General Friends Don't Want To Visit - PTSD Husband Absent

[xandy]

Hi All,
I am new to the list. My husband has had PTSD since 2003 and has been seeing Doctors for over 3 years now, but nothing seems to get any better just more pills.
He got sick after a deployment with the Aust Army and it took a while for them pick up what was going on.
We have a 12 yr old son thats growing up without a real father. I feel so sad watching my husband shut himself away from us day in day out. I know he needs time out but this is over the top, this is all the time. He looks at me like he hates me and the things he says hurt so much. I can't have friends in the house because he can't stand the noise and if I do have people at home they ask where is he. I have to tell them he is not feeling well and is having a rest in the end people just don't come back anyway. Can things ever get any better?

 

[fin]

Xandy I want to say I feel for you, and welcome.

I also want to say that I believe that good friends will understand, and your husbands health is more important than whether your friends turn up, if any of them have any understanding and compassion it will work through with them. Your husband needs help and I think you might do also. And that I believe is what is more important.

I want to say to you that yes I do believe that things can get better, I was in the same position a few years back. I could not stand any noise, ANY, because in the end after some bad therapy I was living in a CONSTANT state of hyper arousal and was continually being triggered and having continuous flashbacks, continous ones. I CAN SAY that is not the case any more. I had a really bad year last year and I could have completely lost everything in this MY life. But now, NOW is definitely changing, I am changing, and I do think that I am maybe begining to finally learn HOW to manage PTSD. It is difficult BUT it CAN be done.

I know it might seem over the top to you, it probably did to those around me, but at the time.. I was in a very bad way and it was the only way I could cope. I had no answers and was also desperate, I thought perhaps that someone ie my then therapist would see and do, but they didn't. Get some help for yourself, and if he has none please try to get him some too.
It may seem to you at the moment that he hates you, I think that those around me might have felt this also, but it wasn't hate for them, self hate for sure- the amount of self loathing was off the scale, and guilt also- which again feeds back into all the negative stuff and I WAS BAD.
I love my family, and nothing has ever changed that, and my son -well, we are working through this better now. I thought I would and then thought I had lost my son, he was also going through some things himself, but we are now stronger perhaps than we ever were before. I know he has respect for me again and I never lost sight of him for one minute, I lost myself and I believe there is a difference.

I hope that this can help you some and that it will work out for you, the thing is it wont work out of its own accord, PTSD wont resolve itself- you BOTH have to work at it and work it out, AND your husband needs to work it through and out. BUT it can be done, try to find the right help is the only advice I can offer you.

Take care and please know you are not alone here, maybe your husband might find the forum helpful, it has helped me so much, this is all my therapy and for the foreseable future. -IT IS WORKING for me. I hope that this will give you some hope also, and that you find the support you need at this time.
~fin

YES things can get better,- you and your HUSBAND have to want them to get better, you BOTH need help and support and HE needs to begin to work on and learn how to MANAGE HIS PTSD.

I wish you both well and every SUCCESS

 

[xandy]

Hi Fin, I am so glad to hear you are doing well it gives me real hope for my husband and family and thank you for taking the time out to write.

Yes I know my husbands health is far more important than friends calling. But It's more than just friends it's family to.
We have our 12 yr old to think of and we have four other older children. One is 18 and is still living home but we don't see him much and the other three have left home but like to visit. We have had 18th, 21st, going away, Xmas party's while he has stayed in the bedroom. I spent the first 2 years or so after he got sick trying to keep the house as quite as I could so nothing would upset him and some days I still find my self doing that.

My husband does get help he see's a psychiatrist. At first this was weekly now it's fortnightly he also see's a GP and psychologist monthly. My frustration is not so much with him but with the military. They have offered him help and so they should! but nothing for our children or myself. We live in a rural area and the help your talking about is just not around here and if it is it's at a high price. We live on a defence pension and my small wage from my part time job. I think his doctor's should be helping him more with teaching how to manage things on a day to day basis. If he keeps doing what his doing every day all day nothing can change. He got PTSD back in 2003 and I think by now they should have done a lot more for him other then change his pills.

We had a very bad weekend it all started because I went shopping and it would seem I got all the wrong food!!!!!!! He was agro from that time on. I can handle it most days but the last three where the worst in quite a while. I know he loves our children but when I hear the way he talks to our 12 yr old just for doing what kids do, like spilling a drink. Then when I get the evil eye and get called names when I am the one supporting him whilst others don't give a dam or don't understand, its rather hard to take. I sometimes think to my self I didn't make this mess, the defence did and they should dam well clean it up. Supporting Family's pfffffffff

Things are much better today kind of had a blow out yesterday told him by doing what his doing he is letting to PTSD win. I don't know if I was right but it seemed to work for now.
Thanks again Fin

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome to the forum Xandy. I have to be brief as I'm short of time..........

I wanted to say that while everything Fin says makes sense and can put it into perspective for you; I do know that it is much harder living it. While as a Carer I can take what sufferers say and apply it - it can be hard when you sometimes just want or need that one day that is PTSD free. I am sure that sometimes it is normal to want to scream "what about me, it isn't fair" and I totally understand that.

Vent away as that helps a lot. I found that sometimes you have to let it out just so you can offload your emotional plate to start again the next day. This isn't easy stuff but I do hope things improve for you.

 

[Grama-Herc]

Xandy

I am not a carer but a sufferer but I have watched my 85 yo mom learn to live with me and my issues. She read an listened to anything and everything she could to try to grasp how to handle me and my issues.

This forum will help you if you use it. Read. Educate yourself. Most of all VENT! The other carers are here to help each other and they can help you too!

Have you been able to get your hubby to join the forum? It can help him to.

My prayers go out to you.