Frequent Comparisons To The Successful And Famous

[Lifetraveller]

Hello All,

I have not been formally diagnosed with PTSD. However, I suspect I have a number of symptoms in part because of abuse (physical and verbal, not sexual) that I suffered from my mother.

Can you please help me see the link between this part of my experience and the fact that when I watch TV (which is about two hours per day), I find that I feel like a loser because I'm not the leader of a social justice movement, for example. This isn't wanting to be rich and famous like Donald Trump, or, I don't know, Brad Pitt. It's feeling like a loser because I don't feel like I'm leaving enough of a legacy of helping others. Then I end up trying to find a criticism of individuals who have done so (today it was Maria Callas, of all people after seeing a biography of her) and feeling angry and sad. I also feel like I have to mourn the fact that I was not born into money or talent or whatever, that I was born into mental illness of some sort and that I have to accept that and find ways of continuing.

I know that author and therapist Mike Lew writes that we are changing the world by recovering, but this isn't cutting it for me.

I'm probably not seeing a forest for trees here, but I guess this is the benefit of communicating with others.

Thanks in advance for being yourselves here.

 

[Friday]

Jealousy/Envy? Fear of not being able to do what I want to do with my life? Yes. Very much so.

Intend to be the opposite, and instead of putting others down, am excited about them... But the jealousy/envy/fear? I've worked a lot with.

The most useful aspect of jealousy/envy for me is in helping me figure out what I want. If I can break that down? I've found that I can usually achieve what it is I want. Not always, much less in the exact way I might prefer it / it can take some creative thinking (and also brutal honesty), but to date, anything I want badly enough? I can work towards, incorporating it into my life.

That's where the honesty really comes in.

To use the Social Justice Leader as an example. What do I really want with that? Most basically; the social justice or the leadership? 2 very different things, and the paths to each look different. But either of them or both I can start working on, immediately, in the small scale. However, if it's actually neither social justice, nor leadership, that I want? But adoration, recognition, etc.? Does me no good whatsoever to work on social justice or leadership / I'll be just as unhappy working towards those goals as anything else, if what I really want is adoration & recognition. There are paths to those, as well, but they're not so narrowly confined as if I limited myself to only trying to find/working to inspire it in Social Justice, or as a Leader. Whole worlds of possibilities open up when I'm really, truly, brutally honest with myself.

 

[Killashandra]

If your after a link, look back at how you were abused, from what you've written it sounds like your mother compared you to someone you held respect for like a older brother or sister... or you just weren't good enough. Or something else but I have no Intel on that judgement. Look deeper to find the link, it's not just "yeah I was abused that answers everything" if your serious about feeling better about yourself then look deeper. Seek a therapist for advice. ☺

As for the tv. Well I find myself doing the same thing, sometimes I hate the fact I was born to a horrible uneducated narcissistic mother who abused me and allowed others to abuse me, what would have been so terrible if I had a small fortune... what did I do to deserve this?
I detest some peple on TV they look so happy and wholesome, they make contributions to humanity and I bet thier funeral would be big! It's normal from what I understand to feel like this. We've been conditioned to compare ourselves with these people.

My last suggestion would be if you want to feel like you've let some kind of legacy, then volunteer. That's what I do. When I'm normal and not on a downward spiral of shame rejection depression and anxiety. But choose carefully who you give your time to and what influences thrive there. Frontline volunteering wasn't good for me.. too many triggers from bad sorts of people. So I volunteer with lions now as they just collect money and clean up etc. Not handing out meal packages to the desperate and needy. I commend anyone who can do that without suffering from mental anguish. But I can't.

I hope this helps ☺

 

[Chem Lady]

I find these things are brought out in us from the nurture side of things. Of course our nature comes into play, but usually it's our nature responding to some unfortunate nurture. I, for example, feel the need to take care of everybody and put my own needs the very last. That was how my nature responded to my mother, whose moods could switch in a moment, and who blamed me for any small inconvenience on her part. My siblings went more toward the selfish route while experiencing the same phenomenon.
I read a book about narcissism that said it is very common for children of narcissists to spend their lives helping people. Maybe this is part of your experience. However, it does sound like you want to cut others down and compare yourself to them. I wonder if your parents compared you to others and you were never good enough. It's so hard not to learn those things that are modelled to us.

