Gah. It Must Be That Time Of The Year Again.

[Sludge]

Hello gang,

Little bit pissed off right now.

Everything is going f*cking awesome. Everything. Income, family, business, jobs.

Shit, I am on week five of being booze free!

And yet the entire time my inner voice is all sorts of depressed and lonely.

i actually have real friends for the first time in a decade. I am actually going out to have actual fun at least once a week. Shit has never been better between my wife and kids and I. I'm starting a new business of my own. My current GPA is a 4.0 in grad school. I only missed two points the entire semester!

I get to play The Division with my son, his roommate and that dude's dad. We literally have a fathers and sons squad. It is bad ass as it sounds. (I play pointman on the squad. Riot gear and a 1911. M4 modified for assault, and a Steyr for those times I just need to reach out and touch someone.)

And yet,I keep constantly telling myself to give up and go back to the basement.

I know a big part of it is my alcoholism beast fighting back because I am not feeding it, but @Sarge and a bunch of the rest of you told me I better get off the booze or he'd get pissed at me. I'm pretty sure he is close enough and equipped well enough to find me and explain the errors of my ways in person, so I figured its best not to risk that.;)


Just venting.

Gah.

 

[atilla]

Well done Brother on the booze.:)

 

[OldDoorGunner]

f*cking booze almost killed me....Did not know I had the Beast at the time, guess I was self medicating from what I have read!!! Anyway, I gave up the booze 32 years ago last Dec. First year was a bitch!!!! If I had not given it up, I would not be here writing this......:)

If I can, so can you brother......One day at a time....

 

[Friday]

Yeah man... Don't forget good stress fills the ole stress cup, just like bad stress does (it's just more fun ;)). So all the same bullshit that happens when bad stress fills it? Happens when good stress fills it.

Know it can feel ridiculous to vent good stress, and kick in self care for the good things happening in our lives, but it sure as f*ck helps!

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Way to go Sludge!

And yet the entire time my inner voice is all sorts of depressed and lonely.

Your disease is morning and calling you back to the place you came from - don't go!

Celebrate! Celebrate all the good you are experiencing without the Booze Beast calling the shots. This is the beginning of a beautiful thing called LIFE! No matter how much shit comes your way you can deal with it. Booze never fixed a thing in my life - just complicated all the solutions. "One Day At A Time"

Ba

 

[Sludge]

I think i figured it out. Didn't actually realize I had a milestone birthday. Guess my lizard brain was telling me I'm getting old.

Nothing like a really good surprise to shake you out of things. My wife got me an adult male, wild type axolotl (google it). I used to breed these critters for years. I had melanistic (black) wild types before, but never a true olive green with green eyes and speckles wild type.He is magnificent and I am as giddy as I was when I caught my first Ruberii salamander as a kid.

My son got me a magnificent piece to add to my collection of Aliens movie stuff: the HR GIGER limited edition xenomorph ring. (google that one too). I know what it is worth and almost yelled at him for spending that kind of money, but he insisted he found it a pawn shop that didn't know what they had. Giger is probably in my top five favorite artists and now I actually own a real piece of his work. I wore it for a bit, but now it is in a place of honor in my Aliens collection.

My daughter, now 21, ironically enough got me a bottle of my favorite booze. She is brilliant however. It has one of those measured auto pour things on it with a key and protective clear case that she and a college friend made in one of their technology as art labs. You literally can not get into the bottle without breaking it unless you have the key. It is truly a work of art and a feat of engineering. She has to have been working on it for months, knowing full well I can probably out-engineer her professor. Though honestly I could get into the dang thing in a minute or less if I wanted too. Her note with the gift:

"When you get your shit back together, I'll let you have one on special occasions. Happy birthday and enjoy drooling over this bottle. Also this is payback when you grounded me for stealing four cases of beer when I was in high school."

I noticed that the red wax seal has signs of being opened and resealed. Bet you she filled it with water and caramel coloring. I would.

I even went to the pub to celebrate for a bit with my friends. Drank cokes the whole time. no issues.

Was one of those rare days that make months of the doldrums worth slogging through.


That stupid voice of mine in my skull has finally shut up for a bit.

 

[Sarg]

Good man, Sludge! I've seen alcohol destroy too many lives and come close to killing me, not to warn people to get off it if they can. You amaze me with all the great things you're into. You're not just doing yourself right, but others as well. Well done!

Sarg

 

[LadyDoc]

Awesome on the no more booze! Hope life continues to be as good for you as it is now and even better.

 

[Sludge]

The interesting part is that I make "booze" at least twice a week in my new day job.

Still adjusting to drinking Cokes at the pub, but my favorite barmaid serves it to me so it looks like a whiskey and Coke. I think that makes my drinking friends a bit more comfortable too.

Still an alcoholic. Always will be. I'm just one that does not drink.

 

[Outlaw7]

"Still an alcoholic. Always will be. I'm just one that does not drink."

That's the clearest thing I've seen all day. Thanks brother - I needed to read that.

 

[Sludge]

"Still an alcoholic. Always will be. I'm just one that does not drink."

That's the clearest thing I've seen all day. Thanks brother - I needed to read that.

I am not one of those 12 steppers. I know it works really well for a lot of people. And to them, I salute. However, I feel that many folks just trade one addiction for the other. No drink, but lots of cultish behavior. I'm my own sponsor because no one else is qualified to determine what is best for me.

For me it is really about will power. It actually makes me a bit arrogant to wake up and say to myself, "Damn, I want to Irish up my coffee, but that would ruin a good cuppa." or when I get home from my new job and say, "Boy a Belgian Tripple or an Arrogant Bastard would be the tits after a long day, but then I'd get too smashed to work on my backyard shade oasis."

I guess it is the same feeling I get from knowing the Beast is lurking, but that bitch works FOR me most of the time.

Probably one of the better things I have tried. I was able to force the university to hire me as the new laboratory manager nearly instantly. I'm out of shape from nearly two years of sitting on my ass. My feet hurt when I get home. I am tired from the fast pace I have to work due to the nearly 4 million dollar upgrade to my kingdom of science.

I get paid to hybridize my skills, education, training,hobbies and art into a cohesive, useful format. Sadly, I have to put my business on hold for a while, but for the first time in a long time I have some clarity. I agree with she that shall not be named that perhaps a big part of it is hanging out daily with people of a similar intellectual mind set. I think it is an ego thing as a bunch of high level PhDs rely on me to make things happen and keep things running.

I didn't quit smoking however. Not ready yet. Know I need to.

 

[Deleted member 33437]

Eh @Sludge
Just wanna say you're awesome!