Sufferer Fragile today and new. childhood trauma, csa, dv.

[AngelKeeperJ]

I am SOOOO GLAD that your SWEETHEART is back!!! What a difference it makes!!!

(I am happily divorced for 23 year now, after 4 failed marriages...I quit. :tup: I choose wrong. I am content.)

You are SO insightful about a LOT! There should be NO SHAME in being unwell, but we sure got that message didn't we? And there is MUCH wisdom in realizing that because of your LOVE for your Honey, you "wear" his symptoms, also. But you stay together for the right reasons and I think having that live is worthy not having visitors. ( I am SOOOO not dismissing how the STUFF makes you feel. And I TRULY understand how it affects your everyday life.)

I boarder being a hoarder... I know how it feels to not want anyone to come visit. I just have WAY TOO much stuff! Less than my parents... But I still collect too much!

Shame is so pervasive! It can "leak" into EVERY part of our lives!

I am glad that you DO have love that is REAL and SWEET, because THAT is what is most important if you are blessed enough to find it!

I learned that, for me anyway, managing my symptoms (mostly major depression) will be more attainable than expecting it to go away. It's become part of who I am.

I admire your ability to have goals (and talent) which help with refusing to give up or give in! In my opinion, the success is in refusing to give up!

I am really glad you found this site!!!
AKJ

 

[mumstheword]

I am SOOOO GLAD that your SWEETHEART is back!!! What a difference it makes!!!

(I am happily di...

You are right :-) i am sooooo blessed to have this love and mutually beneficial relationship. :-)

I am going to make a little more space for myself to grow my life, my health and my connections with my children by getting a room at my uni's accommodation soon though.

This place is killing me by tiny increments.

Mostly because of the negative, ghettoey addict and violence addled neighborhood I find myself in. I chose to cut out drug-taking and abusive relationships but I'm still surrounded by that sort of thing and it's wearing me down.


Just for sometimes, not all the time, i will live here part-time. I knew it was hard on me, living back.in the town where I went through so much utter hell but until my.honey went away, I didn't realize just how unwell it was making me.

So I'm making a proactive plan to build on the strengths in my life that give me health, growth and a sense of safety.

Until I started university, I'd never experienced the sense of safety, upliftment and empowerment that that kind of atmosphere can give. I need to immerse myself in that progressive environment,.because that reflects me!

This place triggers me so badly, constantly. I grew up with a "hippy" mother who was chronically abusive, histrionic and neglectful, this town is a "hippy" drug users and people-in-denial-of-their-disordered-lives meca.

I had am amazing day yesterday, in the town next to this one, where my uni and social supports are.

Today I am back to feeling so stifled, depleted and contracted by my environment.

I am so sensitive and empathetic.

My goal is to move out into the bush and live an off-the grid, sustainable lifestyle and share it with the world through web based mediums.

I also want to start a band just for fun, healing and self expression.

I am sorry to read that you still suffer from chronic depression Angelkeeper. I understand though, how life can do that to us. You sound like a sensitive, empathetic, kind sweetheart that's had too much grief, hardship, heartbreak and dissapointment in life.

I wish, for you, peace, lots of self-love and grace and beauty, kindness, compassion and fulfillment. You are a lovely, kind online friend already and my heart aches for you and what you have had to suffer through. You deserve so much more.

I want you to feel loved, valued and appreciated, because I sure do appreciate you and this connection, and know you are utterly entitled to that and more.

Take care, sweet friend and thank you for your kindness, wisdom, friendship and valuable time that you share with me :-).

 

[mumstheword]

I am struggling with how dark-grey foggy my brain/mind is. Memory has been shocking as long as I can remember (which I can't very well). My brain/mind/emotions-endocrine system doesn't want me to poke around too much back there.

I can remember so many times when.I thought " I just want to get as far away as I can from what's been happening".

Craving some space and time and distance and the balm of forgetfulness to carry me away from the unspeakable horror of what I lived through, day in day out, for so many years, years and years and years.

Like living in a dungeon, being forced to have sex with your captor, being made pregnant, time and time again, to your captor. Having to alternate between being frozen in shock and horror and unbelievable emotional pain, physical pain, terrible life-threatening illnesses (no medical care) being.punished and shamed for being so ill, being screamed at that "you're crazy! you're crazy your crazy!!!!" right up in my face, for hours on and and all at the same time, having to care for more and more children and babies ...
included an autistic one (failure to thrive baby, chronic reflux, bad burning at 2, near drowning 2.5 - when on a very rare occasion we were in a recording session and he was being "cared for" air-lifted to hospital, told to get speech pathology and some early intervention, of course captor/father said "no, he's fine).
My first was born in a shed,
my second in a cold bush bathroom, in freezing winter (it snowed there the next day) in coldish luke-warm water, no body checked to see if the water was being kept warm,(one good thing, I had them all in water, it was mostly nice) it wasn't, after 3 days and nights of labour, no care in labour, one of the labouring days I had to wash mountains of clothes, after non stop night work as a singer, my hair caught fire while I was labouring, he was a tiny sicky nearly-died baby.

My third baby (first girl) was born in a car park (we lived in our vehicle, in a car park for 3 yrs,

my 4th was born in a camping ground car park,

my fifth in a tiny bush shack way away in the bush,

my sixth (second daughter) in a tumble down bush house,

my seventh in this "hippy" town where pretty much everyone is too stoned to care, or my ex (charming, sociopathic) is treated as a drug lord hero/medicalcannabis crusader.

I tried to fake ok and happy for my kids, not too successful though. Now I can't fake anything anymore.