Getting Hit On

[Casey_03]

I am posting two things in close proximity tonight because of multiple things that happened to me today. Apologies to anyone who is tired of listening to me. This is more for the women on this forum. I used to never really be bothered if I got hit on, but I am now finding it to be extremely distressful. Like, run home and hide distressful. I think it is made worse by the fact that I live in a country where it's socially acceptable for men to be aggressive, but I feel like walking prey every time I leave the house. I don't dress provocatively, I am not exceptionally attractive. I see no reason for it, but it seems like some creep harasses me any time I leave my apartment. I almost wonder if there is some vibe I give off as being a victim and therefore easy prey? I know that sounds irrational, but I have no other explanation for it. I go to meet a friend for coffee and on the way back get followed and harrassed by some man. I go to work and on the way there get flashed and chased. I go to some other work thing and some guy insists on walking me to the metro and then tries to get me to go out with him. It's nonstop and it's driving me insane, because I can't help but think that I must be sending some signal out to the universe if this is what I'm getting. Any other women on here ever feel this way? Does the PTSD just make me more sensitive to it? It's really affecting how I deal with therapy and recovery, because it makes me so much more afraid to go out into the world.

 

[Ronin]

One, no, you're not too sensitive.
Two, you're not at fault for it. That people make you uncomfortable / some behaviors make you feel unsafe isn't your fault.
Three, what can you do to help you handle it? Because there's always something.

(I simply don't mind street harassment / go into offensive whenever speech & the right language are accessible / get closer and into people's space more than the expected opposite, the kind of 'I'm not -that- woman and you move out, boy' because those people are insecure more often than not and pick on who they think is vulnerable. So not reacting in ways to prove that mindset? Effective.

Without trusting I can stand my ground because my whatever communicative ability is compromised at the moment? Making noise. Most decent people don't like drama in their lives and would tell the offending party something. Which is your defense, and a chance the harasser will back off. With rage but back off. Unless bystander effect jumps in. Heh, there's always some possibility for everything to go wrong, and go wrong with some types of people, but that's simply life.)

Life is as much your space as is theirs. It's simple as that. Don't stop looking for ways how to get through unsafe spaces just because they're unsafe.

 

[IrisL]

Yes in a way what you wrote Kaia is true, but I had been that period too, when non stop... Somebody with something... And honestly is quite scary, especially I like silence and quite... I'm not sure how it's changed... But for me was a bit Like I got really fed up. And talked back, I wasn't that brave to step near to the other.
And I think yes a kind of vulnerability should signal, but is with pheromones... And simikiar what you produce when you are in fear. So the reaction in a way not concious and is just a biological reaction, but certainly the other human personality too.you have pheromones too when you ovulate or menstruate if you are happy .., etc.every each mood and in every each person is a different biochemical component ... Is like a kind of mood cloud, but it has its own uniqueness..invisible and unconsciously recognised in each other.sometimes I'm wondering I would like to have a personal decoder for that and you know who you can let talk and not ... Can save a lot, but you still can't wait for that invention, and you just need to start to trust in yourself and if somebody starts to talk up with you- okay is can be scary- but see and analyse every movement, breath of that person; whatever you can pick up on - scientifically(usually that's scary for most of the people if you start to analyse them)-next time will happen again you will see the same or similiar pattern. So you learn something new about the people. And you will recognise the difference.quite difficult to do it. Like to learn which kindness is fake and real...
Hope is helps something

 

[thelizardqueen]

No, you aren't the only one that is sensitive to this male behavior. I too get hit on CONSTANTLY at a young woman and as a result I feel uncomfortable in public. I am a server at a restaurant and bar, so this is something I have to deal with daily. The worst part of it is that in a work environment, I do not have the choice to leave if a customer is being rude or wont stop hitting on me. I think the problem with society is that men believe that we want to be hit constantly. In a society of casual sex, being strong and standing your ground is often responded by shock. Sometimes guys will say, "why not"..etc. I feel that I am constantly turning down men, yet many of them come back and ask for attention AGAIN, only to be turned down by me again. Be strong and always stand your ground, and don't feel bad about being perceived as rude or heartless.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Where I live, men aren't aggressive. Even so, I haven't been hit on much in life. I realize that I am hit on more now, but I don't see it as being hit on because I can't even recognize it as I went from being not-so-attractive to a bit better looking. Maybe that's part of my defense strategy? Not even willing to let my mind go "there"?

