Frustrating Posts

[Suwu]

I understand some people are lonely out there, and so they post just for the sake of posting.
But do you ever get fed up with people that won't help themselves?? They always ask for advice and don't follow it. You are doing your best to be helpful and they don't get it, or don't try.
Does it drive you nuts, tic your ptsd? Do you get at wits end, frustrated, annoyed?? Is it just me?

 

[Amup]

I definitely get annoyed with people who ask for advice then don't follow it, but then I remind myself that it has nothing to do with me and I can choose to stop interacting with them and walk away. On the forum and in real life. And that's an empowering feeling. You might learn something about yourself if you explore why this bothers you so much.

 

[Esolu]

It's probably me. :( I guess I can stop. The only thing is posting in here keeps me safe right now, if I couldn't post I would probably be cutting or working up some plan to end my life.

 

[Suwu]

Definitely the second half of my post applies to real life. I have a strong desire to see people try to help themselves when they are able. There are so many resources out there, and I just want people to take advantage of them. We have one chance at this life, and we are all struggling. If we go through the trouble to ask for help, I feel we should try our best to follow through. Sometimes we don't have the resources, and that is completely understandable. The best feeling is when you watch someone come out of it, better and stronger, and you know you have done some good.

 

[Rone]

Wow I had just posted too. Feel like this is about me. I didn't know it was so bothersome. Other supporters just "get it". Sorry I'll stop posting..

 

[Suwu]

Definitely was not directed at anyone in particular. The post stemmed from people in general, and I get to thinking about this girl I know that can't feed her children, won't accept help, (me offering groceries, inviting over to dinner, she has social anxiety so I understand not coming to dinner, but at least take the groceries), won't hit up the food banks, won't get state assistance because of "pride". A shame to watch the kids suffer because her disability check isn't enough and she won't reach out for help.

 

[Aniw]

But do you ever get fed up with people that won't help themselves?? They always ask for advice and don't follow it. You are doing your best to be helpful and they don't get it, or don't try.

Yes. Except that I don't think it's that simple. I have no idea what's going on in the rest of their lives. I have no idea whether or not, somewhere down the road, a light will come on for them. Or not. Generally, I back off right about the time things start to feel frustrating. How someone chooses to take advice is not really my problem.

 

[Jozine]

I had to go no-contact with my brother for a couple months because of this exact issue. I've always been the "fixer" in my family and it drives me nuts when I can't fix someone. Then my T pointed out that my brother likely has borderline personality disorder and made some suggestions for how to rephrase my advice. And it worked! And I was able to mostly restore my relationship with my brother, and I think him realizing I had his back gave him the confidence to make some desperately needed changes.

So if you really want to help this girl, maybe try a different approach. With my brother I had to change from "here are practical things you can do" to "I acknowledge that you're having a difficult time and might be feeling frustrated and alone. What support can I provide?"

 

[Suwu]

@Jozine That is a good idea. I am definitely a fixer too. I was wanting to drop off groceries outside of her house early in the morning, but she would know it was me. I don't want to put her in a situation where she is feeling like (in her words) "a charity case". I think offering to watch the kids (so I can feed them while they are here) would be nice too. I'm definitely willing to try new approaches, so it will leave both of us less frustrated, thank you.

 

[Vovel]

Fear of change. Fear of abusive partner finding me.

 

[Pefur]

A therapist once told me she thought people who ask for help and advice and then who don't follow it are "askholes."

I can understand it's really frustrating to give advice and not have someone follow it, however, there can be a huge differnece between that and someone who is not working on their own recovery.

Sometimes saying no and taking input but deciding what fits for them and doesn't is the work they need to do.

 

[Eceji]

I agree... I would rather have someone just say they want to bitch and unload then to ask for advice and then give a thousand reasons why the advice they get wont work. It makes me angry and frustrated so I usually block them.... I agree with "ask holes"