Getting Very Close Then Suddenly Breaking Up

[Larksong]

Hi--I'm new here and have already been overwhelmed with all the kindness and support members have shown to me. You all seem so brave and good, you make me want to cry. So many thanks for that!!

I'm a woman in love with a diagnosed and I think minimally treated combat ptsd guy (Gulf War) who I've dated on-and-off for nearly 2 years now, with that pull close-push away thing you all have described. This last time, (about 3 weeks ago) it seems like a much stronger, final push away than he's done before. It also came right after he'd told me for really the first time how seriously in love with me he was and started talking about a long-term future together, then over what seemed to me like a really small disagreement he suddenly basically told me over email he didn't really love me and didn't want anything to do with me again, even though I was a great person, and then he completely cut me off. And right before it happened, I noticed he seemed a lot more disconnected from me, almost clinical. Not mean, he's never been mean to me in person, just colder and more distant/distracted. I keep seeing on here that so many of us are really frustrated because we don't know whether this means he really did lose all interest or whether it's just the ptsd talking? That feels maddening!! How do we ever get to know which is which? He's disappeared from my life for much longer than a few weeks before, and he tends to say things like he doesn't see any good ending for the relationship, he's realized he just can't do it after all, he'd rather be on his own because he's not a very good person, etc Even tho he's been so sweet to me and my young daughter every time he's with us. He even went to support an event at her school when I couldn't make it! :)

My questions for both supporters and sufferers are:

Is it possible he really does love me and told me he didn't because he panicked at how close he had finally let himself admit to getting this time? Someone just told me he was probably protecting me, and I can see how that could be true, it's just so hard to wrap my mind around it. He did tell me recently that what he felt was scary for him, he had a bad divorce from his ex years ago, with kids involved, and I'm pretty sure he's had quite a few short-term disposable relationships after that. I'm definitely not a clinging vine type--I've got a full time job and a lot of friends and I spend a lot of time volunteering (I actually met him at a charity event I was helping with) and taking care of my child and my 2 dogs. My sister has MS so she needs me to help out at her house a lot, and I just bought a house last year that I'm remodeling, so it's not like I don't have a lot to do. ( *whew* just writing that was exhausting! ) :) The thought that I'm frightening him just by getting close to him, as independent as I am, scares me that he's been interpreting me as clingy.

Could what looked to me like a really trivial conversation--I don't even really remember much about it--really have blown up in his mind into something so bad he used it to justify breaking up? It felt like he really cherry-picked some of my casual comments and then twisted them into something completely different that fit some sort of scenario he had. If we ever get back together, one of my big fears is that this kind of thing will keep happening and I'll never know when I say something if it will come back & haunt me like that.

I've read about the stress cup (that was very helpful) and the fight-flight thing, and keep wondering if him feeling like we were getting too close just started the whole snowball downhill? Is true love a stressor for these guys? That sounds so over dramatic, I keep asking myself how it could possibly be true?

Not expecting any crystal balls or reassurances, but any experiences and insights so deeply appreciated!

Larksong

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I'm not sure how much help I can be, but my ex-sufferer did a lot of the push/pull thing and the distance usually happen after we had gotten past some kind of relationship hurdle or had gotten to a closer level. It's extremely painful and confusing. One day looks full of love and smiles and the next day just distant, and then avoidant.

This probably isn't helping. We went through a major level talking about eventually a real future together which he seemed very scared of, scared of if he was capable of it. I was on cloud 9 thinking we were closer and stronger than ever. Then he started isolating, he isolated for a little over a year and now suddenly wants back in my life. I have no answers for you. PTSD goes against a non-sufferers instincts. Where does it start and end? What can you trust? I just know it's hard and painful.

I guess if your guy is in therapy, there is a chance it could get better, but might not. Read everything you can on it. Start therapy yourself to take care of you. It's a much bigger gamble than love alone usually is already. I guess follow your heart and if you stay with him, know he will pull away again, but set boundaries.

I wish you luck and happiness.

 

[Larksong]

PTSD goes against a non-sufferers instincts.

