Chin Strapped
Platinum Member
This is the only paper I've got time for now...no lies in this one.
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Funnies
- Post starter Jimmy1
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Chin Strapped
Platinum Member
Posted twice, bloody phone.
OldDoorGunner
Diamond Member
With age comes wisdom.
An old Vietnam Vet who is 75 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'Pick me up, then kiss me;
and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked
it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'
With age comes wisdom.
An old Vietnam Vet who is 75 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'Pick me up, then kiss me;
and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked
it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'
With age comes wisdom.
OldDoorGunner
Diamond Member
This is just too wicked not to forward!
Suddenly, a cow runs out into the road and a California Limo driving late at night hits it head on and the car comes to a screeching stop.
The woman in the back seat - in her usual abrasive manner, says to the chauffeur "You get out and check on that poor cow."
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it appeared to be very old.
Well, says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there"
Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, his hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face.
"My God, What Happened to You?" asks the woman.
The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.
Well, I just knocked on the door..........and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."
Don't You just love a story with a happy ending!
Suddenly, a cow runs out into the road and a California Limo driving late at night hits it head on and the car comes to a screeching stop.
The woman in the back seat - in her usual abrasive manner, says to the chauffeur "You get out and check on that poor cow."
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it appeared to be very old.
Well, says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there"
Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, his hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face.
"My God, What Happened to You?" asks the woman.
The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.
Well, I just knocked on the door..........and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."
Don't You just love a story with a happy ending!
Lee C
Platinum Member
OldDoorGunner
Diamond Member
- Post starter
- #611
A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now tell me, what the f*#k would you say?" ..
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now tell me, what the f*#k would you say?" ..
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