General Question About Prescribed Medication.

[MissMacD]

My awakening to the fact that I needed medication happened after I completed a 30 day hot yoga challenge - even after all that dedication and hard work I still couldn't sleep and still felt like garbage. The harder I tried to fix myself the further in the deep end I ended up.

From a childhood perspective I fought hard to stay off of medication because five years of my childhood are gone thanks to a psycho who decided to drug me to the point that I fell asleep on my desk at school and nobody could wake me up. It was no way for a perfectly normal seven to twelve year old to be treated. I was threatened to be locked up, but my abuser is no longer in control, I am.

I have so much empathy for you. Cognitive Behavior Therapy has helped me a ton, when I have the money I see an acupuncturist. Have you ever tried hot yoga? It's a safe environment to be in regularly because your muscles are less likely to become strained if they are warmed first.

 

[Johnny1975]

Hi MissMacD. Thanks for sharing.

I've never tried Hot Yoga, or Yoga. I've been recommended it many times by survivors, and meditation. I feel like i have so many repressed emotions and memories, that doing mediation sounds like alot of effort, that wont reward me much.
(I'm possibly wrong of course)

I have so little energy, I use so much just doing basic care like washing, and getting through the day. I don't even work. I'm sure at some point these will be tools that help me though. I have thought of acunpuncture aswell. I'm also scared of something being too effective, and I'd possibly numb out for weeks on end.

Apparently im on a waiting list for CBT through the NHS, so that will hopefully help. I will also drugged during my abuse, which is also the main reason im scared of meds.

 

[MissMacD]

Getting off my butt and going to yoga and trying acupuncture even though I didn't have the energy to do it broke my depression cycle. I sometimes get scared of what will happen if I start to feel too good, when things get to that point I freak out and think there is something wrong. It's hard to consistently feel good when I've been worn down and tossed in the trash my whole life.

 

[YogiBear]

Hi Johnny1975,

It was great reading your post, as well as others'. I think we're going in the right direction by constantly asking questions. This is what a good scientist does, a competent reader engages in, a good cook, etc.

I have been asking myself a lot of questions lately: Why am I so defensive? Why do I feel stuck? Why do I feel so awful? I realize that I, like so many people, want a quick fix, but it just isn't possible any longer for me. I have been dealing with trauma for such a long period now, that even medication seems less efficacious.

That being said, medication is useful, as is therapy, exercise, eating right, seeking enjoyment, work, relationships, friendships, etc. The problem is, we don't feel like engaging in these activities when we're depressed, under stress, and/or are suffering from PTSD. Medication is important, but like anything we do, it won't give us the solution to our problems. It will be part of the solution.

I think it's important to find a P whom you feel comfortable with. Work with him/her by communicating how the medication affects you. Since I am overweight, I feel that I was placed on many meds which made me nauseated, etc. These meds for me were: Trazodone, Depakote, Viibryd, etc.

My T wants to begin EMDR Therapy with me soon. I am hoping this will help change and/or improve my ability to deal with both past and present trauma. I do think, as corny as it may sound, that turning our weaknesses into a strength might be helpful. As awful as I feel, I have gained a sense of greater autonomy--it's OK for me to be myself.

I recently saw The Silver Linings Playbook and came to the conclusion that life is crazy. There are random events which occur. In the end, we have to do the best with the hand we're dealt and the decisions we've made to move forward.

Kindest regards,
YogiBear

 

[Johnny1975]

MissMacD - I understand that. I'm beginning to realise I have a backlash from feeling enjoyment. If I allow myself to feel content, my guard is down, and I feel like something bad will happen. And there's the feeling that I'm unworthy of it also. I'm battling that too. I see what you're saying, sometimes we just have to take a risk.

 

[Johnny1975]

Hi YogiBear - Thanks for your reply.

I've been fighting for some control of my life for so long. I think I'm slowly getting to a point where i can accept that things wont aren't going to drastically change.

I'm very defensive. Even replying on here is extremely challenging for me. I feel the urge to either agree or disagree with what someone says, rather than writing what i feel or think. What I think gets lost In the battle for control (In my mind of course) that I believe someone is trying to put me under. I know...It's absurd. I feel stupid. This is fight or flight in action.

I have had EMDR before, I can say that It helped me open up new memories to allow them to process. It's something that I think Is avaliable to me In the future also. I look forward to the healing stage where I can actually get outdoors and test myself around other people. This constant isolation is so painful. My only hope for meds is that it will allow me to make that step, and the hard works starts again then.

