Frustrated

[Amanda_j]

My sufferer doesn't discuss his ptsd or anxiety in length. Most of the time, I feel like I stumble my way through this, without any guidance from him on what he needs or doesn't need. He has shut down even more over the past 6 months. He refuses to have any kind of discussion, he says he enjoys being alone, and that he just doesn't want to talk about it. Yet he doesn't go more than 3 days without contacting me. He ignores me often, doesn't respond to things I say. It feels like he pushes me away, and then when he thinks he might lose me, pulls me back in. He recently told me that he shouldn't love me, that it would be best if he didn't, and best if I didn't love him. He didn't explain why he felt that way. He also told me that he doesn't want to love anyone, That feelings are emotions aren't real. So far, I have respected his need for space, silence, and quiet. I haven't pushed for him to talk to me, but I'm losing my patience. I can't support him in a healthy way (for me!) If he won't talk to me. A few days ago he told me that he does love me, even when he disappears for days. He tells me he loves me often, but he ignores me often too. I'm at the stage now where I don't know if he is being an a@$hole, or if this is PTSD.

 

[Glara]

Mine was the same way last year but in March he said he never wanted a relationship. Not according to all his previous texts. It's used to be no more than 3 days now it's usually every 3 weeks or so. Ex pet when his car died. He contacted me right away. I was with him when his first cat died and I guess he knew I'd be supportive. But now it's been 3 weeks, we are long distance which makes it hard.

I always wonder if he being a jerk or it was PTSD, I still think like that. But at the same time I think it is the PTSD and he just can't be in a relationship right now. After my visit with him when his cat died he was a mess. He was very suicidal. I think that's the reason he's acting this way. I've known him over 30 years. I can't cut him off but I'm trying to move on. I guess I'm taking it day by day. In your case you're exactly where I was last year. It may be different for you, you don't have the history we have and I'm assuming you live close by. I think they distance is a big problem for me. But he still keeps in touch, so it's enough for now.

I don't know what to say but keep posting on here. There's lots of support. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Jen93]

Shutting down is often a way that people with PTSD cope. It usually has nothing to do with the supporter and I wouldn't take it too personally. The important thing is not to push him to talk about trauma; he needs someone trained for that. The best thing you can really do is tell him that you'll be there for him; but if you really can't handle it tell him now, it wouldn't be right to play mind games.

 

[VoiceOfReason]

@Amanda_j and @Glara

I see this question a fair bit both on here and in life when dealing with people who has some sort of issue, be it physical or emotional or mental or what-have-you and have some advice that I've learned the hard way.

Very rarely is anything "either/or". There is NO reason why someone who is suffering cannot also be a jerk and an a-hole. Granted, sufferers are suffering and that affects their behavior to some degree or another, but to throw a blanket statement out that simply because someone is suffering that they should automatically be given a pass and be labelled "a good person" is a fallacy that will bite most everyone in the end.

There is a personal level of tolerable behavior which you should be prepared to accept and if that threshold is crossed you may need to seriously consider moving on. PTSD is not a license to abuse others.

Peace and Love,
VoR

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I hate talking about my PTSD too, because it exposes how I'm really feeling. That confrontation can lead to a lot of anxiety and frustration for me, so I avoid it as much as possible.

What helps me is indeed to know that my partner's there for me on those rare occasions that I do want to open up, or just to be held for a while and maybe fall asleep together. But it is equally important to me that I am seen as a whole person, for all my flaws and my good sides. I do not want to constantly be reminded that I have issues, and I, too, tend to get defensive and annoyed when confronted at the wrong times (which is most of the time, in all honesty. :p) . Perhaps your partner feels the same way?

Although I understand his position, PTSD is no excuse to be abusive, as @VoiceOfReason also said. He cannot expect you to stay with him when he keeps playing games like this. It is not fair and you deserve better.

Maybe you can ask him to write down some really practical things about what he wants from you. This would be without him going into detail about his feelings etc. For example, he could tell you things like "do not walk up behind me and then touch me", or "sometimes I need some time alone." . Then you could discuss on how you could make this work, like him telling you he needs space when he does, but promising to text or call you every day with an update on how he's doing. Even if it's as simple a message as "I'm okay".

However, you are of course not obligated to put up with his behaviour. It may be very common for people with PTSD to behave this way, but that does not make it ok. We are not easy to handle, but it should be possible to establish some boundaries. And remember: your happiness is just as important as his!

I hope this helps a little. I wish you the best of luck with it all :hug:

 

[Amanda_j]

Thanks to all for your input :)

The important thing is not to push him to talk about trauma; he needs someone trained for that.

@Jen93 I wouldn't push him for this, I know where his trauma stems from, he just won't discuss what "happened" to him to trigger all this. My issue is that he doesn't have any kind of real conversation with me, even topics unrelated to his issues.

I hate talking about my PTSD too, because it exposes how I'm really feeling. That confrontation can lead to a lot of anxiety and frustration for me, so I avoid it as much as possible.

@Snowwhite he definitely does this too. I try to piece it all together with the snippets of information he gives me.

@Jen93 I don't play mind games with him. I have asked him what he wants, needs, and he won't give me a straight answer. Probably because he just cant. He usually just says something negative about himself in response, or says he doesn't have words. I don't want to make matters worse for him.