@BewitchedBewildered You just helped a lot. Thank you so much for reaching out with your experience. Especially that it goes against my instincts as a non-sufferer is something I will always keep in mind. And thanks for letting me know it's not easy--I appreciate the honesty and wish you luck & happiness too.

 

[Sighs]

Sigh!

I'd like to preface my comment by saying that this is all just my personal opinion and I am not a professional. Others may have different views/experiences.

My vet has often said that he is not a good person and that he shouldn't be with anyone. Bear in mind that line from the movie Michael Collins - "I don't hate the English for what they've done to me - I hate them for what they've made me do to them." Its not a case of vets simply having low self esteem - its a case of living with what they've done - or didn't do and feel they should have done. Even when that's not rational. (eg: survivor's guilt).

Be very very wary of being in a relationship in the hope that things will improve. I've done that a number of times in the past. I try to remind myself that my vet is who he is and I either live with that or I walk away. No promising myself that one day his PTSD will improve. (I'm not saying that its impossible - just that I can't live in hope - I have to live in the now.)

Does it matter WHY he behaves the way does? I'd argue that on the one hand, yes it does because if you understand why he is reacting in a certain way that can help you constructively work on relationship issues together. On the other hand, if the behaviour is unacceptable to you then no - it doesn't really matter why - its unacceptable full stop.

As far as your question about whether "this kind of thing will keep happening" my best guess is yes - it will. Because if nothing changes then nothing changes. Welcome to the world of walking on eggshells and getting blasted for it anyway. As I've said before - you will know when you want to get off the roller coaster.

Hugs if you accept them!

 

[Larksong]

@Sighs I do and thank you--honesty is what I wanted, and at least for now I'm going to see how I do with the rollercoaster--some kind of hope just feels right to me right now, he's that important to me. I'll just take in a day at a time and see what the future holds. Love and hugs to you!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Throw "true love" out the window for a second. Relationships PERIOD are a stressor for us "guys" (yes, females get PTSD, too!) So no, don't use his behavior as an indication that this is true love (sorry to say).

You sound completely bewildered by the fact that love/relationships can be major stressors. (I'm a sufferer on the opposite side, so honestly, it blows my mind how this can blow your mind...)

Picture this....love can be so....SO....that sometimes it just feels like being stabbed with a thousand knives, it can feel like pure terror, and suffocation all in one. And I'm just getting started. Does this give you an inkling about how hard love is for us?

 

[Larksong]

@Solara I'm beginning to see. Thank you. This is something I very much needed to hear. I'm trying very hard to understand and this helps me a lot. I don't want to make assumptions, but I think I'm starting to get it now: Any kind of love/relationship, "true" or not, can be unbearably horrible and stressful, and yes that's new to me...I guess the fact that it's "love," which many people--like me--completely think of as positive, doesn't make a difference, it's still a stressor and seen and felt as such . It really does blow my mind and shows me how I should never make assumptions about someone else's perceptions and experiences. Thank you for speaking your mind to me on behalf of "my" sufferer and all the other men and women who deal with this. It also helps me understand a good female friend from years ago who had it after being abused but never talked about it much. I wish I'd had this information then--maybe she thought she I just wouldn't understand, which I know I can't really but I think I would have been a better listener. I won't make any assumptions about what will happen with me and my sufferer, I'll just try to learn and help everyone who copes with this as best I can, which I guess might just be nothing but listening. With much respect--Larksong

 

[Wastinglight]

I haven't been doing this PTSD-sufferer-dating thing very long, so I feel I still have a lot to learn about the world of PTSD, and so maybe what I have to say won't be of use. But I think that the best - and simplest - advice that anyone has given me so far is what my T told me when I first told him that I was dating a guy with PTSD. I asked him how I should approach things with my PTSD guy, when he starts to pull away. And he said: "Just do what you think is right and hope for the best." At the time I thought that was shitty advice and not very insightful, but now I'm starting to see the wisdom of it. Don't know if that helps, but it does seem to me that many of us girls tend to engage in the exhausting habit of overanalysing the living crap out of everything, when our relationships start to get rocky. I have worn myself out almost every day doing it, in recent times :bored:. Recently I've realised that I could probably make life much easier on myself by just accepting what is, without getting bogged down in the Why (Why? WHY GODDAMN IT?! *sob*) of it, as @Sighs says. Easier said than done, of course. I hope things get better for you and your guy as he starts to heal. It's such an impossibly hard place to be in sometimes. Hugs.

