Getting Back Into Society??

[dbacs]

I have been trying to ease back into society these past few months, but it is difficult. I am still avoiding social interactions because I am afraid of people asking me "how are you doing. Are you better"?

In the past this has actually triggered PTSD episodes. My T says to ease into it. I ask him how to ease into it but he offers no advice. Weird.

The reason I have a hard time is because once people ask me how I'm doing, I am not doing as well as them because of my health problems. I am not married, working, have a house, kids, etc... Then I start to think of all the things I've missed out on in life, and continue to miss out on.

I end up getting panicked and leaving. Then people assume I'm mad at them for asking.

I would like to tell them that I'm not doing that great, but of course people don't want to hear that. They want to hear that I'm doing great. If I tell them that then they gloss over the fact that I'm am struggling and I get mad. If I tell them I'm not doing good they get nervous and change the subject.

How do I break the cycle?

 

[Red Feather]

I can relate to a lot of this. I try to talk about other things other then my PTSD for exactly these reasons. People always seem relieved when I change the subject, or they change the subject themselves, although actually I really want to talk about it. It's not easy. I am looking into starting a PTSD group. This might be a good idea. Other then that just know you can't be there for other people, unless you are also there for yourself, you know what I mean?

 

[maddog]

Wow, this was all sadly familiar to me. "How are you doing" has become one of the questions I fear and dread most, because as you've so eloquently stated, often you're damned if you do and damned if you don't in terms of your response. Tell the truth and appear negative and cause discomfort in others, or lie and invalidate your own experience and set yourself up for failure and misunderstanding.

There's no easy answer unfortunately. I think the best advice is the same in regards to reintegrating into the world in general, that being to start slowly, with very small steps, and with safe familiar people. Being part of society doesn't have to mean having lots of friends/acquaintances or going to lots of social outings. Starting out small with one or two trusted people, doing safe and familiar things close to home, engaging for short periods of time and having pre-arranged strategies for exit if necessary, all help to increase your confidence and ability to engage more over time.

I think we always need to remember that there isn't a perfect standard of sociability that we need to aspire to reach. The right amount of social integration is whatever is right for you, be that a little or a lot, which is perhaps why it's hard for your T to really advise you of how best to go about this.

Maddog

 

[Sazza]

I recently went back to work after being out of society for over a year. Its hard, I to dread the how are you doing even though people don't know me where I am that makes it harder because I feel I have to put more front on. I have been asked few times how I am doing in relation to the job and I always can only say alright, that only way I know how to answer. When I reply alright I dont seem keen but the truth is its a battle trying to remain in work and in a totally new role especially when you dislike social situations and getting to know people.

I know this is different but in a way its similar as how do you answer the dreaded question as like you say people want hear how great you or things are and when they are not its easier to say they are.

 

[Red Feather]

I think we always need to remember that there isn't a perfect standard of sociability that we need to aspire to reach. The right amount of social integration is whatever is right for you, be that a little or a lot, which is perhaps why it's hard for your T to really advise you of how best to go about this.

I think this is the essential part of it. I had to quit school because of my PTSD and since I moved to another city simultaneously, the immediate loss of social contacts was extreme in my case. I just have to be okay with the way things are at the moment. Thanks maddog. That is exactly what I need to hear now.

 

[dbacs]

An exit strategy sounds good and is something I can do.

Not putting too much pressure on myself to be super popular is another good idea. Most people I know seem to HAVE to party all night long. When I try to leave they get upset.

I definitely need to stop living for other people. I guess its not my fault if I need to leave early, and they don't understand.

One problem I have seems to be hypervigilance. I am deaf and use a hearing aide. So I rely a lot on visual cues. As a result I am always looking around. This seems to make things worse with anxiety and focus. I get tired quickly from it.

I am not sure how to dial it down though. I constantly have to look around to see where a noise is coming from. I can't tell because I only have hearing out of one ear.

Any tips for dialing it down? I have tried medicine but it feels like some strange paradox when I'm on meds... Mind going a mile a minute, but extremely tired. A very uncomfortable feeling. Like I want to jump out of my head.

Nadia, that happened to me too. I lost my hearing, developed a rare autoimmune disease, dropped out of school, lost a lot of my friends too.

I've been thinking of getting into volunteer work, but then I worry about more than an hours worth of activity triggering things.

 

[maddog]

Hi Dbacs. Well, I am blind, as opposed to deaf, but the resulting need to greatly dedicate one sense to scanning and assessing the environment in the absence of another vital sense is the same for me. In my case, I find myself obviously unable to monitor my environment visually, so am constantly straining and struggling to track people and goings on by their sound, which becomes incredibly overwhelming the more people and noise are present in a particular context.

