Gf Has Ptsd And Has Requested No More Contact.

[Sam115]

I've never been in this situation before. Having someone that I am dating drop off the face of the Earth for over two weeks after I tried to see if she was ok then say not to contact her was a little upsetting. One time I pulled away from her and she was pretty upset with me. I think I have a right to be upset. I feel very sorry for those who suffer from this horrible disease, but it really does affect the people who care about them. All I asked was for her to keep me posted. If she would have said she needed space before hand I would have understood. But the last thing she said before today was that she couldn't function and that left me concerned (then dropped out for two weeks).

 

[darrenS]

i think there could be a lot more at play here, firstly its a long distance relationship and your showing incredible neediness, even if i didnt have ptsd , i would have strong concerns about the strength of your reactions, you talk of rage , and love etc but its all like your commanded it and setting impossible controlling standards and statements , if i was near you i would run a mile too...see you thought if you find someone less than you , you could fix them right and they would love you forever. I suggest you leave her alone , and take a good look at your self and your true motives

 

[Sam115]

So you are basically telling me that you wouldn't be upset if your girlfriend (who you talked to frequently everyday and hung out frequently) stopped talking to you after you you wouldn't be upset? I was deeply concerned that something really bad happened. I just asked her to text me if she was ok then I would leave her alone. I don't see how that is needy...

I'm sorry to offend anyone here on this thread, but having ptsd or not, it is not fair not to let the other person in the relationship know if you are ok or not. A simple "im ok" would have made all the difference. I kept thinking that she harmed herself the whole time.

And darrenS...I did not think that I found someone "less than me". She deserves far better than the way she is living her life right now.

 

[darrenS]

tell her that if she needs to talk to call me (I said "like a decent person would").

but I deleted it out of rage. I felt so free when I did that, but I really would do anything to still help her.

see you have invested too much in something that may only be safe online , and the use of the word rage and then justification , Sam, thats serious shit - thats danger territory for anyone , not just someone with ptsd and if she heard or witnessed any of this , then i would hate to say it , but its not good -

sometimes we have delayed responses and particularly when we feel threatened , we get out of there safely and the reaction comes later - in all honesty i would leave her alone, she asked you too and i understand you have trouble accepting it , but its not the end of the world and no amount of justification with third parties will make it any better or change the outcome

 

[Friday]

Of course you have a right to be upset. And it's a really, really good thing to know. Not in a bad way, but in a "what do I need out of a relationship to be happy?" way.

Consider it like this: In the military not only are you shifted about (all over the world) every 6-24 months, but spouses are often deployed for months and even years at a time. Sometimes, people fall in love & get married... All before even moving once, much less separation do to deployment. Some people marry into the military... And can't move. They love their hometown, their job, their friends. Moving makes them m.i.s.e.r.a.b.l.e. They also are the kind of oerson who needs to talk to their spouse each and every single durn day. Months out of contact? Drives them completely insane. Marrying into the military was a really, really bad idea.

PTSD is lifelong. Symptoms ebb and flow, but it's a permanent change in brain structure. Isolating? Is one of those symptoms. We all do it to greater or lesser degree. Sometimes worse than others. I've gone years without touching base with people I love. LOL I try not to do that! For real, I am in a seriously dark and lost place of I drop off the face of the planet for a few years. But days? I can lose days when I'm in a f*cked up place like dryers lose socks! I'm doing much better at the moment, and I just misplaced 2 weeks. Last time I looked it was Jan 15th. Most of the time I'm fine. I'm in regular contact with people, and I have systems set up so that it's very hard to start going weeks, much less months and years without touching base. But days are going to happen, weeks will occasionally happen, and I have to work my ass off not to let months happen.

If this is the kind of thing that's going to frustrate you? You might want to rethink being in a relationship with someone who has PTSD. Is this something you can handle being a life long and recurrent issue? Is this something you two can find work arounds, not to keep it from happening, but to mitigate the effects when it does happen?

