Frustrated With Myself

[FindingMyself88]

So today we had our second session on my 3rd target with EMDR. We are working on one of my longer term traumas- the abuse I went through by my dad and his now ex wife. Thursday we got the intensity rating from a 10 to a 7. I had a LOT of flashbacks and repressed memories come up after that session and talked to my therapist twice on Friday. Today we talked to make sure I was stable then did EMDR for an hour and a half. It was one of our more difficult sessions and I only made it from a 7 to a 6. My T said she expected this one to be hard and slow because it is surrounded by 14 years of abuse. She also said we may have to target more than just one memory.

I am having two big problems. One is that a lot of the physical abuse from my dad (beatings and such) is coming up even though we are targeting his and his ex wife's violence. When these come up, I always remember how he told me I best not cry or tell anyone, which makes it extremely difficult to say anything to my T or let out the feelings even though she is constantly telling me "You're okay, I'm here with you, let it out." Our other issue is I seem to get flooded with memories and feel overwhelmed because I can't let anything out. It's either I am flooded with memories, or I physically block myself from processing the memories. My T noticed I was literally digging into my hands with my nails to block the memories so she made me separate my hands. She told me it was okay to let the memories come, that I am safe with her. I trust her, but then I remember my dad telling me not to.

I see my T again on Thursday, I really hope we are able to get it down some more before the weekend again...

 

[desiderata310]

Not sure what to say but I'm glad you have a good therapist. I know EMDR is tough.

 

[Friday]

I always remember how he told me I best not cry or tell anyone, which makes it extremely difficult to say anything to my T or let out the feelings

Have you tried reprogramming this line?

Because, sure, it was best for him for you not to make noise or tell anyone so he wouldn't get caught. Clearly, it's not best for you.

What's best for your abuser isn't your responsibility.

 

[BlueOrange]

The work can be very frustrating, painful and difficult. The fact that you are still showing up and doing it is something to be proud of.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

My emdr t is excellant , done a lot of brain spotting and although I found it really traumatic my t had to keep reminding me that I'm safe and kept bringing me back when it got too intense. I would re commend emdr but be prepared for a roller coaster that does eventually slow down.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thanks everyone. @FridayJones logically I know that, but can't bring myself to know it emotionally. I told as a child, or well rather the bruises told for me then I was sent to a psychiatrist/therapist to tell. Other stuff in EMDR I've been able to say and let go and cry, but with this trauma it is a LOT harder..

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Findingmyself88 cry , scream shout swear and do whatever you have to in your treatment, everyone's ptsd is personnel to them coz everyone's trauma is different . Don't give up because your a winner and you can get thorough, you got through your traumas the rest is just understanding it, I know there is no understanding if it and there's lots of whys what who's etc etc but hang in there. Noting in life is easy and cptsd or PTSD is just another barrier in life's long journey. Good luck x