I am torn at the moment. I told him I would be here for him, and I want to be, and even if I wanted out, he would run for hills if he suspected a serious conversation was coming! His issues don't make a difference to the way I feel about him, but I don't know if it's the ptsd or anxiety that makes it so difficult for him to communicate with me, or if he simply doesn't want to. He isn't an overly talkative person by nature, but he always was with me. I have tried so many times to talk to him, he shuts me down every time. I guess there is nothing more I can do.

 

[spmitchell3]

@Amanda_j and @Glara

I see this question a fair bit both o...

Just out of curiosity, what is your experience with PTSD? You're right that just because someone has PTSD, it doesn't give them an excuse to treat someone else badly. Something I read once "Just because your pain is understandable doesn't mean your behavior is acceptable" would seem to apply. But it's been my experience that those with PTSD tend to be narcissistic. Because of their experiences, they're often numb or don't know what they're feeling which leaves them with the inability to understand how another person feels or empathize with them. They can't grasp how their actions affect others.

For instance, there was a time, just before we got married, that I came into contact with a friend I hadn't seen in several years. When I met up with her, I found myself very much attracted to her. But because I knew that my wife felt threatened by her, I broke off that relationship. I knew and understood how my wife felt. Her feelings were more important to me than having this girl in my life even though I would never have let it go further. About a year ago, my wife became attracted to a male co-worker when the two of them started crying on each others shoulder about their marital problems instead of sharing it with the people they should have been talking to. Because of her previous abusive relationships, she was afraid to talk to me even though she knew I wouldn't harm her. She felt safe talking to him because she wasn't in a committed relationship with him...she didn't have to worry about whether anything she said hurt his feelings or would make him mad - primarily because everything she was telling him had nothing to do with him. Her relationship with him is what eventually led to us seeking counseling and discovering that what other therapists had diagnosed as depression was actually PTSD.

Even though I ended a relationship for her, she refuses to end her friendship wit h him...although the almost non-stop texting and opening up to him has stopped and she also doesn't reach out to him any longer when she needs something. However, she still goes to lunch with him once a week even though she knows it hurts me. She simply doesn't understand. She has no concept of how it causes me to feel because when I try to explain it to her she shuts down.

So, while what you say is true...it really only applies to those who have the ability to understand and empathize with others. That's not to say it will always be this way with someone who has PTSD. With the proper therapy and time, they begin to process the past trauma and begin to feel again. They learn new social skills and how to empathize. Unfortunately, this can be a long road.

 

[Amanda_j]

Just out of curiosity, what is your experience with PTSD?

@spmitchell3 my experience is very limited, before my sufferer was diagnosed I hadn't been close to anyone who I knew of that had ptsd. He won't discuss anything with me. I believe I have been as supportive as possible, I don't know if I "got it right" or not, considering he won't communicate with me. What happens from here is up to him now. Thank you so much for your insight, I appreciate it :)

 

[spmitchell3]

@spmitchell3 my experience is very limited, before my sufferer was diagnosed I hadn'...

I hope you realize my response was directed at VoiceOfReason and not you specifically. My experience with PTSD is limited as well but I've been doing a lot of reading and talking to professionals so I could understand my wife's situation. And just because I understand why she is the way she is...it doesn't necessarily make it any easier.

 

[VoiceOfReason]

Just out of curiosity, what is your experience with PTSD? You're right that just because someone ha...

@spmitchell3

I am both a sufferer and a supporter. I'd have to say I have about as many years as both and it's been a long road of self-discovery and healing for both of us. I've also been a supporter for many of my friends and family, though obviously in a different relational aspect. :)

If it helps at all, I also have a fair bit of experience with narcissists. I agree that there are a majority of PTSD sufferers that have narcissistic tendencies but let's clarify the dynamics generally involved with this matrix. A lot of people who develop PTSD are in roles or have jobs that attract narcissistic personalities (military, police force, medical professional) and have the "savior" or "god-complex".

(Please remember everyone that I'm generalizing and in no way believe this to be an absolute).

So you get a sufferer who is also narcissistic and they attract care-giver personalities as supporters.

Now take the non-savior PTSD sufferers. Those are generally victims of abuse, non-funny enough most of them are victims of narcissists of some type or another, and unfortunately because of their choice of partner they have a much harder time breaking the cycle of PTSD and narcissistic supply/demand.

Having said THAT, obviously there are different types of personalities in every relationship. I just mention the two in the matrix that I see most often.

Because of their experiences, they're often numb or don't know what they're feeling which leaves them with the inability to understand how another person feels or empathize with them.

Be careful that you don't muddy the waters with this thought..

Because of their experiences, they're often numb or don't know what they're feeling.... (PTSD)

...the inability to understand how another person feels or empathize with them (Narcissistic)

Those two halves of the sentence may not be related and if you treat them as one thought you're probably going to go down the wrong path when supporting her.

Also I'm a little confused.. I see a lot of "how she feels", "why she does what she does", "her state of mind".. I thought in one of your previous posts (or even this one) you mention that she doesn't talk to you or open up to you? That would lead me to think these are presumptions and assumptions.

My advice, difficult as it is, is NOT to provide motive for her actions but to wait with an open mind until you DO understand what the motives are.

Or she DOES talk to you, in which case disregard my last few lines as the rambling of a moron. :)

Peace and Love,
VoR