If this is the kind of thing that's going to infuriate you? Being in a relationship with someone with PTSD is going to make you both miserable.

 

[Sam115]

I want to be with her, but only if she gets help. I will even pay for her to get help. She was getting help, but then she couldn't afford it. I don't even mind not talking as long as I know that everything is ok...I appreciate your input FridayJones. If she does come around, I do want to offer the help. I was going to therapy too and I want us to go together again.

 

[Friday]

Here's some reading for you... If you're interested in maintaining a friendship, much less revisiting the possibility of a relationship:

It's important to know that help won't cure her. This is like dealing with ADHD or Tourette's, not grief or dyslexia where it's either transitory or once taught to read, they can read (even of the letters are still stacked all wonky so it takes longer).

Understanding PTSD PDF
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/understanding-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd.86476/.

The Ptsd Cup Explanation

 

[Justmehere]

I'm going to be blunt, but it is only to be clear because I care, and I don't think you are seeing the situation for what it is.

If you think she is in danger of ending her life, then call 911 and let them know. She will likely hate you for doing so, and want even less to do with you. Short of that, there is nothing else you can to do "help" her or rescue her or save her.

One of the hardest things for PTSD supporters to understand is this: you. can. not. save, her. It is harmful to her for you to even try.

Furthermore, not respecting her very clear boundary and pushing for that boundary to change is a big turn off for most women, and freaks out most people with PTSD. She has told you No. Very bright and clear. Respect the No.

I know it really hurts really bad to lose her, but the best thing for her and you is to let her go. Reach out for support to go through the pain of letting her go, but do not ever violate that very clear no she has communicated to you. Even if it makes you angry, even if it is not fair. You can not convince her with your anger or love to change the no to a yes. You gotta let her go.

If you do contact her at this point, she could call the police and have you arrested for harassment. I know you do not feel like you are harassing her, but dude, if you live in the US, and someone has told you no contact, and you contact them again, you better be comfy with the idea of sitting in jail, because that is what you are risking at this point. Seriously. Even if you want to help her and pay for therapy for her, you still legally have to back off. Period.

I know you do not mean to harm her at all, and you care for her deeply, and you feared for her safety, but your only option to "help" her is to call 911 if you fear for her imminent safety and let professionals help her. Not you. Be aware that if you call 911 and she is not a clear threat to her immediate safety, she may let the officer know of any contact from you that she did not want and feels was harassing...

In my mind, we are over...but I can't help but feel like I am abandoning her in a time of need. Help?

You can not abandon someone who already doesn't not want you there. I think you feel abandoned by her, not the other way around. This could be something that is called projection. I also don't think you have really accepted that you are over based on some of the other things you have written.

Thank you for the response. I feel bad that my last texts seemed a little harsh. Is she likely to come back if she senses I'm angry or did I completely push her away?

I'm not sure how anger would bring her back. Anger and pushiness freaks out many PTSD sufferers.

Does that mean she doesn't want to see me anymore?

No mean no. No contact means no contact. No contact means no dating, no seeing you, no contact at all.

.I know we haven't been going out that long but I was extremely depressed when she met me

Depression is tough. No relationship can ever really cure a mental health condition. It seems like it is probably a good time to go back to see a good therapist who can help with your depression. The healthier you are on your own, without a relationship, the better you will be able to find and attract into your life that special girl who will stay for a long time.

All I asked was for her to keep me posted. If she would have said she needed space before hand I would have understood. But the last thing she said before today was that she couldn't function and that left me concerned (then dropped out for two weeks).

I understand that the way it played out was very painful. She struggled with a very serious condition and in the course of the struggle with that condition, she abandoned having a relationship with you. You can't change her or what happened. You got to let her go and find someone who can stay in the relationship. That person is not her.

