I spent too long thinking of a title for this post. That tells me how afraid I am of making mistakes. That tells me how insecure I am. That tells me how bruised my soul is.
I was molested for 16 years by my father. He also took great pleasure in mind games. My mother worked very long hours and was rarely home. I harbor a great deal of blame and resentment toward her for her consistent head-in-the-sand approach to any type of conflict. I constantly lived in two states of being--enduring the abuse and pretending it wasn't happening. My mother finally left when he tried to strangle her. My father ended up being one of the first in my hometown convicted under Megan's Law. He served just under 11 months in jail.
I was diagnosed with PTSD a little over three years ago. I had a therapist I loved for a while until I couldn't afford her sessions anymore. A little over two weeks ago, I triggered with rage at what was supposed to be a lovely family get-together. My grandparents have said they don't want to see me again because of my behavior. Essentially, I cussed out my sister and aunt and pointed out my mother's alcoholism.
These events led me to realize that most of my triggers are familial. The pressure of maintaining an image that isn't true is overwhelming for me. Pretending to be happy around people I resent for not protecting me puts me in a defensive state. Then there is that internal conflict of opposite emotions--love and hate, happy and sad, scared and yet oddly secure.
A few lonely google searches led me to the little protective bubble that this place appears to be. I'm squeezing myself right on in there, ok, y'all? But it might take me a while to come out of my shell and I don't know if I'll stay. I just need to feel like I belong somewhere.
I was molested for 16 years by my father. He also took great pleasure in mind games. My mother worked very long hours and was rarely home. I harbor a great deal of blame and resentment toward her for her consistent head-in-the-sand approach to any type of conflict. I constantly lived in two states of being--enduring the abuse and pretending it wasn't happening. My mother finally left when he tried to strangle her. My father ended up being one of the first in my hometown convicted under Megan's Law. He served just under 11 months in jail.
I was diagnosed with PTSD a little over three years ago. I had a therapist I loved for a while until I couldn't afford her sessions anymore. A little over two weeks ago, I triggered with rage at what was supposed to be a lovely family get-together. My grandparents have said they don't want to see me again because of my behavior. Essentially, I cussed out my sister and aunt and pointed out my mother's alcoholism.
These events led me to realize that most of my triggers are familial. The pressure of maintaining an image that isn't true is overwhelming for me. Pretending to be happy around people I resent for not protecting me puts me in a defensive state. Then there is that internal conflict of opposite emotions--love and hate, happy and sad, scared and yet oddly secure.
A few lonely google searches led me to the little protective bubble that this place appears to be. I'm squeezing myself right on in there, ok, y'all? But it might take me a while to come out of my shell and I don't know if I'll stay. I just need to feel like I belong somewhere.