Thanks again, Johnny.

 

[Queen Boudica]

This Is that the system would lock me up, drug me up on meds, and I'd never be normal or free from my past.

The system did exactly that to my sister. This is what prevents me from ever seeing a psychiatrist or thinking about taking medication, but it is also, that fear that drives me to get myself better without those things.

I was told the other day that psychiatrists have changed since the 80's when they first locked up my 17 year old sister, misdiagnosed her and doped her up on so many drugs she was reduced to a zombie like state. I hope that is the case.

Reading the psychiatrist's report on my sister's suicide in 1998, when I finally applied for the coroner's report last year, did not change my opinion of psychiatrists and their attitude to meds, since my sister died by overdosing on the concoction of 6 different meds that she was prescribed and that she was abusing and the psychiatrist knew about but still supplied her with a month's supply. She was asking to go back into hospital but apparantly that was attention seeking as were her previous suicide attempts.

But that was my sister's story and, if you have a good psychiatrist and trust them and you really think you would benefit from medication then it should be an option. There are plenty of others who have good experiences of taking meds. You sound like you have a very responsible proactive approach and are trying your best to overcome your symptoms so that is very positive.

 

[MissMacD]

I have such a hard time enjoying happiness and good things in my life because in the past they have been bait for punishment. I have felt bad for so long that many days when I do feel good I definitely wait suspiciously for something bad lurking around each corner. I have sabotaged good things in my life because feeling good made me feel worse than feeling bad. It sounds odd but it is from years of neglect and feeling bad that most of the time I haven't a clue how to enjoy myself.

My defensive side gets the best of me often because I always have my fists up ready for a fight. My heckles have been raised so long that I no longer know how to make them go down and relax. The process of relaxation and having a conversation without feeling attacked or personally targeted is very strenuous for me.

I am a work in progress, and what counts is that I am trying and learning to let my walls come down a bit so that I can let people and new things in and enjoy my life.

My coping strategy was always towards good things. I'd go to school full time, work a full time night job and go to yoga 4 days a week. I was doing things with good intentions but it was self sabotage. It was a way to run away from my problems - and when I burned out I punished myself so hard for it. Now that I have had time to slow down and analyze the situation I realized that I could have succeeded at any one of those tasks but not in that quantity.

 

[BloomInWinter]

The good thing about being well enough to advocate for ourselves is the freedom to do anything on a trial basis.

I took my antidepressant only on a trial basis, expecting to go off of it if it wasn't working at the 6 week mark. It did help me feel in control of my therapy.

Just because I agree to try something out doesn't mean I can't change my mind. It's my life, my body, and my decision at all times that matters.

I'm not signing way my control when I take a suggestion. I take what I need, and leave the rest.

 

[Johnny1975]

Lizio - Hi there, thanks for your reply.

As far as im aware, they do everything they can to keep you out of being an in-patient nowadays. I think its mainly to do with saving money. ***Could be triggering*** They have probably done all the experiments they needed to in the 1970's and 1980's. (That's me being cynical)

Sorry to hear of your sister, that's horrific, and It's no wonder you stay clear of shrinks. My first shrink was everything anyone would ever be scared of. Insensitive, disbelieving, a huge man with his own issues. It scared me, and has left me scared, thats for sure. My new one seems so much better, and seems like a nice person to boot. I really couldnt of done any worse If I tried though.

I've heard enough positive things about meds to give it a go now I think. And the good thing nowadays, compared to the old days is that theres places like this to get independent opinions.

 

[Johnny1975]

MissMacD.
Wow, that first paragraph hit me like a sledgehammer.
You said " I have sabotaged good things in my life because feeling good made me feel worse than feeling bad. It sounds odd but it is from years of neglect and feeling bad that most of the time I haven't a clue how to enjoy myself. "

I can so relate to that. Feeling bad Is familiar, it's safe.

Thanks for sharing with me your progress. I'm slowly realising this, that it will be a slow process for me too.

Pre-breakdown I took on so much, yet at the same time I wasn't making any progress In any 1 area, and just supressing my past In the process.

I'm very much more aware of my limitations now, and I'm carefully planning a way to put myself in situations where I can learn to trust and heal. I know I can't do it in isolation.

 

[Johnny1975]

BloomInWinter - This will become an issue with me as I spend more time with my new shrink. I have real authority figure issues, and I know I'm going to have problems putting my point of view across. That's not because of his personality though, It's my issue. I want to be able to tell him that something he recommends isn't working for me.

I'll have to face these battles as they happen. What an existence!