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Frustrated With Flash Backs - Sleeping With A Knife

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I just took your advice off another thread about baby-stepping through our therapy and applied it here..

So really it was your idea!

*grins wickedly*

It has been almost two weeks I have gone with out a knife but now the feeling for the knife is back and stronger than before. I am going to do everything I can to not wake up with a knife in my hands. My wife is going to lock up my meds and knives so I have no access to them. I do not want to OD on my meds or end up stabbing any of my loved ones. I called my therapist about my plan and he feels this is a big step forward. I want to die but I also want to live only for the sake of my kids and my wife. I do not feel worthy to live any longer. I know this will pass in time but for now I hate myself and have to protect myself from myself.
You are doing the right thing and you are making huge progress with recognising your moods. Stick at it Pitt Bull. Dig your heels in and hang on for the ride - you will get out of this low and you will be stronger for it. Take care.
Good move pit bull, and a huge well done. You see the difference between right and wrong, the difference between safety and security. We can't be safe if others don't feel secure, especially the ones we love most. Stick with this, and it will pass.

What I would say though, is maybe you need to come and join us in the trauma diaries, and start working through some of your past, getting rid of it, so you can get better.... because I think you need it mate.
hang in there pit bull, i know how you feel. i am learning with my therapist's help how to stay in control when you are so far down it feels like an outside force is running things. i'll second the motion to try the trauma diaries. it is really hard at first, but it is amazing the difference it can make in a fairly short time. much easier to type than talk.
Thanks for the encouragement! I will try the diaires but not sure how to start or where to start. My mind jumps all around even when I am typing and trying to things in the moment.
I have my diary public, I think seeing it will help others who are dealing with and dealing with loved ones who have it to see it. Mine is all over the place (all my posts normally are). It is your diary and our head does not stay on a one way track. It is to type what you have going through your mind and what you experience and to reread it over and over and you can see where you are going and sometimes when typing something will slip out that you would not notice while speaking, normally Anthony will be the one to point it out to you and concentrate on that one bit giving you a big boost in the right direction.

It is very theraputic, it is very humiliating to an extent. I would "die from embarassment" if someone I knew like my family or bud saw it and knew it was me. But it is easier since nobody knows me here personally but they do know more about me from what I type than my family or friends. My diary is a bit long but it helps me and there is still so much I have not even touched yet, but one thing seems to lead to the next and it is addressed at your own pace. You have time to mull it over instead of the speed you would during your regular threapy as someone else pointed out on here. It gives you a chance to think.

I don't like the idea of my husband to look at mine and I am sure if I asked him not to he would respect that. I do wish he would post in the spouse section, I think he has a lot to offer if he did. He has seen me at my worst and saw it through with me and continues to. He is very compassionate with me, a trait I was unaware of as we are both cynical, until I had to address this he has dealt with it for a long time and for years not knowing what my deal was except I drank way too much, I almost lost him until everything came to light for him. Now I see a new side to him. He cannot really understand from a male's point of view (the rapes and abuse men were capable of), he cannot from a parent's point of view(his were great and he is a great parent so he can't get mine), that of a sibling (he has a wonderfully compassionate sister he would not in a million years even think to do what my brother did)of the different things I have gone through. He grew up in June and Ward Cleaver's home! But he has to deal with me and looking in and does pretty damn well.

A bit about my gun use. My guns relieve stress, they are a needed tool for a small farm also. My keeping them is a way of life. I no longer pack unless I am on the road. I used to have one on my person at all times legally. I was raised with them, an ex is a detective that used to do patrol, always guns every where. My flash backs seemed to only occur when I felt I needed protection was during intimate relations... I ended up shutting down. Except smelling fire, and then it induces panic attacks not a person I percieve as a direct threat. Not much chance of me running to find my keys go back to my safe and take out hubs. IMO they are not flashbacks, but docs opinion they are. I keep them locked.

Hubs is an enthusiast and has been looking for a smaller gun for me than what is in the safe. I have a little bobcat but he wants me to have one with more power but not as big as his so it is easier for me to handle. He still sees my ex who is written about in my diary as a real threat too. He knows what can happen if a man is not present, what has happened when one is not present, he wants me to be able to not allow it to happen again, he also knows I have a knack at attracting psycos... I also have a high risk repeat sexual offender around the corner from our home. High risk in Texas means they are waiting for them to do it again and expect them to, but time is served and they must release. They have gone from on my person at all times, to my bed at night only, to road trips and a safe. May be a slower process but it is a process. I don't think we would have guns in the home if he or I thought I would harm anyone accidently. That phase has pretty much passed. My nightmares result in panic, not waking to thinking I am else where. Threapist is fine with my guns locked up. Anthony not :dontknow:
Me and my husband had guns in the house for a very long time, until my PTSD began to seriously invade my life, too... And as more time passed on, and my PTSD got worse (like right now, where I don't sleep at all at night)- The time (there are way more examples much like this one) when I had heard a noise in the house in the middle of the night, and I had gotten my husband up to check it out with me... As he grabbed the doorknob, we both noticed that someone else was turning it too, he flung the door open... My son was on the other side, and me, my husband AND my son were screaming at the top of our lungs @ around 3-4 AM- Was enough to get the guns out of the house or someone was gonna wind up dead. I have repeatedly told my children to announce (or to at least answer me when I ask "Who's up?") to me when they're gonna get up to use the bathroom, or it's going to send me right off the edge of sanity.

Anthony, I want to thank you for the suggestion about asking the VA about professionals in the civilian world to get help for PTSD. We have lived here in Central California for about 2 years, and I wasn't sure where to go to get help for mine. I'm still terrified about getting out there (the 'getting out there' part is the worst of all. I absolutely hate leaving my home for anything anymore)and seeking help. You'll probably think it's silly, but I'm afraid Ill get diagosed with more than just severe PTSD. I'm such a chicken all the way around it seems.
Your welcome kells... just logic I think, because its a central place that harnesses a bulk group of individuals that suffer trauma. Most veteran services are run by civilians anyway, so even though they cannot help you directly, they will certainly know who's who in the zoo within the area for trauma therapy, or most even run their own private practices, so they can take patients on also privately, outside of their veteran help areas.

Its great to see people getting use out of the knowledge upon the board. Thank you for that kells...
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