Future Is Screwed

[Bill Dickerson]

My Mom is 82 and is doing OK for her age. I've lived with her since I divorced 20 years ago. I'm able to help her and she keeps trying to make me fat.


She has said many times in the past she wanted to move back home to Mississippi. I asked her if we were able to find something down there would she willing to go in together and buy a place. It would be better if I lived in country stress wise. She said yea and I have been busy fixing the house up so we could sell it. I'm always better when I'm busy.


I did the preapproval for the loan in case we found something. She wanted something close to where her brother is. I found a nice place two miles from her brother Places near her brother are hard to find if not next to impossible. We went and looked at it. It's not perfect but I like it. She's not crazy about it.


Today she and my sister sat me down and we talked. Seems she feels rushed and now she's not ready to move. My sister asked why I wanted to move way down there. It's only forty five minutes to Memphis and from my perspective s not that far. I told her that when Mom's gone where do I go. I told her this will probably be the only chance I'll ever have to have somewhere. To fulfill the will I'll have to sell the house and split the money. I reminded her I'll probably have to change the locks to keep my other sister from toting everything off the day after the funeral.


I've been occupied fixing the house and looking for another so I've been OK. Now I'm lost. I have a list of things I wanted to do to the house and my mind has been occupied. I keep thinking well I need to remember to get that at the hardware store or plant that and then I remember what the hell for. I feel like my future is a dumpster behind Wal-Mart.

 

[Mystery]

Hi Bill, I'm a new member here, so I went back and did a read of quite a lot of your previous threads, so that I could try to get where you are coming from. Try anyway. You like children and animals, I like that, it speaks volumes about a man. You are a light warrior and a hero. Again, speaks volumes. You have sustained an injury, damn thing it is. Yours is different to mine, same street different house. I read that you lived the reality of being homeless, which I believe is just about as difficult as it gets for an adult on every possible level. Not wanting to get fat is a good thing imho. Stick to that one!

Am I right in saying that either way, when your Mom passes away, you will be facing that future, while your family allows that to happen? I wonder if your sister or whoever is involved even understands what you need and whether they care enough to provide that for you, if they do get what you are dealing with in life? I can't one hundred per cent tell that from reading your thoughts but it appears that way.

I sense such a broken warrior in you Bill and it for whatever reason about me, healthy or not, it makes me want to attempt to restore your esteem in some way. Only because I believe it to be a law of the universe, the future always remains a potentiality, it just has to be. I also so that you have reached a point where you wonder if there is someone for everyone. I've contemplated that very thing and come to the conclusion that I do believe there is. I also think that until such time as we find them, we should focus on being the kind of person they deserve to have. It must increase the odds of finding the right person, if we focus on being attractive to that person. You know..like attracts like and all that.

So speaking to myself as well, because I am no expert in this either, I have the same ambivalence toward my future and the whole possibility of facing old age alone. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Partnered people live longer too, so it's a smart thing. Even in the best case scenario we all face that some day as even happy old couples.

Bill, there really are some great women in the world. I know lots and I'm one too. I was once visiting my 19yo son in hospital for one night, he was sharing a room with a guy more my age, he was all scarred and having a long term series of skin treatments for it. He started flirting and chatting with me saying "Omg, I can't believe that's your Mum", etc, to my son. I liked his up-frontness and the fact that he straight out asked me for my number and wanted to take me to dinner. He made me laugh lots. I said yes and gave it to him. He had ptsd and was scarred to most of his body, he had a sparkle in his eye that said he had so much beyond his appearance inside him.

I didn't get into a relationship with him because we were too different. Different values that wouldn't have made it work. If we were compatible, I would have. It had nothing to do with his mental or physical condition. He just wasn't fond of animals and children and turns out he had been a crim, when all along I said yes because I assumed he was a hero. But the principle is the same. There are women out there who see past it and into someone's soul. Maybe it's because they have somehow experienced it. I really don't think unaffected people get ptsd fully, unless they've experienced something, at least like it. It's not their fault.

