Gf Has Ptsd And Has Requested No More Contact.

[Sam115]

My gf and I have only been going out for a couple months. She was really sweet, but I could tell she was pretty introverted. We talked everyday and hung out multiple times a week. Then we got into a fight a couple days before I moved two hours away...but we made up the morning before I left. We talked the next day and we were fine. I was actually really excited about the long distance relationship since it would give us time to work on ourselves. All of a sudden she didn't talk to me for a week (happened to be the week of my birthday) and then confided in me that she ran into the guy who had raped her (which triggered a lot of ptsd symptoms) and has barely been functioning in her room ever since. She said she understood if I was mad and that I had a right to be then we sent a few more texts before she ignored me for another two weeks. I was genuinely concerned if she was ok (not harming herself) so I contacted her sister. I contacted her a couple times a week almost begging for her to come back to me and let me help. I said I would even wait for her if she needed space. Then, today she said she "needs to keep her world small" and not to contact her. I was furious. I told her that all she was doing was making herself (and me) miserable. I told her as much as I try to understand what she is going through she is screwing me up to. I have been unbelievably depressed over the last few weeks since we stopped talking regularly. I have been nothing but caring towards this girl and , sadly, I would drive two hours to her house this instant if it meant she would open up to me. I am not sure whether to move on or wait to see if this will pass and she will come back. I know people with ptsd have these times where they will not talk to anyone, but I don't know what the chances are of her turning around and realizing how much I actually cared. In my mind, we are over...but I can't help but feel like I am abandoning her in a time of need. Help?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

She requested that you not contact her, so do not contact her. Our worlds are not safe, and if you go against her wishes, she may see you as unsafe, too. Safety is an incredibly hard concept for anyone to grasp who doesn't have safety issues. Its sort of one of those things you need to accept without necessarily understanding. Please abide by her wishes. If she wants to talk to you, then let her come to you.

I am a sufferer myself.

 

[Sam115]

Thank you for the response. I feel bad that my last texts seemed a little harsh. Is she likely to come back if she senses I'm angry or did I completely push her away?

 

[scout86]

You sounds like a nice guy who really cares.

Then, today she said she "needs to keep her world small" and not to contact her.

She's probably thought about it and probably really means that. (I want to add that I'm totally guessing about all of this. Just offering it as a point of view and something to think about.)

I'm thinking there's a good chance that relationships feel unsafe to her and potentially out of control, If she WAS going to be in an ok relationship, it would have to be with someone that she could trust to take "no" for an answer, no matter what. Does that make sense to you? Personally, I don't think it would be out of line to respond to her request for no contact by telling her "heard and understood" but also expressing your regret. Then you'd probably best live your life. You might hear from her again, you might not. She, no doubt, has a lot to deal with and it's up to her to decide who she wants to let in to her life.

 

[Sam115]

Does that mean she doesn't want to see me anymore?

 

[scout86]

People change their minds all the time. I'd say it means she doesn't want to see you right now.

Seeing the guy that raped her is most likely a big deal. It sets off all kinds of thoughts and thought processes that are hard to deal with. Near as I can tell, from what the supporters write, for "normal people" it's helpful to surround themselves with other people and talk about things. I totally don't get that, but then I have a fairly limited concept of what "normal" is. For ME, when I get triggered, I need space to process it and a chance to realize that things are ok. Then they WILL be ok. This is hard to explain to people and hard to talk about. You two haven't been going out THAT long and chances are she's scared and there isn't much you can do to relieve that except not to ADD to it. Does that come anywhere near making sense?

I'd say it's extremely important that you respect her wishes. If you want to convey to her that you care about her and think she's worth waiting for, I see no reason not to do that, (Personally, I'd think it was cool, but that's me.) Realize, though, that this isn't something that goes away and it's not uncomplicated. There are a lot of legitimately good people who decide that kind of relationship is more than they're up for. There are a lot of people who are in relationships with people who have PTSD who seem to find it worth the trouble too. That's something you should think about.

For right now, I think you need to respect her choice, but you can sure tell her that. Then do some reading around here, I think you'll find some useful information.

 

[Glara]

@Sam115 I don't think anyone can answer that. I am, or was a supporter. If you look at my diary you'll see I've been going through the same thing. I've known my sufferer for over 30 years. He did the same stuff when we were young. Through the years he's come back but most recently is when he opened up to me. Then he shut me out because he doesn't feel safe. Now he doesn't text me but he flirts with other women on Facebook. Where I can see it. It's extremely painful. I don't know what's in his head. I never will. I don't know if she'll come back, but even if she does be prepared for it to get a lot worse.

 

[shimmerz]

"needs to keep her world small"

It can physically hurt and mentally shatter a person if people intrude while this need exists. It is as important to have this need met as it is for a 'normal' person to eat and sleep.

 

[Sam115]

Thank you for the responses...I know we haven't been going out that long but I was extremely depressed when she met me and made me so happy when I was around her. I wish I didn't end the conversation so harshly, but I didn't want her to think she could walk all over me (and that's how I felt). I did tell her that if she needs to talk to call me (I said "like a decent person would"). Our phones are super bad at getting each others messages since her phone has a lot of problems to begin with. We had to use a special app to talk to each other, but I deleted it out of rage. I felt so free when I did that, but I really would do anything to still help her. I guess I will just give her the space she needs still and hopefully she will come back around. It just hurts when you have done nothing but be concerned about someone's well-being and they tell you not to contact them. Perhaps if it was said more politely and explained a little more I wouldn't have reacted so poorly. Idk I feel bad, but I don't. It felt good to get my own feelings out.

 

[illusionist]

She asks you not to contact, and the reason why....you react with fury? Leave the girl well alone. She has hopefully realised that your reactions are not good for her, or any woman for that matter. You appear to have issues of your own to sort out. So do as she is doing and take time out from dating anyone until your own problems are resolved. Put your energy of wanting to 'save' someone into yourself.....you will find it will be more rewarding in the end.

 

[shimmerz]

I didn't want her to think she could walk all over me (and that's how I felt). I did tell her that if she needs to talk to call me (I said "like a decent person would").

Sounds like you have a mixture of anger and resentment along with what you say is your willingness to help. PTSD'ers are usually very sensitive to that type of thing (although 'like any decent person would' is quite a dig that even an ignorant boor would pick up on, don't you think?) She most likely has picked up on this and doesn't want to be a part of the anger.

In answer to your question, I think that if you are harbouring anger and don't feel like she is a decent person, it is better both of you that you cease all contact.

 

[Powder]

I think that if my boyfriend, who I was just starting to trust, moved away and right away I "ran into" my rapist, I would be convinced that the sky was also falling and there would be no sense of a of future for me. It would feel absolutely catastrophic. Her safety "died." It needs more than texts to pull someone back to life and feeling safe again.

I am not a fan of long distance relationships, as a rule. But I'm very sad to hear that she was raped, saw the rapist, and that things have not worked out for you so far with her long distance. She sounds like she needs more than you can give at this time, where you are; two hours is a long distance. That's hard. I'm sorry for your loss of this relationship.