Frightened By Nemesis

[Bill Dickerson]

Tonight I accidentally ran into an old co-worker who I've tried not to hate for a very long time. I've worn a lot of steel off a resentment token over the anger I had with this guy. Fantasized about beating crap out of him. I was in line at Wal-Mart and I noticed him ahead of me. What's curious is I actually jumped from fear at the sight of him. I immediately moved to another line on the far end of the building and hunkered down so he wouldn't see me. I think I was frightened about what I might do if he did acknowledge me. I know I have been fearful of old co-workers in the past since I do not wish to explain what happened to me. I also feel that I let them down somehow. This experience was new for me.

Has anyone else had similar experiences?????

 

[Friday]

So not a new experience here. Oy. & Breathe.

The good news, is that when I dodge and weave away, that cold jolt? Is actually my phenomenal self control hijacking my system instead of my adrenaline hijacking my system. Alright. Self control = good. Hard & painful more often than not, but good in the overall scheme of things. The bad news is that there's almost always a reaction shakeout/crash afterwards. Delayed reaction.

For me it's different from the flight side of fight/flight. It really is getting myself as far away from a potential target as possible. Because I can't trust myself to share air with this person and not kick into fight mode. Immediately. Self control out the effing window if I don't. It really is just this side of either going cold and not giving a f*ck, or going hot and seriously hurting someone. It's close, but it's still just this side of it.

So it ends up being a complicated set of emotions/ reactions. Barely tethered rage snuggled up close with shame, embarrassment, self doubt, 2nd guessing, ramping up for confrontation, disappointment, a blow to the old ego waaaay below the belt, the list goes on. It's just complicated. Bad bedfellows. And it roils into -recently- the overwhelming need to either sleep & reset (overf*ckingwhelmed need to shut off or shut down), or break something. Preferably the same guy I just walked away from. In the past it usually got redirected into the need to move & feel (dance, fight, sex, etc.) or numb out. Either get wasted or turn off my emotions. I still bump up against the edges of going numb even now.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I hide from certain people when I see them. I don't have a fear of beating them up or doing anything. But I hate the fake sweetness and concern they say when they see me. After all of the emotional abuse and humiliation they put me through, I don't want to associate with them. We work in the same school district now so occasionally we find ourselves in the same room. Now that I am getting stronger I think I would worry about what I would day though.

 

[scout86]

Oh yeah! One person in particular. I don't THINK I'm still afraid of him. There's no reason to be afraid of him now. But I've spent a fair amount of time trying to imagine forms of torture that might give him some incite into the meaning of what he did to me. I'm kind of not sure who I'm afraid of most, him, or me. And maybe I'm just kidding myself and wouldn't have the guts to confront him anyway.... I don't know.

But, in answer answer to your question, "Yep, sure do!"

 

[Nam]

Almost always when this happens, we only discuss the present time and keep it really shallow. I don't have anyone that I resent as much as you do so not sure what I would do in your situation.

Another thing that might be influencing how you handled it was the environment. I know that I'm weirded out by seeing people not in the usual environment or in the usual uniforms or civilian, I guess. I was in the medical field so we all kind of looked the same when working. But seeing a person at a ball game, or out shopping makes it all feel weird. We put on different "hats" when we aren't working and it's hard to tell how to act or respond in that situation.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

What surprised me is I physically jumped like some one jumped out and said Boo. I jump at sounds but never the sight of someone. It surprised and confused me.

I hate being surprised. Felt like seeing one of my ghosts.

 

[Kintsugi]

I run away from all kinds of people. All the time.

And yes, there are many ex co-workers I wouldn't be too keen on seeing. College peers too. Going to my partner's graduation, a year after mine, was like a form of self-harm. I ran into basically everyone I never wanted to see again!

 

[risingsun]

Has anyone else had similar experiences?????

Yes. I have. I am sorry you had to deal with this. I was severely traumatized by two events prior to working at my last job where i was for ten years. Then, in those ten years I was severely traumatized by old co-workers. I left my job some time ago and didn't even want to leave the house during non-working hours for them for fear of running into them. Eventually, I ran into one who worked there and just happened to be related to the boss of my workplace.

Long story short, I tried to avoid her in the store and then she was parked next to me in the lot!!! Figures. I hated it. Later I realized they are the ones who should be ashamed of their behavior. They should be ducking their heads in the sand and if they do not realize their own behavior, Karma will come creeping their way at some point, Karma of their own making.

People have a way of turning situations around so you feel like the one in the wrong.

Have no fear my friend. Walk tall. You know the truth in your heart and that is all that matters. I am working on letting the memories of these people fade away and I hope you are able to do the same, that is my prayer for both of us. To release them into the past where they belong and look to the now where they do not exist for me. Warmest, Rising Sun.