Friends Not Understanding Ptsd Is Really Difficult

[Shellbell]

I have a group of friends, some I trust more than others. At the advice of my psychologist when I was assessed recently, I made an attempt to tell my friends about the PTSD diagnosis to try to build a support group and let them know what has been going on. Prior to that they didn't really know much, as I had thought I was going mad.

I have had a very mixed reaction, some friends now avoid me which upsets me when I have tried to be honest about what's happening, some are supportive but think I should go to them when I need help. Which I don't because when I need help I withdraw and anxiety levels are too high to pick up the phone, so I don't.

Only 2 of them really show support and don't try to tell me what I should be doing or thinking, the others all think they need to tell me to 'move on', 'don't dwell in the past' and one friend told me that I 'need to realise I am not the only person that has been abused'. All the comments being really unhelpful.

I don't want to ask my friends to read up on PTSD, but I'm now avoiding talking to them about it at all as I know they will say something that makes me feel worse.
I feel really isoloated with these problems, plus the isolating issues of nise, social situations etc as well.

So, looking for some advice on how best to handle friends as I have no family support?

 

[maddog]

Hi Shellbell. Sadly, the diverse reactions of your group of friends pretty much are a snapshot of society's reactions in general. Some people are overwhelmed and avoid, some people think they have all the answers and try to help in really unhelpful ways, some people aren't quite game to do anything lest they offend or make it worse, and a very few, very sacred group of people, actually seem to really intuitively "get it", or are open-minded and intelligent enough to be educated and to learn.

I think sometimes we have to learn the hard way that choosing who to tell and who not to tell is quite the exercise in detective work. Telling everyone in your social circle just for the sake of information sharing is rarely a wise move. Instead, I think you have to go with your instinct as to those people you feel most comfortable with. Remember, you don't owe anyone an explanation, and one should be provided only when it feels right and when you believe it's in your best interests to do so.

I absolutely understand the social isolating and avoidance - I think just about anyone with PTSD will relate to that, and as difficult as it is for non-sufferers to understand, the very least, yet the very most, they can do is to accept. If they are true friends who respect you, they will at least try to do this.

This is a really exhaustive topic and one for which there are no easy answers or simple solutions. I know how critical friends are when you have no family support, so I hope that those couple of friends you mentioned who seem most supportive are able to offer you some meaningful support at this time.

Hang in there. PTSD can be a lonely road, but just as some relationships won't survive it, others will be born and will flourish, sometimes from where you least expect them.

Maddog

 

[Meadowsweet]

I don't think I can add anything to what Maddog has said.

But sadly this does seem to be the response of people. I think in the end it has to be us who find understanding and acceptance for the poor souls who don't understand us. It seems coccide, but it saves us taking on the added burden I think.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You got a better reaction than I did. I lost ALL my friends. I'm not saying that to make you feel any better, rather to let you know it's typical, or common for people to run away or give us crap advice when we disclose our diagnosis.

I don't have any real advice, but would like to offer you (((hugs)))

 

[NarcSis]

Maddog said it all there. The hardest part for me is that my 'best friend' is not really a person I can choose to distance myself from - my sister. She doesn't get it, she refuses to get it and still holds onto the tough it out persona which is really hard for me.

It gets lonely, it gets depressing but don't ever be afraid to tell those left that this is how it is for you. At this point, I don't care what other people think of me, I am how I am and if I have to accept it, so do they...tough.

Keep your chin up and believe in yourself.

 

[Shellbell]

I'm so sorry you lost all your friends ScaredOfLonely. And I will take that hug and give one back to you (((((hug))))).

And Maddog - thank you - I am glad I'm getting to know you.

Medic72 - I have one sister who lives abroad and I keep in touch with her via messaging. She doesn't undertsand this at all and advised me to be 'hypnotised so I would forget it all', or just 'move on, it's all in the past'. Not helpful, so I know what you mean.

Thank you all for your support on this - I am finding it really hard. I feel I need to distance myself from the friends that want to say inappropriate things like I had a comment yesterday in a message from a friend saying 'have you not found the light at the end of the tunnel yet'. She means well, but it just makes me feel like a failure that no - I haven't - as the trauma/exposure therapy I have yet to go through does not feel like a light - it feels like a very long dark deepening tunnel.

Hugs to everyone ((((hugs)))).

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You got a better reaction than I did. I lost ALL my friends.

This is why I think I'm part evil. Oh wait, wrong thread. Sorry.

 

[Shellbell]

This is why I think I'm part evil. Oh wait, wrong thread. Sorry.

You are not part evil at all, you just had the wrong friends. Although I know what you mean, I have felt for some time now that there must be a reason why all this happened. Did I deserve it? Am I as bad as my parents said I was?....but deep down I know that's not true. The abusers in my life did the evil things, not me.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Shellbell, I understand it's difficult, and that they're not the support that you need. But I would reccomend keeping your friends around you. As long as they are not triggering your symptoms or harming you in some way.

Therapists have years of training and experience of dealing with trauma and PTSD (and even then they get it wrong sometimes). Friends have no training at all.

So if they try and don't say the right thing, then you can choose to isolate, or you can choose to cut them some slack for not being perfect. It's better to have someone care, than no-one.

 

[Shellbell]

Yes, I think you are right Meadowsweet. With regard to most of my friends - I think they are well meaning and I do need to cut them some slack and try to tolerate it more.

But a couple just like to tell people what to do and get irritated if you don't agree with them, and they are the ones I know I need to distance myself from.

In a way it's good, because I am learning what not to say to anyone who he going through difficult times.

I've probably said the wrong thing to people in the past who have had depression and other similar problems. And I would hope they would cut me some slack too as my intentions would have been good.

 

[maddog]

The other thing is that some people do come round in time, it just takes them a while to really "get it", or even to realise that they don't. It's true that it's better in the long run not to have a knee jerk reaction and throw the baby out with the bath water. But this applies only as long as they're not actively causing you distress. The "light at the end of the tunnel" comment, for example, smacks of someone very consumed with their own perception of the world. Not to say you should ditch this person, but merely be aware that in the foreseeable future, this person is unlikely to be too receptive to seeing the world from your angle.

Again, it's impossible for anyone who isn't you and doesn't know your friends and the dynamics of your relationships with them to have a view with certainty. I can only urge you to go with what feels right, stick close to those who feel safe or genuine, distance yourself from those who don't, and try to engage with safe people as much as, but not more than, you can tolerate.

Maddog

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It has nothing to do with the friends I have. I am the same way toward everybody, unfortunately.