Frustrated With Flash Backs - Sleeping With A Knife

[anthony]

Well done mate... you are definately on the right track, in that it is a matter of reteaching ourselves that we can sleep without a weapon in proximity... I had too during some of my worst ever PTSD. When I look back on those days now, I am deadset lucky that I never did kill anyone in peace time.... being home.

 

[purdyamos]

Kevin,it's a big step, losing your comforter. I too slept with a knife. I appreciate what you've done in leaving it. Bloody good for you. Here's to the next step!

 

[becvan]

OMG is this part of PTSD???

I didn't know that! (looks at the baseball bat the resides by the bed...)

Interesting...


Bec

 

[Deleted member 93]

Kevin, that is wonderful news! I hope you are still keeping it up!

And Bec, yes, it sort of is. You really have a hard time not always being on guard. I have loosened up enough to sleep with my windows open as my A/C fried, but I still keep my gun safe in my bedroom ready to go, I still find my self with my fire bat at my side late at night if everyone is asleep and I am having panic attacks half the time. I can only really seem loosened up though because I have a very protective dog that is loves me dearly and would eat anyone she does not know. It is still a safety net so to speak, but a guard dog trained will go after real danger not what we perceive as danger, thus accidently hurting a loved one goes out the window.

 

[piglet]

Yes Bec - all related to hypervigilance - as veiled says - you're on guard 24/7. I am fortunate to have 24hour security where I live and limited public access. Add to that my flat being on the first floor and a keycode and several locked doors between my door and the outside, I feel pretty safe! Oh, and the dog too!

Even with all that, I can't stay asleep. It seems like I wake up if a mouse sneezes within a mile...

You might ask -why don't I get some sleep meds? Cos doc says they may make the nightmares work. Not having that!

Welcome to the forum.

 

[anthony]

Bec, get rid of the bat, veiled... get rid of the gun. I don't think we need to cover the reasons why again... DO WE?

 

[becvan]

:wall:

Okay, this is making me groan.... Anthony, I suspect you are really NOT going to like my therapist...

My therapist told me to keep it (for now.) BUT, before you site the reasons why not and what is wrong with my therapist :smile: you need to hear why...


I am in a crisis right now. A real one, not a PTSD one. (well that too) In June, my youngest son's father was charged with uttering threats to cause death or bodily harm against me. He has been stalking me for the past year and a half (because the courts made him pay childsupport, believe it or not.) My partner (who was my safety, God, he made me feel safe) was incarcerated just two weeks after that. Then, my lovely stalker started getting his buddies to help out. Since then my house has been broken into (just last week) and I now get to see the police on a regular basis because of this idiot!!! The cops took awhile to start responding (I wasn't being taken very serious about the stalking until I got a few advocates working for me.)

I was only leaving my house for appointments for almost two months. I would let my dog out for a three second pee! I basically locked myself in my house and completely stopped sleeping. (ergo the sleeping pills) Right now my therapist is working on me trying to feel safe again. Eventually she is going to make me put my bat away (I know it) but right now I'm still trying to work on walking to the store or driving somewhere without panicking! (I'm getting better though, I can walk to the coffee shop now which is a half a block away).

So no fear, I know the bat has to go. Just not yet. (I dread that moment.)

Bec

 

[piglet]

I know it's not helpful, but I think you are being very restrained with just a bat by your bed!!! I'd want to at least put some nails in it too!

At least the police are doing something for you now, even if it's not much. I hope that the bastard knows the police are involved and that this makes the coward leave you alone. Take care!

 

[anthony]

Ah bec... you under estimate me. See, the difference here is that you have a legitimate reason to have the bat, in that you have an actual real threat at present. Mac, doesn't have real threat to warrant the gun, just the problems stemmed by PTSD. I don't know of any real threat to why veiled needs a gun in her bedroom... just like I didn't need a machete beside my bed either... I was chasing fear, as are the above (not sure about veiled)... I know Ya has a real possible threat at present, so if she said she had a weapon for short term just in case scenario, that wouldn't bother me either... nor does you instance bother me if you have real threat. I am realistic, in that a real threat does require real defence mechanisms in place, close at hand... I like your therapist for their advice to be quite honest. Some would still keep saying "get rid of the bat" under those circumstances, generally people who have never been faced with a real threat.

I hope that the cops get the prick... because I don't think you need any extra trauma to help you along bec... nor do any off us for that matter...

 

[Deleted member 3]

Bec,

Does that idiot not get the message that he is also hurting his child by this behaviour? Surely he can't seriously believe that the children aren't impacted by your terror. Given his current behaviour and threats I can see that common sense or appealing to his good nature (if he has one) would be a futile task. I hope the cops get him but better yet maybe you need a doberman. What will the cops do to him in reality though if they catch him but he hasn't really done anything other than stalk you? Don't get me wrong I imagine that would be terrifying and I agree with piglet, just a bat? Maybe the bat for the moment and a big, bad nasty (to strangers) dog.

 

[becvan]

Thanks everyone!

(and sorry Anthony!)

The bat is really only to make me feel safer and it doesn't work. I also have a dog. Unfortunately, I worry that he'd hurt her too. (she is a border collie/black lab about 55 lbs.)

So we have a safety plan in place. (no fight here, just flight) Matt and I rehearse it once a week. We know how to get out of the house, who to call, where to go etc.. I have extra leashes and collars to bring Cougar with me.

As for the trauma that it's causing Matt: he really doesn't care. He's told me straight out that he hates me, hates his son and so does the rest of his family. (for a little background: I just proved through DNA testing, two years ago, that Matt was his. He never wanted to claim him. So they haven't had any type of relationship before and the courts just awarded me sole custody (without any visitation for said idiot) and child support.)

The sad thing is we already had a safety plan in place for someone else! The man who had beaten Matt and I had threaten and attempted to kill us numerous times, so that safety plan stays in place until he drops dead or leaves the area! (or I move, which is my plan when I'm done school)

The second safety plan was the straw that broke both of us! It was just too much.

As for those of you still sleeping with weapons: NO KNIVES or GUNS!!! Just the thought of that makes me anxious. Especially if you have loved ones in the home! (I've been threatened before, it's traumatic) It is too easy to harm someone you didn't mean too. Downgrade people, downgrade!!!

Even if you guys use baby steps and go to a bat for a bit until you can have no weapons... try and use something less likely to kill someone...

BEc

 

[anthony]

That is some very smart advice bec for those struggling with removing a gun or knife completely... very smart advice. Atleast a cricket bat or the like takes more effort than a gun or knife, and the injury is generally vastly different.