Friends Not Understanding Ptsd Is Really Difficult

[anthony]

Friends is a real tricky one, that's for certain. Some interesting points and experience above...

 

[Philippa]

It is tricky. I don't really have much more to add, as maddog and others have pretty much given good advice on this subject. Cutting people slack is a good thing, and I need to improve in this area at times as well. I can lose it if people say unhelpful stuff to me, which only makes me look like I'm ungrateful...and I am. I'm not grateful for comments that make me feel even worse than I already do, and just because they mean well, it doesn't help the situation.

Later I am better able to see that they meant well, but at the time, I don't care how well they meant, their comments were stupid and hurtful, and made things worse for me.

I'm lucky to have a couple of good friends, and some new friends who do mean well but don't always say things that are helpful and sometimes make me feel like I am a wimp and they are frustrated with me, but I get that it's also their own projections and I am mirroring some aspect of them that they don't like or accept yet, so I am better able to not take it personally depending on my state of mind at any given time. It changes of course.

 

[Shellbell]

I've been thinking about this more and I have only just started educating myself about PTSD and I still don't know most of what there is to know no doubt. So my friends do not have the knowledge to know how to respond in the most appropriate and helpful way. I need to remind myself of this when they say things that don't help.

When a friend makes a helpful comment then I will tell them, then they may learn what is useful and what isn't.

Someone made a good point about if a friend causes triggers or harm in some way, then distance myself, but the others keep around. I really care about my friends and I can try to show that even amongst all of this.

 

[Anna]

To be honest, I have not really told anyone about my PTSD. I am grateful to have this forum to be able to interact with other sufferers and meet people to discuss it.

I think out of all my friends, one person knows and she herself has a mental illness so can empathise. It is so hard for people to understand something they themselves have never been through, plus as mentioned before above society has a very negative view towards mental illness and it is still almost a taboo.

Stay with those friends who give you support. The ones that do you will find drain you of your energy and will make you feel bad.

 

[surviving_it_all]

I needed to read this so badly. Lately as I try my hardest to accept that truama has truly traumatized me and as I try to work through it, I realize the lack of a huge support system. New friends are more willing to understand what I am going through that the friends that have always been there. Even my family members refuse to accept that PTSD is a legitamite diagnosis. They all just want me to move past it. I can not do that without time, support and help. I am going to the right professionals. I am trying my hardest but I really need people in my corner right now. I am trying. All the feedback that I get from my closest friends and family is that I am being selfish. Maybe, I am. All I know is that if being selfish means that I can get through this...then I want to be selfish. Living with PTSD is the hardest thing I have ever done. Its so hard. I just wish more people understood and cut me some slack. Its push push push.... can one of you send them the memo that the PUSHING does not help me. The pushing overwhelms me with panic. Why can't anyone meet me on my turf during this? I am in desperate need of the people I love to be behind me in this. Its been really hard to get the support I need to fight for myself. Its e xhausting fighting this. I do not want to give up but its so exhausting.

'

 

[Shellbell]

@surviving_it_all - I understand how difficult it must be for you to have friends who aren't supporting you in the way you need. I have friends who really think I should be 'over' this by now. I think some think I'm dramatising it all. I told them that my therapist explained to me that my brain has been injured and I need EMDR as well as exposure therapy. That helped a few to understand how real and serious it is.

I've ordered a book recommended on here about relationships and PTSD, as relationships often fail. This will no doubt be a valuable resource for my husband and my friends. Maybe a book may help.

You are right, you do need to be selfish - or rather 'prioritising your needs' as PTSD is a serious disorder. I've had to tell my friends that I am unable to be there for everyone in the same way as was for a while. It's not because I don't care - I am just not capable at the moment.

Are you able to show them this forum, you don't have to say what your user name is and they can see what you need in the way of support? Or print off some of the information on here. There is a really good 'PTSD Cup Theory' that I have told my husband and friends about to explain why I can sometimes not cope with really little things.

I hope you can find the support and encouragement you need.

 

[kers]

I've told a couple of friends, who quickly became acquaintances. My two dearest friends have really stood by me, though. I don't, like, have talks with them that are singularly focused on my PTSD, but I mention my symptoms in passing and they aren't weirded out and if we go out and I flip out, I can just say, "We have to go" and they'll leave, no questions asked.

I probably could have predicted this result, though--the two close friends have always loved me as I am and the other folks have been sort of fair-weather friends from the get-go.

 

[Philippa]

Surviving it all, I get exactly what you mean.

For years my mother and father, even being there in the psychiatrists office when she told them I had CPTSD, all they cared about was me getting a job! There was no thought there...just...get job! My mother is obsessed with her own security and has issues with money, even though we grew up quite comfortably...and my father is too busy being busy in his own little world, that neither of them took the time to even try and contemplate what PTSD is and how it affected me. I was also clinically depressed and suicidal...and all they cared about was me getting a job! As if anyone in their right mind would hire ME. I couldn't even smile at the time, let alone work.

They finally admitted...10 YEARS later...that "Oh, so it really was that bad for you back then...um...sorry!":mad:

My mother did not even recall being told that I had PTSD in the psychs office...she was too busy wrapped up in her own self-centred little world to even remember. It went in one ear and out the other. My father though I was being a "free-loader" because I wasn't working and not paying rent to them at the time. I couldn't leave my room as I'd been raped and was too frightened to go outside for a year. My mother thought I was faking it to get out of working!

That is how messed up it was. I'm sure it's the same for most sufferers here. People are too busy being busy and walking around in their own stupid little lives, that they couldn't possibly get what anyone on this side of the fence is going through. They are too busy denying their own stuff, let alone be confronted with someone elses. Denial is what helps people get through life. We don't have that luxury.

 

[Shellbell]

I have a friend who has really not been understanding of the PTSD and keeps likening it to her post natal depression and giving me advice based upon that and to not listen too much to my therapist etc. Difficult situation as she can be quite opinionated and doesn't take kindly to anyone thinking she may be wrong.

But, unbeknowns to me, she actually went and researched PTSD and EMDR and sent me message today (she lives abroad) kind of apologising for not understanding and saying that I needed to do everything my T advises me and ignore her former advice.

I had tears well up that she would actually care enough to research it and realise what I am dealing with. So, advice given before - that some friends take time to actually 'get it' - is so right. I am so blessed to have a friend who is this caring.

 

[Philippa]

That's so lovely of her. My own mother didn't even research PTSD, heck, she didn't even remember the psychiatrist telling her I had it, 10 years ago.:O_o:

 

[Shellbell]

Family are often the ones who refuse to acknowledge or deal with the PTSD.

Sorry Phillipa that your Mum isn't being supportive. It sucks when out own family don't help. I think that's why my friend actually researching it made me emotional, because my own mother wouldn't have bothered either.

If I told my mother (when I had contact with her) that I had PTSD and she was a contributor to it - she would flat out tell me that I am just being dramatic and probably ignore me for a year.

 

[Philippa]

That's pretty much what my mother did do. She told my brother she couldn't be bothered with me, when SHE was the one acting like a crazy person. She thought I was faking being suicidal to get out of working.

Anyway, it means a lot when anyone bothers to research this condition. You're lucky.