Friends

[OKRADLAK]

I like to "hangout" with a lot of people I call friends. They are not really, but you know.

I feel safe around a lot of people . No self harm, less mental agony.

Well, I really was hiding it well till that meltdown in public. I am pulling back and I miss them.

But I have not told anyone. I waiver between wanting to be out with it. There are some in my group who DO tell all their troubles, Some who are quiet as a mouse.

I look to see what is best. I cannot tell.

There were times I did tell. I did tel this group I have food allergies because I cannot eat around people. That is kinda true, not really. It is the PTSD.

I really wish I could tell and be accepted, but I fear it would be a wall and I do not want to risk it.

How do you all deal with holding it all in? I feel so fake. So alone.

 

[Sethe]

Hmm, well, I really don't have any friends, so I don't have to hide it from anyone. I have acquaintances, but they don't know about it. I haven't even told 'group' people. Well, to be fair, I didn't know at the time, have been in denial about my diagnosis and have stayed away from group.

I have learned that I do not have to tell everyone everything about me. So, it doesn't mean a lot to me to divulge that kind of information.

I wish I had some good advice that could help you.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't say anything specifically, but I think it helps me more to be realistic and try to think of their needs.

And to realize what are my own doubts or fears- being a burden or re: trust etc.
But ultimately someone 'is' trustworthy or not, if they are then it is up to me to remember that and not react to what is not their fault but my fear.

I think you sound like a sweet, good and honest person- I would miss you on this Forum and I bet your friends miss you now too. I think you are going far-harder on yourself than anyone else would- in 28 years with it I think that is a ptsd-trait. Or related. :(

 

[OKRADLAK]

June, I think it IT a PTSD trait indeed! Thank you for those nice words, too!! I try very hard to be kind to people. They know I am weird. In fact, people HAVE said to me, "You are weird.:" I am too excitable, too narrow interested, and I can pass it off as aspergers if I want but that is not the matter. It is PTSD.

I want to tell people because I feel so alone and so fraudulant. They think I am more functional that I am because I can speak well, dress like a normal person, etc. I used to NOT be able to do those things and it really showed and I had not a single person to even say HI to me after three years in a group once.

So they have no clue.

I don't like to spill my guts, but it is equally hard to say nothing. I let little drabs out. Once said I know how it feels to have the back side of fist to your head, just to see the response. Of course, the is really nothing. As you know, what happened to me was so bizaare and crazy that I can't even explain it. That is why I have PTSD. That was just a little test of the waters.

They kinda went "Awww" but then blew it off which was good. I got to see. It made me feel scared to even say that and vulnerable. So I can't really tell them I have PTSD. So I am alone. So I feel worse around them. But I like them.

It makes me mad that I am damaged now! Damaged to where being around people is so complicated just because people have to hurt other people! GGGGGRRRR!

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes Dear OKRADLAK, I understand that feeling.

But it will get better, though that seems impossible.

And what I said is true.

You may be surprised at what your friends love about you- "normal" is rather boring, anyway. Personally I like people to be themselves and unique.
(((((OKRADLAK))))))