 

[lonelyone82]

I feel the same way. I put tons of pressure on myself. My last therapist told me I can't handle working an 8 hour shift, and I started crying and said "so I'm just going to be a big loser because all of this bad stuff happened, and that's it?" The therapist wasn't a good one, because she talked about herself her status, and money. She also told me I need to go to University. I think it's because she went to university herself. I already went to college and worked several jobs with higher end companies. It makes me feel bad I can't do that anymore. I really want to be feeling like I have more value.
I was at church last week doing something in the kitchen, and I talked to someone about my past travels and ambition". I stopped and asked "why am I so unaccomplished now?" I told two people I spent all of my life in my 20's, and am going to die soon. (It was a bit dramatic). I've just been having really bad physical illness lately and don't feel well.
Someone spoke to me about it and said they would be really upset if I died, and how they just lost two other people and it would be awful. I thought they were mad at me at first, but then I realized despite my job or what I'm doing my life still matters to some people. I might be my own worst critic. Maybe an upbringing that is based on not being good enough makes a person seek more in the world. More recognition, validation or other things to feel good enough, but it never satisfies.

I want to give myself a break.

I really need to meditate on this. I'm so hard on myself. I totally understand what your talking about.

 

[Seasounds]

I find that I have needed to really work through my PTSD to get in touch with what I was passionate about, and ive needed to build skills and confidence, to walk towards fulfillment. Still a work in progress!

 

[Rumors]

Wanting to be productive and pay it forward is better than having the means and doing nothing. Set it as a goal and work towards it. There are several things you can do that require no money but only your time. Red Cross, boys and girls club, food banks.... None of these require much skill type other than just being able to follow directions. Volunteer at a no kill animal shelter.... Lots to do that might lift your spirits.

 

[Casey_03]

I actually don't think this has anything to do with PTSD or childhood abuse. I think this is just a normal behavior of any person who is not satisfied and happy with their current lifestyle. I have done this, I know my non-PTSD friends have all done this -- it's pretty normal. All it means is that you feel stagnant, like you are not developing the way you would like to, and that something needs to change and you need to alter your routine. The cure is action. Take action, do something -- anything. Sign up for a class, start learning a language or learning to play a musical instrument. Do something you wouldn't normally do, like put yourself in a new social situation. I guarantee it will make you feel better.

 

[lonelyone82]

I actually don't think this has anything to do with PTSD or childhood abuse. I think this is just a no...

You could be right, it's just that different situations are more complex than others in life. It's easy to tell someone how to fix everything from your own standpoint, but it's differen't than walking in their shoes.

 

[Casey_03]

@lonelyone82 I certainly wasn't telling anyone how to fix everything from my standpoint, I was telling the poster that what he/she is feeling is normal and not a cause for anxiety. It's something that I think everyone goes through at some point or another and no reason to think there is some pathology behind it. I offered that advice as someone who has been in "their shoes." I'm not sure why you seem to have taken offense.

 

[EveHarrington]

I, too, have troubles pinning this on PTSD/trauma when it's a very common feeling amongst the general public. I caution attempting to find cause/effect relationships rooted in trauma for all things negative in our lives.

OP are you familiar with the DSM PTSD criteria? Curious as you state you're not diagnosed but feel that you have effects of that abuse. It's also important not to jump into "trauma therefore PTSD"
as in the main article now on the homepage. The truth is that trauma can cause many different mental and physical ailments, not just PTSD

 

[LuluStar]

I just want to say that you never see the whole story with these people. They might have money, fame, or accomplish something... but maybe they're also a real nasty creep!

I was reading about this one guy- really rich successful author- spends a lot of time telling people how they should live their lives -- on the flip side he completely abandoned his wife and 3 kids for his mistress. He doesn't even speak to his kids! Wouldn't want to be like him!!

I also knew this one guy who volunteered at non profits for hours and hours EVERY single week. I thought - wow! what an incredible and kind human being! Until... I volunteered with him one day and he was just awful! He made a terrible mess of everything that everyone else had to clean up. On the way home he told me he hates volunteering but if he puts in a lot of hours people give him awards and put his picture in the newspaper. Takes all kinds.