Friend Did It And It Is Not 100% Deterrent.

[OKRADLAK]

My best friend , my support, did this and it made me so unhappy.You would think that would be such a deterrent. But it is not.

I look at the funeral flowers that I had pressed into a frame and say, "You bas*ard. You did it!"and think it should have been me. My friend was happier,smarter, kinder.I wonder, "How did you have the guts? Do you want me to follow? I can't! I won't!"

Yet here I lay with same exact medications and the exact same bottle and the exact same things used by my friend!

I am not going to do it, just to let you know. I would call T. or go to ER if I were at that level, so no worries. But it is maddening.

I see what the aftermath was, the pain for all. So why in heck do I still look at it and say, "Me too."

I know I am having a bad reaction to my T. and am having severe emotional flashbacks, pinned to the bed. How did I even get through the last two days?

I do not understand this dichotomy of wanting to do it and being appalled that I want to. I must be insane.

Oh to have one person in real life to talk to about all this . Just one. But I am glad you all are here. I will be raving the next couple of days till I see T again to see if this is workable or have to start all over or just bolt and run.

 

[The Albatross]

I get this. You're not insane. I had a meltdown when a friend in Oregon who was a neigbor and looking in on my grandfather suicided. He was a Doctor and antesiaologist (sp?). He was a pianist, he was intellingent, and genuine, and caring and an all around great guy. He had an inner turmoil I only touched on the last time I saw him and I remarked to him some concern. I was only home a couple of weeks and they found him home dead in his bed, he o.d'ed on Rx meds.

This was the end, for my grandfather. He lost his will to live. But it also affected me, here's somebody a lot like me, only smarter, professional, successful, creative, talented... and he chose to suicide. If a guy like that could choose to end it and not live life... what friggin' chance did I have? I actually did love him in a grateful, and platonic way. He loved me too but I was committed and wouldn't budge toward anything perceivably inappropriate. Ever. Not my mode.

I beat the heck out of myself wondering if anything would have been different. Not likely if he was depressed, but who can say. His dad wrote me for a while. I never met them but he knew who I was. My grandfather died not 8 months later. He'd say that Chris was supposed to be the last friend in his life, and he'd lost him. It was a nightmare. My husband walked it with me. He knew Chris. He supported me through the loss of someone so very meaningful.

For me it boiled down to a crossroads. I chose to walk differently.

 

[The Albatross]

I absolutely understand the dichotomy of wanting to do it and being appalled by what you want. I use sheer will every day. Every day. I keep hoping I will wake up one day and feel differently. For now though, it's a commitiment, a decision I make.

 

[The Albatross]

Duplicate post but so glad you can speak about this. I really haven't, except in loaded generalities to my spouse.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Albatross, that is soo sad! Yes, it is when anyone does it that hurts awfully but when someone close to yo, u or somewhat like you or someone you think is strong------much worse.

I have known others who were not as close to me. I hear more people commit suicide every year than are murdered. So there are many. I did know one who was a concert pianist, a brilliant man. That was beyond belief.

This friend, though, was my main support, unconditional. In fact, I was the one who was about to do it and I often feel very guilty.

Thank you for the reply. I can tell by your posts that you feel like me a lot and can relate. I hope we can both get better even if we can't get "well," we can get better than we are now, right?

 

[The Albatross]

Well Anthony sure says we can... and he did it, so I guess that we can get better than we are right now is an "affirmative". (grin) Yes I think we can.

 

[intothelight]

Fighting suicidal thoughts and desires to harm myself severely have been a battle for me for almost a year and a half strait. It is only within the past six weeks (or close to) that the desires and temptation have left. There are moments these thoughts resurface, but they are no long just below the surface causing me to battle them daily.

For me that is better and I am hoping to keep improving. Keep measuring "better" in terms of your own progress as that is all that really counts.

Deb

 

[gidge]

I so hear ya.

My ex committed suicide when we broke up. He was my best friend at the time the only one I could confide in. The one I laughed with and cried with. We broke up as I felt he was becoming too clingy and I was young and didn't realise how much he needed me.

I deal with the grief and guilt every day and I feel like the worse person in the world because I knew he was probably suicidal and didn't follow him sooner, rather followed a friends advice to leave him and let him cool down.

And yet despite knowing the grief and guilt I too consider ending things, although it is prob the one reason why I don't is I know the guilt and wouldn't want to inflict that on anyone. It is a hard journey carrying on after the death of a loved one and I feel for you.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Gidge- that is really awful! That must be hard. This friend and I did not date but we were best friends. But he was unraveling and I did not know. Our last exchange was not what it should have been.

 

[gidge]

It is always so hard for survivors left behind. You wonder if you had said or done something different would they have hung on for one more day/ one more hour, and you agonise over the last conversation over and over.

The truth is though that when someone is feeling suicidal their mood may lift and those around may feel that they are doing ok, and if someone is very determined to end things then nothing anyone says or does will make a difference.

 

[Srain]

Okradlak, my heart goes out to you so much on this and those feelings of "what chance do I have if they didn't make it?". I heard the saying yesterday, that I could only partially take in, "every death is a wake up call to live". I can only partially take it because I still grieve over loosing. I don't really understand having lost those who I wish were here when it was I who have been trying so hard to leave and yet am finding myself so ashamed for being so ungrateful for all I have. I am working so hard not letting that guilt turn around on me to destroy me and take me under when I am low and things get rough and I feel unworthy.

I am trying to live through not knowing how to feel feelings like an adult. My head is still reeling as I work harder to be in the present, this is so much harder when I try to stay with emotions and not hurt/torture myself in the process. Coming here reminds me of all the others that are ahead of me, beside me, and starting. It gives me hope, reminding me that it can and is being done.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I still grieve the loss of my best friend, though under different circumstances, I miss him each and every day, the hole in my heart will never be filled. I had a lot of guilt and shame for not having been there for him but that's not there now, it's not resolved but it's not eating me alive. I talk to him without it though. I think that's a good thing.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Rain

 

[AngelaMarie]

I just want to give you all a big (((hug))). It is sooo hard to deal with.:cry: When I think about the fact that I could have caused that much harm to my boys it hurts me to the core. I will never do that to them. Thanks for your posts!!!!