 

[Ronin]

@IrisL, but you (generic) can't know about real vs not care / anything people do in such short time so easily. In case it's not meant for the well being of other person / follows different motives, it's still something that takes people effort to do, it's as real as they can make it, it exists... it's just not for good reasons. You're always taking risks with interaction, any and every interaction, what matters is how many are worth it to you and what you gain meantime ime.

 

[garden]

@Casey_03 all of my 20's were like this. It always felt intrusive, and it became exhausting having to feel like I had to be on alert to protect myself from what I viewed as predatory behavior. I was often accused of being a lesbian for not enjoying all the male attention that I got (mostly by the males who I rejected). I always worked directly with the public and getting hit on was a daily occurence. When you are in the public eye you're out there being seen by lots of people, it increases your chances of being hit on. I was resented by many of my co workers who actually made efforts to draw attention to themselves but still would not get hit on, or if they did it was few and far between. It almost made no sense.

I have a theory about this. For me, I did not want the attention. I dressed in a way that did not reveal my goods. My hair and makeup was always understated. I tried not to draw attention, and I think this is why I was hit on all the time. I think that my efforts to hide somehow drew more attention. I stood out among the group because I did not behave like most of them did, so I was actually more noticable. It's like sesame street..."one of these things is not like the others"...and this somehow drew more attention. While most of the others were wearing cleavage bearing blouses, and skin tight jeans, and actively searching for 'the one' (even though no one in their 20's realizes it), I was trying to get through my work day without being triggered.

I think that because I was seemingly unavailable, and others perceived me as busy (I was hiding, not busy), I was a mystery, and a maybe even perceived as a bit of a challenge.

Nowadays I hide a lot, and it's deeper than just minding my business at work. I don't go out in public unless I have to, with one exception, the gym. I do go to the gym, and I put in my headphones and avoid eye contact. I focus on my workout. Every now and then someone taps on my shoulder, I take a speaker out of my ear, and they ask me something lame like "do you have the time?" or "are you Martha's cousin?", or "did I see you at the farmers market yesterday"...they always crack a smile and act sweet. It always seems kind of out of place, irrelevant, and annoying. I am able to deflect, put my music back into my ear, and move on, but I know what they are really doing...and it still feels yucky and gross. I wish they would just say "wow, you just showed that treadmill whose boss", and then give me a high five and walk away...but that never happens.

I had a biology professor who once said that men cast out many, many lines to see how many of them will bite, it's an inner drive to insure that life continues. Who really knows why men behave the way they do...?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yup, its CONFIRMED! When I get hit on and its a bit more subtle I can easily brush it off with "he's just being nice!" (ie Mind won't go there.)

I get hit on FOR REAL when there is NO mistaking its a hit, and I go into thermonuclear meltdown.

Yes, its official, I will be single for life.

 

[garden]

@Solara you can learn to deal with it differently, it is possible.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Lewa,

Not really. I can't tell my body to not get sick when I feel that unsafe.

 

[garden]

My apologies @Solara.

I have learned to overcome some debilitating body responses to triggers, and I was trying to be optimistic when I commented that you might be able to learn to as well.

It was insensitive of me to say that. We are all unique, and our ways of healing and beliefs about healing are unique too. I do not in any way mean to minimize or trivialize your experience, and I apologize with every cell in my body if I have done that...I know how hurtful that is.

Again, I am sorry.

 

[moonbeam]

I think there is a victim mode that creepy men can pick up on. When I'm having a good day men leave me alone and the compliments I do get are nice respectful comments. When I go outside my house feeling vulnerable than I notice I get really creepy men follow me, say completely inappropriate things.

3 weeks ago after my session I had come home but was still feeling vulnerable on the walk to the shop I make all the time, I had a random man just walk up and tell me he wanted to bite me on the ass.
And on the walk back a man in a car stopped in the steeet and yelled out the window to ask if I wanted to have a quickie in the back seat.

Maybe it's just my perception but I do feel that when I am in a more vulnerable state I get way more creepy men harassing me. And when I'm feeling more confident I get left alone more.