Please tell me to shut up with my inspiration if it makes you feel bad, I'll handle it. I hope it gives you something else better though and would like to hear what you have to say, if you feel like it. :-)

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I've never been homeless. I've dealt with a lot of homeless folks, arrested a few and many are/were vets. Unfortunately they can't get the help they need. It's a screwed up system.

No the family doesn't understand. My sister said well you just have to get out and you will feel better. I told her if she can come with a magic pill that makes it all better I'd take it. Until then just saying don't feel that way ain't cutting it. I can't seem to make the family understand I want to live out in a quiet country setting away from everyone. That would help me be better. As far as a relationship I'm too damaged to even entertain that thought right now. Maybe in ten or twenty years when I'm not so pissed at G-d. Right now we aren't on speaking terms.

I'm not very good at accepting all the inspiration. I don't mean any offense and I appreciate the thought but I'm a guy and I want to fix it.

 

[Mystery]

Sorry Bill my bad, I interpreted what you were saying about curbing in the wrong context. I can really relate to being pissed at whoever is supposed to apparently, be moderating this world. I went through the exact same thing. I remember once riding down the highway on the back of a motorbike with my two middle fingers up to the sky and roared to that person "F........ You....... dude". No speaking to each other for a long time and I wouldn't listen, had no respect for the sick joke of humanity, whose ever idea it was? We still have issues, ie me and the higher power.

Imho, this business of ptsd is both de-masulinizng to males and de-feminizing to females. However I think that females are more accustomed to being robbed of power in the world as we know it, on the whole, exceptions acknowledged. A woman can also take sanctuary in a man for security and protection, it's not so simple the other way round. Women can try to get their head around what that must be like but we can't fully get it.

I'm a girl and I want to fix mine too.. That may be because I was brought up by a man and have a manly brain in a lot of ways. I absolutely refuse to go down to this, it's the reason I'm here trying to educate myself. I never want to accept this is it. Never.

I sensed that you were feeling like that on the inspiration, which is why I asked you to please tell me. No offense taken whatsoever. On top of all the other crap that life throws at us, kids growing up and reaching middle age throws an identity crisis of it's own. I've been going through that very thing in the last few years. I don't know you well enough to say, 'Come back Bill' but I feel like doing it. I feel like going out on a limb and saying...'Please come back mate'. :-)

 

[Powder]

Just when something is fixed, a new problem happens. Life teaches us that we fix nothing permanently.

Be mad at God. So what? It's not a disease, it's a feeling. Observe it objectively and it won't fill you. You'll see it's only a feeling, and it can pass or not fill all of you. You're more than a feeling. You are you, able to observe all of your thoughts and feelings. You're able to see past things.

Getting everything you want won't make you happy for long.

We're all in this same boat. It takes effort and practice to figure out how to be content or happy with what you have and to build upon that sensation, even with the PTSD stuff and physical pain experienced in life.

When you see a little boy fall and hurt his knee, he wails and cries, but in five minutes, he is off playing and smiling again, in search of happy self-expression and exploring his world, that is what I'm talking about. Adults have lost that ability to get involved with our own bliss; no, it doesn't remove the PTSD or the trauma or the past and how we feel about it overall. But it's a way to change the present, which changes the direction our canoe is pointed. We don't have to paddle furiously toward the falls Every Day. We can turn it around sometimes and paddle off for fun, taking joy from any opportunity we seem to find, no matter how trivial. Nobody will do it for us.

This is my challenge, too. I have to keep trying or I can loose my grip on life and feel depressed.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Bill Dickerson I read something else in your story. I see that you've been care taking your mom for 20 years. She expressed the desire to move back but now she's not so sure and you have sisters interfering.

Elderly parents can make or break a family. They just are a lightning rod. Seems your sisters don't want you to get one iota from your moms estate while you've been helping her out all these years. Are they at all concerned for you or grateful for your help?

I wish I could move to the country. You have needs too but no ones listening. So what can you do to fix it? You could start by cataloging all the work you've been doing for free. Put a value on what you have provided. If they think they can do better you'll never know.