And thanks @Solara for your insight! So helpful to know (but still don't get it).

 

[SharkyorBones]

I am a sufferer not quite the same as you partner but I get the whole push pull thing.

It's almost like a guilt thing on my part. Like I want you because I love you and I hate that.

Love can be very beautiful even with someone with PTSD. It's not always easy like with all relationships but I don't think you should stay with him clinging to the hope that one day things will get better because you can't know they will and sadly you can't trust to live on hope alone.

PTSD can be very toxic if it's not managed well and take it from me it's not easy to manage. It's bloody difficult but that's ok. Guilt plays a very big part in it all, as does low self esteem. Shame, poisonous thoughts, a false self image and hate. Sometimes a burning hatred.

I'm working every day to turn all of these negatives to positives and I can't express to you how hard it is. I guess my point in all of this is that it's very hard to be a part of a relationship, to be with someone else, to live with another when you can barely live with yourself.

That doesn't mean it's hopeless. I'm sure there's always something you can do but I suppose it's ultimately down to you. I lost my relationship because I have cptsd and it's been a huge blow to me but in the end, no matter how much I want to give up or how badly it hurts with each moment it's better I'm alone than with someone who will never forgive me for having PTSD.

If you believe you can support him then great but if you have doubts then it's time to think seriously about walking away. As cruel as it sounds it would be better for both of you.

I hope I've helped :)

 

[Wastinglight]

Sometimes a burning hatred

Can I ask - hatred towards whom? Yourself? Others? Or towards the PTSD itself?

 

[SharkyorBones]

Hatred towards myself for letting it happen to me for not being strong enough, hatred towards others for doing what they did to me etc. it's not something I feel always but it plays a big part in what I go through at least I'm not saying for everyone with PTSD it's the same I just wanted to give my input and hopefully give some helpful advice. It's hard for someone living with PTSD but I can see that it's also really hard for someone to support someone suffering with it

 

[Larksong]

@SharkyorBones What you just shared with me helped a lot. Thank you, and sending you many good thoughts to help you on your own path. You sound very brave to keep making yourself do the things you know you need to even when it feels so hard. I can see from you and the others a little glimpse of what you have to deal with every...freaking...day and it almost overwhelms me. I am so thankful that by sheer luck of circumstances, as I see it now rather than any special worthiness of mine, I drew the nonsufferer card and have just always had very positive feelings about myself and life and love. I think now that's probably an unearned gift in this toxic world, and I'm very conscious now that people like me may just be one toxic experience away from ptsd ourselves--who can know? It sounds like it could be a natural state when humans are in survival mode--war, abuse etc--that's built into our biology somehow to help us survive a crisis, then takes over and goes haywire for some of us because it's stuck in overdrive and won't calm down--maybe like the sentry that's always on duty. I have "down" days too where everything seems hard like most people, but I think the difference is that I can come back without much effort...like something someone wrote on another thread I think about people who enjoy thrill rides and other dangerous experiences but know they can come out of them, different than a sufferer who seems like they just have this ptsd woven into every part of their lives and thoughts to some degree, it seems like it's become part of who they are at least for now. At least that's how it's starting to look to me who was pretty completely innocent about this until a few days ago, so please excuse anything I've said that's overstepped something. You gave me a lot to think about.

@Wastinglight Hugs and good thoughts to you too from one new supporter to another. We are very lucky to be on this side of it, even though it doesn't feel that way to us most of the time. You are so right about the asking why, which I'm going to try to stop doing. People are who they are for lots of reasons, ptsd being one of them. If we choose to stay and love them, we're taking a risk, but what about life isn't?