Sufferer From Childhood Neglect And Abuse To A Controlling (ex)spouse And More...

[Lainey]

But, if you're like me, as soon as you get to care about someone, you start to feel the need to push them away... It's like they have way too much power over you. It doesn't feel safe.

The problem is "earthlings" can take it for granted that you're going to be there for them, and we can't. We know what it's like to be dependent on someone, only for that someone to abandon us. We are always waiting for that other shoe to drop.

That gives "earthlings" a power over us. They can handle rejection and we can't. The only way to be in control, is to get your rejection in first...


You are not weak. I can see you are courageous because you have taken a chance. I can see that you want to make your relationship work, and that makes you a caring person. Don't listen to the parent voices in your head - there's nothing wrong with you.

I think you're exactly right. I just don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to be close to someone. I want to be different so bad... I don't know if he'll ever understand the ways I feel. It's all like a foreign language to him. I'm so tired of the struggle...

 

[Tinyflame]

Lainey, perhaps he doesn't need to understand all of the ins-and-outs. If he is stable, and trustworthy, and loves you, that is more than understanding without being any of those things. He can't learn if you don't tell him. That's really the same for any relationship.

So much is fear. And that we have a tendency to condemn ourselves, I think.

 

[bitzer]

I just don't know how to fix it ... I'm so tired of the struggle.

Here's a thought that took me a h*ll of a long time to get my head around and apply to my own relationship - IT'S NOT YOUR SOLE RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WORK.

A relationship is 50:50. You can't have a meaningful relationship with a brick wall. You both have to put the effort in.

I don't know how to be close to someone.

That's right. You never got that modelled to you by your parents, so you don't know. The important thing is, you're willing to learn.

It's all like a foreign language to him.

That's right. It is a foreign language. You have to help him learn "Lainey", and he has to help you learn "earthling". You have to help him understand that you can't take it for granted that he is going to be there for you, and he doesn't understand why you feel rejected all the time.

These aren't things that you have conscious control over, you don't consciously choose to push him away, these are things that are programmed in at a very primitive level. Your partner has to just accept that this is who you are right now. The important thing is you want to change.

 

[woundedsoul]

Welcome Lainey. And may I say to everyone who posted in support of you, what amazing human beings you all are? Amazing, simply amazing, incredible caring, supportive, compasssionate caring souls. You all amaze me! Truly!

 

[bitzer]

... And may I say to everyone who posted in support of you ...

You can feel supported too...

 

[BigBear]

@Bitzer,

And may I say bitzer, you have a great mind and a lot of wisdom working there.

... And may I say to everyone who posted in support of you ...

You can feel supported too...

And massive agreement from me here! Wounded soul you are also important to us! Our support goes to you too. ((((((((((woundedsoul))))))))))

Bear

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, WS you're the first one to always say something kind and supportive, Thank You.
((((WS))))

 

[woundedsoul]

Thank all of you for being so kind!

 

[bitzer]

And may I say bitzer, you have a great mind and a lot of wisdom working there.

Thank you BigBear.

Joke: What's the difference between a Narcissist and a spermatazoon?
Answer: There isn't one really, they both have about one in three billion chance of becoming a human being.

 

[Enigma66]

Wow you have had a rough time! Sometimes we live our lives and project out a 'coping' front to people, but inside we can be a mess. When you are in a situation where you feel 'safe' and allow ourselves to relax, things sneak up behind you when you least expect it. Your relationship is a credit to you, your man and your togetherness but this can be a time when all the buried grief, hurt and pain starts to come out. Try and go with it, allow yourself to have down time, good days and bad days, eventually in time it will all balance out. You are very courageous and have a lot of guts, don't beat yourself up, be patient with yourself, sometimes we have to go backwards before we can go forwards :)