just happened. It is this, and other experiences, too many to tell here, that have convinced me that there IS a Higher Power, through Whom I am blessed and loved by. I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything...I am telling my story.
I had stayed at the other church because I loved the PEOPLE. I finally realized that I always left with the feelings that "I was not ENOUGH". That is not what I needed, or what I believe a church should be. If it doesn't lift my soul, and fill me with wonder at the beautiful world created, then it is not for me.
So, at this point, I'm still grieving the loss of my Dad's earthly presence, but know, it will get easier, as it got easier when I lost my daughter. Not really easy by any description, but easier to bear. They will have no more pain or sorrow, and are rejoicing together with my Lord.
Thanks for taking the time to read. I appreciate any and all thoughts!
Sincerely, with Agape Love,
AKJ
Even though I have almost daily flashbacks of being with him as they tried to save him; I'm keeping it together WITHOUT pot!! Truly it is more than I thought I was capable of.
I am processing my feelings, whether through tears, prayers, and hiding in sleep. Having the flu for a week helped as I was delirious for a couple days. :)
My brother said some horrible things, and I called him in a panic attack 3 weeks later. It was that or self-injure or worse. All he could text back later was "I truely love you _____ ". Neither brother has called me yet I still stay strong. After all they never called before. Yet, they go to church religiously. (Going to church does not make you a Christian, any more than being in a garage makes you a car) I really try not to judge them...it is hard...I am human.
I wrote all my feelings out in a letter with the intention of sending it, but have decided for now to keep it to myself. If I ever do decide to let him read it, it will be in my presence and torn up immediately. It helped SO much just to write it.
AND...as most of you know...I believe in a Higher Power, whom I call God, Jesus, The Messiah, and my King.
That being said; I found the strength to leave a church that gave me NO nourishment whatsoever, and find one that fills my soul with gladness and joy. It is hard to 'church-shop', and risk meeting new people.
I found a 'new' church with recommendations. I attended once, and found out that my parents and I knew him, the Pastor from back in the 70's! The service (just before Christmas) was a dramatic presentation of the night Jesus was born, from the perspective of the Inn Keeper. It was captivating. After the service, I approached the performer, and he clasped his hands around mine. He said whenever he looked at me, he felt "energy". I left that service elated, and 'filled up'!
Six days later, my Dad had his heart attack. As I 'flew' to the hospital as fast as I could (angels watched over me for sure), that Pastor called just to thank me for attending the service. I was crying, and asked him to come to the hospital because my Dad was dying. He came within minutes, at almost the same time as a Pastor from Dad's church arrived.
They were both there to pray with me as we surrounded Dad's 'empty' body, and to hold me up when I realized what had just happened. It is this, and other experiences, too many to tell here, that have convinced me that there IS a Higher Power, through Whom I am blessed and loved by. I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything...I am telling my story.
I had stayed at the other church because I loved the PEOPLE. I finally realized that I always left with the feelings that "I was not ENOUGH". That is not what I needed, or what I believe a church should be. If it doesn't lift my soul, and fill me with wonder at the beautiful world created, then it is not for me.
So, at this point, I'm still grieving the loss of my Dad's earthly presence, but know, it will get easier, as it got easier when I lost my daughter. Not really easy by any description, but easier to bear. They will have no more pain or sorrow, and are rejoicing together with my Lord.
Thanks for taking the time to read. I appreciate any and all thoughts!
Sincerely, with Agape Love,
AKJ
