Frustrated And Stuck

[missing_the _sunshine]

My GP has always described me as a non-talker, which is why she held off referring me to a T until recently. Last T session I thought I had a minor accomplishment, when I wrote down my thoughts and then used it as a cue card to explain to my T how I felt during sessions and how difficult I found it to answer her questions and know what to say.

Yesterday's session I felt like a total failure...went in all prepared to open up and be honest. Then the first sign that things were getting full on I knew that I was on the brink of tears so totally shut down and that was the end of it. I am so angry and dissapointed in myself and don't understand why it is so hard. How are things ever going to get better or easier when I am such a wimp?

 

[The Albatross]

(((Missing the Sunshine))) The accomplishment that you had when you used your cue cards isn't gone because you shut down. Any chance you can write what happened, what you were feeling when you shut down and bring it to your T? It is understandable to be disappointed in the sesson, but don't let it rob you of your success. I do that to myself too... get angry at myself and start calling myself names.

I'm trying to learn how to accept the disappointment without turning on myself and beating myself up. Disappointment is okay, but turning anger on myself is only going to drive up the negative emotions I had surrounding the experience. It is hit and miss, sometimes I do better than others. And that is okay. Sometimes I use the energy of my disappointment to challenge myself more... other times I now try to write out what I was thinking or feeling and see if I can learn anything about what the heck happened.

Hang in there, wimps don't deal with this stuff like we all are here... or go to therapy.

 

[SimplyComplex]

I agree, just going in shows you aren't a wimp. Opening up and trusting is not an overnight thing...it can take months or years. You have been through alot, and it will take a long time to be able to trust again. Give yourself time.

I have talked to t about my frustration with a similar issue...therapy induced amnesia. I just "forget" important things, only to remember them once I walk out. She has been very understanding. I also had a hard time talking if I feel like I might cry...something I am getting better with in time (13 months and counting). If your t has trauma experience, then this is stuff they are expecting and understanding of. It is part of the process.

 

[Heather]

I know exactly how you feel. Lots of times when I would start to feel the tears well up I would shut down emotionally inside. I would stop talking and even tell my therapist to "shut up". He enjoys me so much:p.

It doesn't mean you're a wimp or a failure. It just means that this stuff is really hard to talk about and painful. I do what you do as well. I'll write stuff down and give it to him. I found that helps a lot. Go easy with yourself. I think you're doing great.

Hugs. Heather.

 

[missing_the _sunshine]

The Albatross, Simply Complex and Heather - thank you so much for your replies.

It's just that I feel like I am letting my T down - I feel like she is reaching out to help me and I just cant seem to build that trust yet. It's not even that I seem to forget...but I sit there listen to the questions and comments and go over everything in my head and then just stare at the lightswitch pretty much. If I even get close to tears then I shut down big time and pretty much give her nothing for the rest of the session.

I have written down some stuff for next time - 3weeks away but I really cant see myself doing anything with it. I can see that it will just stay in my handbag the enitre session. So frustrated. I really dont want to dissapoint her or let her down because she is really nice.

 

[Heather]

Trust takes time to build. I've been seeing my therapist for 2 years and he's probably the person that I trust the most out of anyone but there's even a limit to that.

I think your list is great. How 'bout giving it to her as soon as you walk in? That's what I do with mine. I immediately whip it out and say, "here". I do that 'cause this way I can't skip stuff. Just a thought.

Hugs. Heather

 

[SimplyComplex]

Does she have email? Maybe you can email it ahead of time? It is amazing what is comfortable to share if you aren't in the room. I email my T sometimes but then she pretends she doesnt remember what it was so I have to say it. I often don't say what I wrote.

Its a process. You aren't letting your t down. Showing up and trying is all she wants. She isn't looking for a poster child to impress her peers with. She isn't looking to prove her greatness as a T. She is looking to help you recover, at your speed.

I talked to my T about this issue, shutting down when feeling sad. I still don't cry in front of her (although i have teared up a couple times now) but she asked if there was anything she could to do help...some how we came up with she could observe that I was upset and shutting down. That really helped me a lot...not sure why. Somehow I felt like then she was beside me...I gues it was comforting and also helped me to notice. I do it much, much less.

 

[Reclusive]

Remember - your therapy is not about your t, it's about you. Your needs, your wants, your struggles. You're not there to make your t feel awesome, you're there so they can help you. And just going in and getting to that point of shutting down over and over again is going to help you push the wall back little by little. If there's any place that we're allowed to be completely selfish, it's in therapy. I know it's really hard, and I'm hardly one to talk since I fired my t, but it's really important that you understand you and your t's role in your recovery.