 

[Powder]

Bill, I can say you are right to keep busy and to plan for your future. It is helpful, and not just with PTSD, right? I feel dejected often even if a plan to put a certain tree in my yard is veto'd. I've shed tears and gotten mad. It's like someone took away your lifeline. I get that feeling a lot. So I can see exactly why you need this move and a plan. Maybe your sister doesn't want her mom to live further away from her? I don't know how far she'd be if you moved near your uncle.

Someone with constant medical needs does need to live within a reasonable distance to care. 45 minutes to Memphis is one thing, but how far is the area you want to live in to a full service medical facility? Is that why the one sister is concerned and views the country as for you and not for your mother?

I can see the dilemma of your needs and her needs are not the same. If you can find a country location that is relatively safe, quiet, and provides the tranquility that will help your PTSD and overall needs, plus be close to a medical facility or clinic that can take care of all of her needs, or is near enough for a nurse or hospice to also be added as needed, then there will be no problem. When I looked for similar demographics for a job near Memphis, I was attracted to Oxford. Link Removed I don't know if that will meet your needs, but it may appeal to your mother and work for you if you can live on the side of town far away from the university campus, in a rural side of town.

Whatever you decide, you can present your selection(s) as a way for your mom to enjoy her retirement, and allow her to think the choice of that place is her idea.

Sometimes the wheels need a little grease, and with PTSD, I have had to learn the art of acting like I don't feel strongly about things in order to get my needs met and get more cooperation from others I care about. With PTSD, I get pretty intense, and I end up losing out.

For example. I'd wait until I found a "great Value" home in an obviously too remote and dismal area. I'd plan to find this 'value' just past the real destination. I'd take her for a nice lunch or outing in an area "on the way to" a less desirable area you "want" to live, and let her argue for that area as far preferable, just to disagree with your chosen house. Pretend to give in to "her idea because it's what will make her happy and that is important to you, plus it's close enough to the place you wanted to be a runner up for you."

Don't burst her bubble and let your mom present the decision as hers when your sisters inquire. Take yourself out of it, and work in the background. If asked, say that she picked that town based on her preference and needs, and that it suites you okay enough to go along with it as a compromise. I won't hurt for you to come out smelling like you made a sacrifice, and I agree with the above post that the sisters may not give you credit for all you've done just based on human nature (out of sight, out of mind). No matter. You know, so don't feel guilty for a minute. It's okay if you are happy and she is happy and ne'r the twain shall meet.

Giving people choices makes them happy, research suggests, and there is nothing wrong with wanting your mom to be as happy as possible while finding a way to make yourself happy, too. I suggest letting her think it's her preference when the time comes. You will all feel better.

I have worked with elderly, and often, they are good at focusing on their own happiness and needs, and they return to an almost childlike, sometimes stubborn, state. It's natural, and it takes special, devoted "parenting" skills to parent a parent. I admire you for doing your best with this.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I think my sister is interfering because my Mom feels I'm rushing things. It probably does feel that way to her. I've been looking for a place for months. I guess my Mom doesn't know that.

As far medical stuff they have a day clinic that can check her cumadin levels once a week and a good hospital is only eight miles away for emergencies.

I think what's really getting on my nerves is they don't understand the PTSD. I try to explain it but it goes in one ear and out the other.
I never discuss it with anyone. My sister thinks it's just depression I've never even said PTSD to her. My Mom knows I go to the doctor sometimes and I takes meds. She always ask what the doctor said when I go to the therapist. I just tell her they said I get meaner and better looking everyday.

It very hard just discussing that being in country would help. I never tell people what I need for my problem. Even acknowledging it to someone is very stressful.

It really pisses me off when my sister tells me what I need and I won't like that. How the hell does she know. She just lets life happen to her. They got behind on house payments. Instead of working with the bank or trying to set up a short sale they just move away. She has no idea if the bank made anything above the amount owed on the house. Just walked away. I do their taxes because they have been screwing it up. My brother in law knows everything but he can't do his very simple taxes.

I just put a radiator and battery in a car my Mom bought for her a couple of years ago. They are always in a drama of some kind and she tells me what I need or want....

I talked to my Mom and I asked her to take a look at the house again with my sister and the buying agent. I told if she still doesn't like the place I'll look for something else. Now I can't get her to set a time to go look at it.