Getting Worse Or Getting Better?

[Trex]

I'll start out by saying that I've been going to therapy and it seems to be very helpful. I go once a week to this free program and my current social worker is an intern. What boggles my mind... is... well, my mind. I find it helpful. On the day of therapy, I'm in a positive mood. I can feel the PTSD and Depression and the "strain"-like feeling on the back of my mind, but I just feel better than "usual" a lot of the time on the day of therapy. When I am in session, however, I am totally a different person; almost literally. Different core beliefs, I often don't talk about the depth of how bad my week was, so I say "not good." I literally remember nothing about the week in the time of. When I get out (of session), I still remember nothing; at the time, I assume there's nothing to remember. Later, I'll get to remember how bad it really was and fall deeply into the depression which causes suicidal ideation. I'll literally have conversations with myself.

"I can't believe I forgot... again!" and then respond
"Well, that's because you're pathetic and deserve nothing BUT the worst! I'm what drives you!"

There are moments where I lose time, dissociate and feel like a different person; but hours later, I will remember everything -- then forget everything. So, when all is said and done, I am never actually able to get the help I need as I either revert and feel like a different person who won't admit anything or I will genuinely just forget.

I'm not sure if this is part of PTSD or something else; anyone have any similar experiences or ideas as to what this could be? I'm not a doctor and will not self-diagnose, but from what I explained and researched, it seems like BPD as well as PTSD, but again, I didn't look too much into it because I myself don't want to be doing those research or diagnose myself in place of someone who is professionally capable of doing that. But opinions always help as well as personal experiences.

The PTSD refers to child abuse, but I don't know if the Depression and Anxiety falls in line with those altogether.

 

[DaisySH]

I am by far the appropriate person to give advice but one thing I have found to be helpful is to write how I feel when I am feeling deep in my depression... I also get to therapy and either draw a complete blank or just cannot remember or share... With writing things down I am able to share my thoughts as they come... And it's hard and raw but it's the real me... I don't know if this can help, but I guess it's worth a shot...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

it seems like BPD as well as PTSD,

Ive been diagnosed BPD & PTSD; it doesnt sound like BPD to me, it sounds like negitive thinking. Here are the symtoms to BPD: (i have all but 1)


Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.

Signs and symptoms may include:

An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection

A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel

Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist at all

Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours

Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship

Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection

Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety

Ongoing feelings of emptiness

Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-...onality-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20023204

You have to have 7 of the 9 to be diagnosed i believe the DSM said but i was diagnosed 7 yrs ago.

 

[Gadgie]

Aye! that's true, sometimes writing things down is a lot easier than talking, at least that's what I've found out over the years.

I used to write quite a lot, but not so much these days. I've tried to go back to writing the short stories, but it's all dried up now.

I still like to write my feelings down, as it makes me feel better, and I can relax once I've done it, you probably feel that way as well.
If you do, keep on writing, good luck.

 

[mamachick]

I think that writing it down is a really good idea. I have a lot of forgetfullness, so even if I am going to have an appointment with a medical specialist for symptoms of something, or regular dr. appointment, I start about a week ahead and begin writing down those symptoms or things to be discussed, refills, questions,etc. Some people I know use post its for everything, I use index cards for everything so that I can add to initial information as time goes on, so I often have several note cards at any given time.

I understand and have experienced some of what you are saying. I think for myself, I can remember how I felt, but not the chain of events that led to it, and one cue leads to another if I start thinking and talking about it, but that could take all day. I also use scale of 1-10, 1 worst, 10 best. I have used this for things like quitting smoking or other behavioral changes, or to identify what throws me off my recovery. If I write down , for example, (day, event, feeling) and use scale, it might read like this….Monday AM-flat tire, raining, frustrated. Phone call from daughter, needs money, hopeless. 2 Confronted by boss, fear, mad. PM-invited to event next week, surprised, nervous, appreciated, flattered 5 sleep was fair. In doing this for a week, I find that I can identify things that caused me to summarize that a week has been good or bad or indifferent.

Sometimes anxiety itself, feeling of being put on the spot, being focused on present which makes sense at time and minimizes how bad things appear at other times is enough to be overwhelming and cause forgetfulness, only to be revisited later." We often dont remember another persons words, but we remember how they made us feel" is a little slogan that I have heard and seems so true. If there is a trail of events and feelings matched, and even add nutrition and sleep if possible, I find that it is easier to look and apply my core beliefs and thinking patterns so that I can own them and move toward adjusting any negative patterns.

I hope that this is helpful, if I am off track, no worries, I mean well.