So you are basically telling me that you wouldn't be upset if your girlfriend (who you talked to frequently everyday and hung out frequently) stopped talking to you after you you wouldn't be upset?

You have a good reason to be upset and to feel very hurt. I would be crushed if I was in your shoes. I would be a pile of tears. But, even though this is so painful and unfair, that doesn't mean you have any right to bust her clear boundaries.

I'm sorry to offend anyone here on this thread, but having ptsd or not, it is not fair not to let the other person in the relationship know if you are ok or not. A simple "im ok" would have made all the difference. I kept thinking that she harmed herself the whole time.

I don't think this is an offensive stance to anyone here. A simple "I'm ok" is not unreasonable to ask for. It doesn't mean its ok to contact her when she says no contact.

My guess is that this situation would have happened sooner or later. People with PTSD often "fall of the face of the planet" repeatedly in relationships. Look up "shut outs" on this website and you will see many threads about that. You will see that there is pretty much zero cases of someone posting, "hey, my girlfriend with PTSD shut me out and I got angry, raged, now she is coming back to me with open arms because I was angry at her for shutting me out." It's not how this works...

If you were to be in a relationship with her, I think it's reasonable to expect that she would shut you out on a regular basis, and it would really upset you, and she would shut you out more, and you would get more upset and feel more abandoned...

If she shut you out because she had cancer and was too weak to respond, would you be so mad? PTSD is like that. This is her not being able to be in a relationship with you. It is very painful. It doesn't mean she is the horrible person I think you have probably implied to her that she is. She is a person who NEEDS SPACE to heal. The more you push, for anything, the more you delay that very healing. The more you show her that no does not mean no to you, and this will inadvertantly reinforce the trauma she has endured at the hands of a man who really didn't take no for an answer.

The best thing you can do to help her is to show her you, as a man, can respect that no means no. Period. Letting her go will help her heal.

 

[Sam115]

I do not plan on contacting her anymore. I deleted the app we used to talk to each other and that was the only way we could talk. She has my number if she wants to contact me. I have eliminated all sources for me to contact her.

 

[joeylittle]

then, today she said she "needs to keep her world small" and not to contact her. I was furious. I told her that all she was doing was making herself (and me) miserable. I told her as much as I try to understand what she is going through she is screwing me up to. I have been unbelievably Link Removed over the last few weeks since we stopped talking regularly.

OK. Guess what? She doesn't have the power to make you miserable - that is all on you. Everyone gets to decide how they want to respond; you could have had a completely different response. You chose.

Also: telling her all she is doing is making herself depressed - really insulting, to assume that creating a safe space around herself is "making her depressed".

Finally: you can't understand what she is going through. And she doesn't need to you understand. You will either accept what she is going through or you won't. Again, remember - she does not have the power to screw you up. You have the power to decide how you want to respond. Your depression is not her fault. Actually, it's no-ones fault. It's what happens when we argue with and lose contact with the people we care about.

I'm sorry to offend anyone here on this thread, but having ptsd or not, it is not fair not to let the other person in the relationship know if you are ok or not. A simple "im ok" would have made all the difference. I kept thinking that she harmed herself the whole time.

Here's the thing: she wasn't OK. When someone is in any kind of mental health crisis, they aren't OK, and it becomes the hardest question in the world to answer - OK as in alive, yes. OK as in stable, no. Do you see the problem?

What's not fair is that she was raped. Honestly, everything else is maturity and independence. If you were talking about a relationship you'd been in for a year, it would be a different kind of thread. But a few months, and she runs into her rapist, and your response is "what about me? talk to me!" - it's a ton of pressure you are putting on her.

 

[Sam115]

I didn't know she had ptsd until later. She told me about it a little, but it didn't seem like a big deal. I've never seen it get triggered so I had no idea what this disease actually entailed.

 

[Sam115]

Again...I'm not upset that she didn't talk to me or wanted space. I am upset because I merely wanted to know if she harmed herself and physically okay.