Other than the usual strategies of grounding, I really don't think there is a specific cure-all for this phenomena, which is, afterall, the symptom and not the cause of the social difficulty. I just think it's about recognizing those environments and contexts which hold the greatest safety and comfort for you, and the threshhold beyond which you simply aren't comfortable, or aren't comfortable for long periods. Having an exit strategy, a clear plan for how to implement it and paying careful attention to your body's cues to identify when you need to do this, not only helps you to control your exposure, but also increases your self confidence to manage such situations, thus making it more likely you will feel able to engage in them at all.

Again, I would simply say that whatever your desired type and level of sociability is, that's ok. You don't have to conform to anyone else's standards or expectations and if the people in your social circle aren't good at respecting that, then perhaps it's time for a new social circle... which is of course easier said than done, but which is really an important part of self respect that we all need to work hard to foster. And I'm advising myself of this every bit as much as I'm advising you, because I know how hard it is to be pragmatic and assertive about this stuff at times, but I also know how important it is for managing my overall welbeing and stress levels.

Maddog

 

[Hashi]

I struggle in any social situation now. For me, it mostly triggers depression at how difficult everything is, how I find it hard to enjoy anything, how much effort it takes and how apart I feel from people emotionally. I also have anxiety about getting there and getting home afterwards.

As others have said, I've had to realise and accept that there's only so much I can do right now. I still talk on the phone with a couple of close friends, and see them occasionally, but I've dropped out of the type of socialising where the focus is chatting, people want to catch up about jobs, partners, children etc and they don't really want to hear about anything too deep or difficult. (With my closest friends, I don't spend the whole time talking about the deep and difficult, but I can refer to it and I don't have to either keep quiet or pretend everything's rosy.)

The answer for me has been basing what little socialising I do around activities. I know you said you're worried about more than an hour of activity triggering things, but I'm not sure if this is any activity at all and whether it might depend on the context and having strategies for dealing with what concerns you most?

It works for me because it means there's less pressure around conversation when the main focus is the activity. They are also activities that are grounding and soothing to me in themselves, which helps. So if I arrange to see someone, I might suggest we work on their garden together or we each work on our own art/craft projects. I sometimes suggest going with other people to a shop, an exhibition, a talk or a weekend workshop. If a long time would be too much, perhaps there are things you could put a time limit on, as a way of easing into things.

Doing things also gives me something to talk about with other people other than how I am (which is usually a non-starter for similar reasons to the ones you've given).

For me, my interests are based around creativity. It really helped me to join a creativity group and meet people through that. I have a friend I met that way who I now meet for coffee and then we sit together and work individually on writing projects. But you could base meeting people/socialising around any type of interest, like conservation, animals, music, sport, learning something new, joining a book club, etc. Doing an evening class is a good way to be with people without too much stress. Or there are groups for lots of things, in many countries, on [DLMURL]http://www.meetup.com[/DLMURL], and you can look up in advance what the meetup will consist of, where it will be and who's going. (But I'd be careful only to meet people in public places at times when there will be lots of other people around.)

In addition to thinking about who you spend time with, I'd suggest also considering what you do during the time. Socialising doesn't just have to be things like meals and parties.

 

[HangInThere]

I can relate to a lot of this. I try to talk about other things other then my PTSD for exactly these reasons. People always seem relieved when I change the subject, or they change the subject themselves, although actually I really want to talk about it. It's not easy. I am looking into starting a PTSD group. This might be a good idea. Other then that just know you can't be there for other people, unless you are also there for yourself, you know what I mean?

How do we start to enjoy life? I never seem to enjoy anything.
Hang

 

[Red Feather]

How do we start to enjoy life? I never seem to enjoy anything.

I once did an internship at a hospital here in Germany. The therapist talked about special classes for patients called "Genußtraining"... I thought the idea of it was so cool. Translated it means "Enjoyment Training." I think people who have trauma and / or depressed never learned how to enjoy things. It is like a muscle that needs to be trained.

When I go outside I see all the normal people who seem to know how to enjoy life. It is quite sad to think I will never be that way. I think that this is only the PTSD talking. Surely it is possible.

 

[Hashi]

...special classes for patients called "Genußtraining"... I thought the idea of it was so cool. Translated it means "Enjoyment Training." .

In the UK, some people do training and coaching to learn how to be happy. A friend of mine did a course and said she found it helpful. There was a TV series where they applied the ideas to a whole town. There were some mixed results - some of it was more like "how to cringe" - but a lot of it was interesting and encouraging.

Don't mean to hijack your thread, dbacs, but enjoyment (or lack of it) does seem to be a big problem with socialising for many of us. Like you say, it tends to make me all too aware of things I've missed out on.

 

[Red Feather]

I agree with you Hashi. That is just it. And then I feel upset at my friends who are not willing to be with me while I am upset and sad. One friend in particular, I would be there for her, but she will not be there for me. So our contact has been quite reduced.