Getting Worse Over Time?

[Draiocht]

The relationship I'm currently in is the only healthy one I have ever had - my boyfriend is a really great person and he's very supportive when it comes to my issues. This includes being understanding and not making me feel like an awful person when I feel unable to have sex.

But whereas when we started going out I actually felt safe having sex with him, lately (almost 2 years down the road) I've been getting frightened of him. I get paranoid he's manipulating me, or that he might force me to do things - I should note he's never done this to me. And I've started just feeling scared when we go to bed. I start feeling tense, threatened, overwhelmed. It's not triggered a full flashback as of yet since he doesn't push me if I'm feeling this way, but I feel like I'm on the edge of it.

He keeps saying to me that he'd rather not have sex at all if I'm not up for it, doesn't make me feel bad for it or anything. But I feel so guilty I'm having these problems, and have started getting paranoid he's going to start cheating on me (past experience). I don't understand why things have gone from good to bad - I would have thought the more I got to know him, the easier it would get, but it's all backwards. What's going on here? How can I work through this?

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((((Caladhiel))))))))

I struggle with this issue every day. It's not him, it's not you. It's not my hubby, it's not me.

It's insidious 'avoidance creep.'

Avoidance creep is what I call the 'generalization' of anxiety. A bad thing happened to me. I didn't want to think about it, but it keeps intruding in my mind. I notice it intrudes when I think about the place where it happened, so I avoid that place.

But now, both thoughts of the event and that place trigger my anxiety. So, something that reminds me of that place - a smell - becomes a trigger I try to avoid, too.

But something makes me think of that smell, like a certain perfume, so I decide I hate that perfume, and avoid the shopping place where someone with that perfume on walked by and triggered a huge anxiety attack as my head drew an unconscious straight line path back to the bad thing.

Pretty soon, I'm avoiding many people, places, things, and developing phobias and fears about them and wondering what is happening to me. I associate even previously pleasurable or safe places as just as frightening as thinking about that bad thing.

This is at the heart of my agoraphobia. ..and it causes deep constriction of our lives.

It's why we must deal with the original trauma.

It's also why sometimes therapies which focus only on alleviating these symptoms, instead if addressing the cause, is expending great effort & funds over time for relatively little relief. We need help processing our trauma.

Hang in there. I'm sorry this is so hard. It will get better.

 

[99Phoenix99]

He keeps saying to me that he'd rather not have sex at all if I'm not up for it, doesn't make me feel bad for it or anything. But I feel so guilty I'm having these problems,

Not that I have much input to say about romantic relationships but I can understand the feeling of guilt. That you can't show him affection in that way is how I feel when I can't show affection in general. At times it's really difficult and overwhelming.

Something that helps me allay that feeling is by buying little presents for people. A card, a silly 2$ action figure, or anything in general that I think the person might like. I'm not saying to go out and buy stuff to help reduce a feeling of guilt but rather.... finding a new way to show appreciation and affection. Letting the person know that you are thinking about them and that they're on your mind even if it's in an unconventional way. Who knows, maybe you like to cook? Or draw? Or something along those lines.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I can't even imagine how difficult it is for you.

 

[maddog]

This is a really interesting and troubling phenomena that I have recently become aware of in myself too. In my case it doesn't relate to an intimate relationship, but instead to relationships in general. As someone who never learned any form of healthy attachment and has always struggled to establish, let alone sustain, any relationship of any kind, I am used to the extreme difficulties and resistance I feel at the prospect of getting close to anyone at all.

However, somewhat to my surprise and wonderment, I have gradually come to learn that I can form relationships, and even feel quite ok and stable about doing so when the person and context are ok. And then, right at the point at which I feel as though I'm doing ok... bang, something changes, and what was fine yesterday is suddenly threatening, uncomfortable and triggering of my need to run/fear of abandonment.

No, it doesn't seem to make any logical sense, until you consider it from the perspective of relationships representing different things at different levels. What may be safe and doable in a superficial relationship may suddenly become triggering and distressing when that relationship evolves to the point of being more significant and important to you, hence the reason that you can suddenly experience the inverse emotional reaction of fear and anxiety about sex as the relationship deepens and strengthens in other aspects.

Speaking for myself, I know that relationships are a journey in and of themselves, just as the whole PTSD healing is a journey, and so I try to take heart from knowing that nothing in this journey stays the same forever, and just as the relationship has evolved to the point of being triggering, if I can hang in there, communicate and seek support, guidance and validation from the other person and from external others wherever possible and try not to guilt or blame myself too much, I believe that this phase too will pass, and that a truly healthy relationship will find stability and security on the other side. I wonder if that makes sense...

I can only imagine the guilt of struggling to be fully present and real in an intimate relationship that is, in so many ways, so validating and safe. I think it hurts most when we can't feel secure in a relationship that we rationally know is safe and healthy and good for us, because the sense of guilt and failure bite so much more deeply. But it sounds as though your boyfriend is supportive, understanding and empathic, and while these factors don't alleviate the guilt, I know, they do reflect a genuine caring and most likely a resilience in your relationship that give it a good chance of surviving this troubling phase.

Wishing you all the best of courage and strength... and, most importantly, self compassion for what is not your fault.

Maddog

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, are you in therapy? This would be a good thing to bring into therapy and to help resolve your new issues. I am sad that you are going through this bad experience. I wish you the best in this. Do you have a stuffed animal you can hang onto when you go to bed? Just an idea. Good luck.

 

[Draiocht]

Thanks for your replies everyone, it means a lot.

BloomInWinter, I think what's been happening is similar, your post made me think it through. I have had flashback incidents in relation to sex over the course of this relationship. Afterwards I feel guilty and scared it will happen again and stop me from being able to. And the thought of that, associating his advances with the feeling of a flashback just because it might happen, then makes me feel scared whenever he does. A couple of times I've been able to when the situation is different, when it's not night/early morning and we're not already in bed. I think because I know that's when he'll ask, and he does consistently, so I just keep getting the panic again and again. So maybe now I associate that situation with flashbacks.

99Phoenix99, I have similar problems with showing affection. I like your approach and I'll try doing stuff like this in the future.

maddog, I think I understand you. And I'm lucky to have someone who's got the patience and empathy to withstand the impact of my problems and even try and help me work through it. I really do hope our relationship is strong enough to weather this, and I'll try to take it easier on myself as best I can.

gizmo, I've never actually received direct therapy for PTSD. I've been involved with mental health services for many years for a handful of different diagnoses and while my last psychiatrist picked up on flashbacks, nightmares/sleep problems, hypervigilance, emotional numbing etc and even referred to them as PTSD-related in letters to my GP he never gave treatment specifically for that, it was talk therapy mainly focused on anxiety and depression. That was 3 years ago.

My current GP picked up on depressive traits in an unrelated check up a few weeks ago and has referred me to a CBT therapist for it. I was hoping to discuss something more specifically related to PTSD in our follow-up appointment.